My Father is Still in the Hospital

Photo Credit: Lars_Nissen at Pixabay

I am very worried about my father. He is 84 years old. Last week, he went to the Emergency again and was admitted to the hospital. They still don’t know what is wrong, but they said there is fluid in his lungs and he may also have another hernia. This is in addition to the clogged arteries they discovered during an angiogram two weeks or so ago.

Before this trip to the Emergency, my father lived on his own and did everything for himself. I hope that continues. He is mentally and physically more active than I am in many ways.

I have felt very down lately. I have spent most of the past couple of weeks in bed. If you don’t understand depression, this will be impossible to comprehend. The snow has come. I do not like winter. If there is no snow or winter where you live, or if you love winter, you will not understand how bleak I feel about winter, and the winter here lasts for six months. That is not an exaggeration.

I can barely bring myself to write a few words every few days. It might seem like I write a lot and/or comment a lot, but it comes in bursts. I sometimes find myself reluctant to do anything. I am not sure anyone noticed, but there was a week or two in which I wrote almost nothing.

I try to at least write. The second goal is to do some movement since I know that helps so much in getting past depression.

I feel tremendous guilt because my relationship with my father is not what I would like it to be. He is a wonderful human being, and also, a very difficult person. I feel extremely uncomfortable when I am around him. I feel like I almost have to ask permission to breathe. I know he does not expect me to ask permission to breathe, but that is how I feel. It is very confusing.

This past week has been very challenging because I have gone to visit him at the hospital almost every day for one to three hours. That is a long time to spend with someone with whom you have a difficult relationship.

He says things that upset me, but, while when he was younger, I would have told him that what he was saying was unacceptable, now, I feel trapped. If I tell him he has upset me, he will be upset, and he has a heart condition, and other problems, and I love him. It is not so very important if he upsets me a little. I can take it. Besides, I know who he is, and he is not going to change at the age of 84. I made the decision long ago that my life is better with him in it than without him in it.

However, it is hard. For example, I am quite certain that he is disappointed in me. I am certain because he has said so in a number of ways on a number of occasions. It is hard not to feel sad about it. I am disappointed in myself also.

I have two university degrees, but because of my disabilities, I have not done well in terms of employment or economically in general. It is extremely frustrating. I am reminded of all of this when I am around my father. Sometimes, I am reminded because I just remember, but usually, he reminds me with actual words. I feel like a colossal failure when I am around him.

I feel very guilty because I know if I don’t spend more time around him now, there might not be any more time to spend around him, and yet I feel quite awful when I spend time around him. This is exacerbated by his telling me that he thinks he is falling apart, and he wishes to die.

My mother passed away a few years ago, and I miss her so much. I feel very guilty for not spending more time with her in her last few years. She got to be very difficult to spend time around.

I wonder how many people carry a burden of guilt like this for not being better to their parents, etc. in their later years. It is so difficult. I admire people who are able to spend time with their elderly parents, and I admire people who are able to be caregivers to their elderly parents even more.
I am extremely grateful for the Canadian healthcare system. I appreciate it so much. For example, this is my father’s second visit to the ER this month, and he had an angiogram this month. He also had two visits from home care and he had to go in an ambulance (which was free since he is over 65). Total cost to us: $0. We don’t even see a bill. When I read about other people and what they go through, it makes me very sad. It is hard enough to go through illness without worrying about how you will pay for it.

I feel like a very selfish person because, even though my father is in the hospital, I find it very hard to go spend time with him. Much of the time, we have good conversations and everything is fine. Then, suddenly and seemingly randomly, he will bring up some failure or transgression of mine from years or decades ago. It is hard to take.

Then I remind myself that an actual selfish person would probably not continue to go to the hospital to visit someone who is not very nice to them some of the time. I can't help how I feel about it.

I feel stuck. I cannot confront him or express my feelings. He is stuck in the hospital, unwell, powerless. There is no one else in the city who can come visit him. I am his only family here. It seems very unfair, but that is often how life is.

I want him to get well and get discharged from the hospital. It will be a brief reprieve because he still needs open heart surgery, the first and biggest of several surgeries he will need. However, they will discharge him from the hospital first (and then re-admit him).

I would like to leave this city, if only for a month or two. I always ask myself, “What good will getting away actually do?” However, when I get away, I get healthier. When I get away, I start to find myself again. It always does me good. However, I don't think it is realistic to imagine that I will get away this year. For one thing, the pandemic, of course, makes travel more challenging. But the biggest factor stopping me is that we probably won't know in advance when my father will be scheduled for open heart surgery, and I am afraid to leave the city until then.

It will be almost impossible to leave the city for several months afterward. He will have a nurse for support physically, but he will need me for emotional support. That might sound minor because you have not met my Dad. Without exaggeration or irony, I hope I survive this year. I may have to decide between being a good daughter and survival. I feel like I am barely hanging on as it is.

I think maybe a lot of people can relate to this situation of having a difficult relative. We love this person a lot and they hurt us. We cannot walk away, and yet it is hard to stay also. It would be great if people fit into neat little boxes. I have had some people suggest to me over the years that maybe I should stop speaking to my father. However, he has been so kind and generous towards me in many ways. He is just also often blunt, mean, and tactless. I suspect he does not pause to consider the effect his "truth" will have on me.

It would seem wrong not to stand by someone who has been there for us, and yet it is hard to put up with so much nonsense also. It would be easy to say, "Well, give the old guy an ultimatum then," but that is disrespectful. I mean, then he would possibly fully realize that he just insulted the only person who comes to see him. Then, instead of feeling upset, my heart would break.