"The Roast of All of Us" — Presenting Our Research and Findings from 37 Years of Studies in Slow-Onset Chronic Terminal Madness — Sponsored by the University of Hivelandia and the Comedy Open Mic Contest
Abstract:
What's up, commies!
Welcome to this roast post we wrote mostly as a joke while totally smoked on coke and Holy Ghost and toasted artichoke liqueur! Side note, don't go hoping for anything more or less than exactly what we're hoping you're expecting to get unless what you're hopeful for getting is nothing except for a great big dose of disappointment! As far as we're aware our professor and our mentor are so far both unaware that we've gone and published this thing that we've gone and published here, and we'd really like to keep it that way at least till we can make good on our longawaited getaway escape from this academia hellscape, thanks!
Introduction:
Hello it's me and them and all of us together again @notanotherbrandt, everyone's favorite @anotherbrandt and the one and only @otherbrandt to ever have been voted World's Best @Brandt every year in a row since the dawn of time in the Year of Our Lord one thousand nine hundred and eighty-four!
Methods:
Sixteen Russian imperial stouts, nine of Colorado's finest psilocybin caps, two pounds of Swiss mountain goat cheese, and one refurbished Macintosh 128k that's sitting on an old oak desk that's getting lit by a kerosene lamp that's standing on the hardpacked dirt floor of a small dark one-room cabin that we don't recognize at all! The conditions simply couldn't have been one single little bit better for researching important research and finding high-quality findings, both of which we're pretty sure we either did or didn't and depending on which one it was we may or may not have a whole lot of work left to do!
Results:
To Be Determined!
Are you following along with all of this so far? No? Good, neither are we!
Are you feeling confused about where we're going with all of this? Yeah? Cool, so are we! C'mon, hop on down to the comment section and join the rest of us, you'll fit right in!
Discussion:
References: The Comedy Open Mic Contest | The Comedy Open Mic Contest, Part 2 | @jesus | @null
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What the fuck is this?
My application to the World's Best @Brandt contest, what does it look like?
I thought being funny would have been a requirement for entering a comedy contest.
Actually I checked the rules and that's not one of them.
lol
Crap.
LOL, literally the only rule and you fucked it up.
Hi! What's a big fish like you doing in a little---
oh shit, sorry, I thought you were someone else. You look just like..
wait...
omg
lol
you're that guy whose
um
your thing
lol
it doesn't
you can't
omfg
I gotta go.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Did shomeone say World's Besht @Brandt? Here I am
Go away.
Knock knock.
Go away. And I hope your laptop catches fire.
well I hope you car cashes flat tire.
Well I hope YOUR car breaks down.
my car couldnt cash a breakdown if it tried
Did someone say breakdown? Here I am.
fuck off thatsh my line
ow
ow
OWW
Oww
Have any of you read any of this?
i really cant remember if i'm being honesht
Is that like I really only remember if I'm not lying or no?
yesh
Either you’re lying about being born in 1984 or we have a huge problem on our hands.
What are you talking about? You know that we were never born, we simply came to be.
pretty shure the only one who did any coming wush your dad
OHHHHHHH SNAP
Your penis called, it wants its erectile function back.
OHHHHHHH SNAP
ish that your fashe or are you jusht wearing an ugly mask to hide how ugly your fashe ish
This is about as funny as the Gordian knot: It’s not.
what did the naughty knot shay to the other naughty knot?
Go away?
itsh not all for naught till youre not a naughty knot anymore, sho take my advishe jush shtick to your vishe and never be nishe evermore.
Good God somebody please cut this guy off.
go home you hack you are trunk
I'm not the one holding an empty bottle of cooking wine now am I.
thish ishnt cooking wine itsh rubbing alcohol.
He meant the other hand.
knock knock.
Who's there?
@brandt
@brandt who?
Worlds Besht @Brandt.
Go away.
my left hand knowsh not what my right hand ish doing
So far this is off to a great start! Thanks for joining in everyone!
