This is not the happy post you are expecting. My emotions are on a rollercoaster now, even when it's already 4 weeks after the meetup.

Another warning, this post is very long - mostly my POV and a dump of my emotions so hmm, good luck in reading this.

Before the meetup, I was kinda excited. I wanted to see familiar faces I usually interact with on the Hive PH community on chain and on the discord server. I was expecting my "online" friends to turn into "real life" friends. I was hopeful and I really appreciate them for thinking of making a meetup because I would be going back to the country.

If you don't know, I live in Japan. The Philippines is a 5-hour flight from Narita Airport. And since I work here in Japan, I have to secure my papers so I could go back to the country and be back in Japan with no problems. Securing these papers wasn't as easy as before, and I was so grateful to the company I'm working with now because they really were a big help in accomplishing what I needed to do here. They even paid a translator just for my documents to be translated. They were so kind. 😌 While in the Philippines, I also needed to do something there so I could fly back to Japan. It's really a long process so going home wasn't on my list ever since.

But because of some circumstances, I have to be home. And because I will be home, why not meet the Hive PH community?

My emotions during the meetup day weren't up to the level of expectation I had months before. While I was excited during the planning phase, on the day of the meetup, I lost all the energy, I was sleepy, I was tired and I couldn't socialize properly. The 2 cafe mocha I ordered didn't help either.

Arriving In Manila

I first met @adamada at the airport and it was so awkward. I couldn't face him properly even when we had already established a connection online. He tricked me in the airport by the way, but I was too awkward to think about it. We chatted for a while, using his relationship cards which actually worked a little bit, making me feel at ease little by little. Ah, this is Adam, my online buddy, the one who I kept talking to on discord so I should be comfortable was what I thought.

Moments later @jude.villarta arrived, and I hugged her. I'm pretty sure I didn't hug Adam the way I hugged Jude. I was happy seeing her but still, it was a bit awkward for me but at least, there's another woman in our group of 3.

We went to @demotry's place at almost 4AM. He was kind enough to host us. I really appreciate all the efforts he did in preparing a place for us to sleep. It was also dawn, and Demo didn't sleep properly, so I was kinda hesitant to wake him up even further but I was also excited to meet him. I hugged him when we met because he's the huggable kind. I didn't mind being a woman to hug Demo. I feel so comfortable around him even when we just met that day.

My sleep that night was only for a few hours but even with that, I was so determined to match the energy of my companions. Jude left us at 6 AM so I was left with Adam and Demo. I have a little energy to talk to them, they're my closest online friends. We had lunch nearby Demo's place and roamed around Greenbelt after.

Mini Meetup At Greenbelt

I was so sure that I wouldn't have enough energy to host the meetup event later so I treated them to a cafe. @akumagai came like an energy ball fully charged, and I couldn't match his energy. I was simply battery drained at that time even with 2 cups of cafe mocha, not the bitter one because I couldn't tolerate bitter coffee yet. Jude arrived then off we went to Ayala Museum.

We planned to go to the museum before going to the meetup. We didn't purchase tickets online because we were a bit confident we could still enter, and someone had told us there's a place that's free of charge. We arrived there at almost 4 PM and the guard wouldn't let us in anymore as it's fully booked. So much confidence - this was where it took us. Because we kept talking about the museum in discord, others met us there. So it was like a prelude to the meetup.

Akuma was so delighted to tour us in the Ayala Triangle because he's been there 3 times already so he was our guide. Turned out we took the longer route going there but nevermind, we enjoyed each other's company. It was almost time for the meetup so we had to part ways, Akuma going back to his hotel; Demo, Jude and I were going back to Demo's place because I needed to get something that I left there. I had to let the other staff bring the things we brought for the event. They were kind enough to bring it.

Going back to Demo's place from Makati was difficult. We couldn't find a taxi in that area full of buildings. We had to walk a bit far which made me rethink my decisions in life - should I really go back just to get the papers I left? Why didn't I go back when it was still early? Why didn't I go back when I noticed I left it? I should have gone back right away when I noticed something was left behind but I didn't. These were my thoughts as we were walking and looking for a mode of transportation.

