Respect and culture
A few moments ago, I found myself chatting with an old family friend. I hadn't spoken to her in a while but I needed to make enquiries about something so I decided to chat her up. The short conversation got me thinking about why I cut ties with her a long while ago and how it was probably my fault.
I'm a highly opinionated person and I'm also quite outspoken in a lot of situations, especially when I feel like I'm right and everyone around me isn't thinking straight. I've developed over time and learnt to shut my mouth but there were times when I wasn't so controlled.
My lack of control cost me a lot of relationships and also, interestingly, helped me build many others. Unfortunately for my old friend, my lack of control couldn't make us work and I understood why.
My old friend came from a family where respect was the apex. Age wasn't to be messed with and a single word of disrespect to an older person would lead to a lot of punishment. I realised how absurd it was when she disagreed with her twin (who's older by just 7 minutes) and she was subdued and told to keep quiet because she's the younger sister.
I, on the other hand, come from a family situation where I was always allowed to air my views and in some way challenge anyone, regardless of age, whenever they say something wrong or try to treat me in a way that seems unfair. So I grew up differently.
Now, my old friend is a few years older than me and based on her upbringing, I shouldn't be able to disrespect her or talk back at her. I remember several instances when she would say "I'm older than you so shut up!" I hated that. No one spoke to me that way in my home and all my older siblings were older than her.
These altercations happened some 12 years ago and although we stayed in touch for 5 or 6 years more, I realised I couldn't stand her anymore and didn't want to put up with that. I'd always considered myself to be respectful in my dealings with other humans but I couldn't live with anyone demanding more than I was willing to give.
I remember that years later I met someone else who was from the same tribe that they were from and I noticed the same pattern. It made me somewhat realise that it was most likely a cultural thing for them and my behaviour was unlike what they were used to.
I wasn't an outright disrespectful person but where they were from, being that outspoken as a younger person wasn't allowed. You weren't allowed to speak or air an opinion until you "came of age". However, in my family, my parents made everyone stay quiet while I spoke. I was raised to always receive an audience and to have an opinion on certain issues from when I was old enough to speak.
I'm older now and I accept my faults. I should always know better to respect people's culture and know when to leave a room when the demand for respect has surpassed logic or what I'm willing to give. Rather than be disrespectful, I should simply be absent.
Have you experienced something similar?
I think it’s good to make those boundaries but still seek to explain to them and salvage the relationship if possible. Different cultures are fine but you can’t force someone else to participate in your culture and adhere to its rules. We all gotta be a bit more flexible with people with other cultures (and I don’t just mean that in the country/tribe way, my parents and I have very different cultures, and so do my tech friends and my artist friends)