On Self-Fulfillment

I've been doing some meditations lately on picking out and taking note of clear differences in who I am and what I once was lately. Mainly I'm doing this to probe my mind for any thought traps I might be allowing myself to fall into, but I've been coming up empty on that front. My mind is fairly quiet, though my dreams have been... a lot. No point constantly looking for a problem that isn't there I suppose, but anyway if one shows up I'll deal with it as always.

I did finally take notice of one clear and dramatic change that I haven't acknowledged before. On some level, I suppose this ties into my previous urge to always self-destruct and/or sabotage everything. I never really noticed that my general approach to life previously was one of self-sacrifice. Suffering is a given part of life, that's clear, but being completely unbalanced with it leads one to a constant pursuit of more self-sacrifice and suffering than it does any form of self-fulfillment.

So what's different? Well previously I was always trying to sacrifice for others. It's pretty obvious why, I didn't value myself at all. Everyone else deserved to be happy and I might as well kill myself in the pursuit of making their lives better because I'm not worth it. Yea it seems crazy, but that was pretty much my literal thought process back then. If you think of the guy from the Green Mile, I'd be him dying for everyone else's benefit and eating all the cancer I could find because I deserved to suffer and they didn't.

It wasn't a healthy mindset at all and ultimately it was actively choosing to suffer for others because I had no self-worth. So what's different now? I'd love to tell you that all of the suffering is magically gone now, but it just doesn't work like that. Suffering is a part of life, it builds character and it adds contrast. Anything worth having is worth suffering for so to speak. If it's not, don't suffer for it. Easy-peasy.

I suppose this is where self-fulfillment enters the equation and I should start talking about "what is" versus "what isn't" anymore. At this point in my life, I actively choose to suffer for what I want as opposed to what I think others need. People will sort themselves out one way or another, they don't need me to fix them or make their lives bearable, my job is to do that for me. I will say I do derive a certain level of self-fulfillment out of helping others voluntarily and I probably always will, but all things with balance. I can't do that at the expense of myself and my own wants and desires, that would be too much self-sacrifice.

Honestly a lot of this ties into the whole idea of opening myself back up to the idea that maybe I do want a relationship. I've been exploring whether or not these are nostalgic feelings or anything like that, but no, this is just a desire I have and honestly I've always had, but it's one I've spent years burying because I didn't feel that I could handle it. Perhaps I was right at the time, I've never wanted to do anything to hurt anyone and being in a place where I'd give anything and everything to someone else to vicariously feel self-worth through their validation was not healthy or sustainable.

I'm no stranger to sacrifice or suffering. I just choose to suffer and sacrifice for what I want and need in life as opposed to destroying myself for anyone else's benefit. That's how you end up in abusive situations where you'll let people manipulate and control you because they know you have no self-worth and will allow it. Perhaps this is why I also no longer feel a need to convince anyone that I am what I am. Why would I waste my time, effort and energy showing anyone anything they don't want to see?

In retrospect it appears I figured this out on the job front first. There's no doubt the people I work with see my value and they let me know. It's not because I sacrifice myself for their benefit, but because I'm passionate about what I do and believe in the mission. The same applies to relationships. Anyone that can't see the fire burning in your soul and mirror it in themselves isn't worth sacrificing your time or energy on. They'll get to where they're going when they need to be there.

Is that a judgement? Perhaps on some level it is, but relationships, much like jobs, require work and effort. Balance is key in all things. I've been in very unbalanced and one-sided relationships before on both sides of the equation and one thing that is blatantly obvious in retrospect is that it isn't fulfilling for either party. One-sided relationships with no balance are just another ego trap.

Perhaps a better way to word all of this is that self-sacrifice seems to come from a place of loving others more than ourselves and self-fulfillment comes from a place of loving ourselves more. Both of these things need balance to coexist harmoniously in a collaborative relationship with a partner. Maintaining that balance requires effort from both parties and can't be done by one individual.

What one individual can however do is choose to walk away when they are the only one putting in the effort to maintain that balance. They can actively choose to value themselves enough to not become overly self-sacrificial in an attempt to save anyone else. This doesn't mean you can't help each other through difficult times and it doesn't mean things remain in perfect balance at all times, but it means both parties need to be mindful of always working to retain some level of autonomy and returning to that balanced state.

I was talking about this with Cope Saturday and it's something that I feel myself acknowledging more and more lately. A healthy relationship is never just between two individuals. It's between two individuals and their spirituality or 'god.' If you lose site of your own connection to source because you get overly attached or obsessed with anyone or anything else, you just lose yourself and become lost again. Balance in all things.

Anyways, that's enough rambling for today. I'm being very mindful of what I choose to suffer for these days. Wherever I'm going, I'll get there when it's time to be there. My faith in the Universe and it's ability to sort itself out is as solid as can be. Que sera sera. Change is the only constant and I've definitely needed the last few weeks to acknowledge the work I've done and really ground myself into a place of knowing that it's all ultimately for what I want. Much love. Peace.