None of these are methods.
Not with that attitude they aren't. Do you need a beer or something?
yesh please
Somebody please cut this guy off.
No I just need a dictionary so I can show you how to look up the word method.
This.
Who the hell are @jesus and @null and why did you tag them?
Well @jesus does a lot of giving and @null does a lot of taking so I figured I'd tag them both so they'd even each other out and maybe it would help bring balance to the COMtest.
thatsh reasonable
Congratulations @notanotherbrandt! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s):
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STOPTo support your work, I also upvoted your post!
Check out the last post from @hivebuzz:
Support the HiveBuzz project. Vote for our proposal!
sho can i trade in my new batchesh for beer or maybe shomething elshe that hash alcohol in it?
Jeez, and I thought I was the one having the pissing contest.
Brilliant, as always.
Bastard.
Lol yeah we pissed all over that research paper didn't we? :)
I think you're confusing me with @brandt.
did I win the pishing contest?
No. Drink more and try again.
Sorry, I meant to say
BastardS.
Credit where credit is due.
great comment amazing job love it, upvoted
i think i desherve shum credit so can you pleashe exshten credit for to me so to becaushe i am out of beer and money pleashe
!BEER
Oh. Well. Guess I'm broke, too.
!HANDSANITZER
So broke I've resorted to stealing jokes and regifting them to the people I stole them from.
Sorry, you don't have enough staked BEER in your account. You need 24 BEER in your virtual fridge to give some of your BEER to others. To view or trade BEER go to hive-engine.com
that's because @otherbrandt drank it all
!BEER
Sorry, you don't have enough staked BEER in your account. You need 24 BEER in your virtual fridge to give some of your BEER to others. To view or trade BEER go to hive-engine.com
Hey @notanotherbrandt and @beerlover can you guys leave us alone? I'm trying to get some and this guy looks like an easy mark.
Hi
Hi! What's a big fish like you doing in a little pond like this, I like your eyes they remind me of shiny stinky sea suction cups, do you wanna get out of here?
You can't fool me. You're that landfill creature @otherbrandt told me about.
What-- how did you--
it's the smell, isn't it. Always blowing my cover.
But wait. So he told you about me what did he say does he like me?
shoundsh like white elephant chrishmash thing, exshept i alwaysh keep the handshantizer sho to drink it later
Me too!!! I like the lavender flavored ones. You ever chill them? It's like a fancy martini. So cheap, too.
no i jush trink them right out of the bottle i like to shkirt them right into my mouth. acshly shomtimes i guesh if the whishky bottlesh low i shkirt them rightinto the whishky bottle and shake it up and that ushully holdsh me over tillthe lickershtores opne in the morning
Do you have a name for that cocktail?
I'm catching a buzz just smelling your breath.
never thought about that before, maybe The Mouth Sanitizer?
Oh. You're sober now.
Not for long.
Want me to shotgun you some Mouth Sanitizer?
You have really nice eyes.
Sure!
And thanks, I gouged them out of Cthulhu's face myself.
Wow, that sounds like a fascinating story and I'd love to hear more about that over a drink.
k ready? This sanitizer cocktail is made from smoky scotch residue. I was thinking we could call it the Insanitizer. After you.
It's a great name, I'll drink to that! However I can't share details about the Cthulhu story because if I ever do then he gets his eyes back.
I think you'll be ok if you only tell me.
Anyway, cheers.
Whoa. Woops. Sorry. I got a little messy there.
You drunk yet?
no. cheersh!
!BEER
Oh hey, thanks, where'd you get this, did you steal it?
You wanna get outta here? Maybe go pick up some trash/get trashed or something?
I don't remember paying for it so I guess I must have stolen it? What happened here did I miss the action?
No, no, you didn't miss anything. Nothing at all.
Heylook, it's been really nice talking to you for the last, uh, two days, but I gotta bounce. Got an early morning. I really like you, though, so here's my number.
