Over the years, I've done a great job at minding my business and most of those times it felt like I wasn't human, or that I had no emotions or blood running through my veins.
I was pretty much an annoying person when it comes to being nonchalant about a situation, argument, misunderstanding or malice so to say.
I didn't just act on it, I had my coping mechanism if I must put it that way.
I was good at not letting things bother me or what people did bother me, and that way, I would say I lived a much better life not a perfect one per se.
With this I was able to filter not just negative emotions but toxic ones too, I mean who doesn't have a toxic trait?
Life was less dramatic for me, and people didn't have much access to me, more like I shut the door behind them because I hate unnecessary dramas in my life, I am not an attention seeker so I rather lay low than cause issues for myself.

Date back to when I would say, I started feeling more like human and less weird for choosing to be the way I was.
I started feeling all sorts of emotions all together and I started experiencing life in different dimensions.
I knew what pain felt like, I experienced them, from family, friends, colleagues,.loved ones etc.
In some cases I was able to manage the emotions, I was able to deal with the negative ones in the best way I could especially coming from friends.
But little did I know that those emotions were piling up until I was trapped in them.

Love, hatred, bitterness, joy, betrayal, fear, anxiety, confusion, frustration, tiredness, brokenness, depression etc.
I experienced them all in a space of two (2) years.
I smiled, I struggled, I fought, I survived.
I looked fine, I was focused and didn't let these emotions distract me especially academically but I was also boiling or bittered every time my mind drifted to things that caused these negative emotions.

Entitled Emotions

At some point I felt I was entitled not just to the way I was feeling but also how I was dealing with these emotions.
It became a challenge for me. I couldn't easily filter the negative ones anymore, it felt like it almost consumed me, I was drowning, yet I was living. More like it was now part of me and I couldn't do anything about it.
It may or may not have been a conscious effort or process but I do know that at some point I felt entitled to the love I was receiving and giving.
I felt entitled to the negativities I was experiencing and slowly developing.
I wasn't comfortable with it so I had to do something about it.
They say when action isn't applied to ideas and plans then those ideas and plans are as good as nothing.
So I took a step of faith, tackling these negative entitled emotions needed more than just the thoughts, it needed some actions to filter and drive them away.
I started with what was causing them, and so far so good, I feel so much better, I would stop at nothing until I regain myself once more.

^{PS: Photo is mine except stated otherwise}

𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫

   31 July, 2024 ~ Wednesday