(719) 486-8210
Call me, if you want.
Now where have I seen those numbers before. They look so familiar.
They're yours. I wanted to give you something that I knew you would like.
BUSTED
I wasn't talking to you.
...was I?
I can't remember anymore
View or trade
BEER.Hey @corvidae, here is a little bit of
BEERfrom @otherbrandt for you. Enjoy it!Do you want to win SOME BEER together with your friends and draw the
BEERKING.I don't have to tip you, do I?
I think you're confusing me with @bastards.
I think I'm just confused. I don't know who the hell I'm talking to anymore.
Which reminds me I wanted to ask you a question: Are your pronouns they/them?
We believe in inclusivity so all of the pronouns are ours.
LOL!
Excuse me?
I don't even know where to write my reply to this 😅
This was like giving a schizophrenic acid-laced heroine while he controls a train. The result was the most beautiful trainwreck.
Thank you, @notanotherbrandt, brandt, maybebrandt, brandtbutlater, pastbrandt, for your participation in the Comedy Open Mic contest. Your entry really gave me a brandt new perspective.
Thanks for hopping aboard our beautiful trainwreck, we're really gonna go places!
😆
You all need help, I happen to run a moderation group for arguments like this. We provide the highest quality turpentine and paper bags. We also provide a few blunt objects and gasoline for more difficult situations.
If you're interested all you have to do is fill out the following form to waive all your rights and allow it to be filmed.
Please See form here
Sweet deal right?
(Picture stolen from google cause I'm lazy.)
Dont do it he steals ideas
Ignore this dude, he's just a cunt.
You stole my idea.
Fuck off and get back in the box.
Thats it I'm gonna downvote your punk ass, Thief
Seriously that's the best you got.
I know where you live...
Yeah in your wifes bed, now get back in your box.
I hate you... You even stole this dudes Idea.
Hello, friend!
did shomeone shay turpentine? here i am
Yup and all for something with no real value! What a deal right?
great ill buy a thoushand shares of whatever you are shelling
Thank you for meeting my expectations.
You know I always aim for a result somewhere between exceeds and did not meet.
Look I made you a mediocre !PIZZA!
@notanotherbrandt, sorry! You need more to stake more $PIZZA to use this command.
The minimum requirement is 20.0 PIZZA staked.
More $PIZZA is available from Hive-Engine or Tribaldex
Sick! Mediocre's like totally my fav sick.
Looks like @notanotherbrandt forgot he's not the one with the !PIZZA staked. Typical dumbass.
I got some cereal
Eggsellent!
I got some rubidonut holes to add to this complete breakfast.
PIZZA Holders sent $PIZZA tips in this post's comments:
@brandt(4/5) tipped @dandays (x1)
You can now send $PIZZA tips in Discord via tip.cc!
Dear @notanotherbrandt,
The previous HiveBuzz proposal expired end of December.
Do you mind supporting our proposal for 2022 so our team can continue its work next year?
You can do it on Peakd, ecency, Hive.blog or using HiveSigner.
https://peakd.com/me/proposals/199
Thank you. We wish you a Happy New Year!
I am soooooo pissed off to me right now that I only now noticed notanotherbrandt. I can't upvote this post because it's older than 7 days and that reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaallllllllllyyyyyyy pisses me off. And all this piss and can't do shit about it. And now shit has joined the party! Oh goodie!
Comrade, or is it combradt, stay strong and be brave. I'm sending few subs your way to help you in you time of distress. Before they get there, breathe in to a paper bag. Or in a paper bag, if you're tiny or can find a big enough bag.
Only one question left: what color do you want you subs to be, nuclear gray, water gray or red machine gray? Think very careful, I will tell your answer to some guy called Put In, not that I like him very much or that we are friends but I have to get his dogs off my back, my cats don't like them.
Hi. Tell Mr. In that I prefer my grays red machine. Thanks!