No taxi and we found ourselves an upgraded jeepney called e-sakay. I was a bit cautious because it's my first time riding jeepney after being back in the country. My friends (outside Hive) scolded me one time for even thinking of taking the jeepney going to places because of snatchers - they could snatch a hefty sum from my belongings. I was glad though that nothing happened while riding e-sakay. It was kinda safe, we were also seated in the back, and beside me was the sickly Jude.

Upon reaching Demo's place, we did what we have to do. I secured the papers I needed but because I was kinda nervous (or maybe it was the caffeine), I went to freshen up in the toilet as fast as I could. That was probably the fastest freshening up I did in my entire life. They're looking for me at the venue already so we had to hurry up.

Meeting Everybody For The First Time

When the cab was nearing its destination, different emotions started to flow and overwhelmed me. What if.. there were so many scenarios in my mind. There were so many thoughts I couldn't escape. I wanted to shout but I should be behaving in the car. I wanted to run away because of the fear and nervousness I guess? I don't know how to conduct myself in a room full of strangers - I didn't know what to say or feel or whatever. My anxiety was kicking in, and no matter how many times I say it to Jude and Demo that time, the feeling wouldn't go away.

Then I saw a familiar build outside the restaurant. It was @sensiblecast. Good thing Demo had already met him before so he was sure it was him. I felt calm when I walked out of the cab, directly going to Mebu. It felt like he's my shield from all the curious eyes and high hopes of the people from me. I insisted he guide us inside, not even minding that he's having his me time outside the restaurant. He was kind enough to bring us inside the restaurant and at that moment, I rehearsed what I wanted to be like.

I entered the room with a little confidence. I saw everyone but I couldn't recognize them all. It was a short moment and all eyes were on me, I was too shy. I hugged the people I recognized, the first being @indayclara because I wanted to meet her in Cebu but I couldn't. Ahh, I was drunk from the overwhelming feeling at that moment. It felt like I drank the vibes of the people around me.

I hosted the program as crazily as I could. Ooops, not crazy but as lively as I could. I like hosting programs, I've been doing it since I started working but I haven't done it in a while so I was really so tense. 緊張した。ヤバかった！ You probably know by now how the meetup event turned out. If not, you can read this post from @hiveph. So this will be from my perspective.

I was in high spirits but I haven't drunk any alcohol yet. The alcohol choices were not my type, so I had to mix my own. There was shisha but I didn't have the chance to try it with them. So many groups were forming but I didn't have time to socialize with them. I didn't eat anything but I was feeling full. Still, I have to eat a little, or else I would be drunk from only drinking. We had so much fun in those hours that went by so fast.

We didn't want to part ways yet but our time in the restaurant was up. I couldn't think of anything because I wasn't from here. I wanted to have a coffee session or a normal drinking session with them, but as I said, I wasn't familiar with the area I couldn't suggest a good place to hangout, especially in our number. Someone suggested a karaoke place nearby so we went for that. I just wanted us to stay put in one place, not beside the road, standing and talking.

The karaoke place was enough to fit us but it was too hot. Being outside was hot too. But since we're there already, and I thought most of the restaurants and pubs in the area were outdoors, we would be minding the heat so okay, this karaoke works. It's as if all the energy I released from previous program was all gone that when I sat down in the karaoke room, I felt weak and drained. Ahhh~ is this the effect of my introversion now? Or is this because of my age?

We stayed there in the karaoke place for maybe 2 hours til we decided it was time to bid farewell. Some of us were still going to Tagaytay after. I was worried for the kids @dennnmarc and @cli4d because they would have to stay somewhere and wait for 5AM to take the bus home. I told Adam and Jude about their situation and wanted to take them to Demo's place with us - but I couldn't say it straight to Demo. I'm actually shy in real life, guys. 😁 Luckily, and I don't know how Demo was convinced but we were able to adopt the 2 college students for that night - or wait, it's already dawn.

I couldn't relax til I see everybody going home so I made sure they take the cab or go away - in my age, I have so many worries in life including the community members. 😄 In my mind, I wanted us to be the last ones leaving there, but okay, some things just wouldn't go according to my plan. As long as they're safe, I guess I would be fine. I also wanted to take a shower right away when I reached the house.

And that's what I did. I ensured first that the kids and Jude were all good before I left them to take care of my stuff. After a cold shower and my mind being clear, I joined Adam and Demo talking outside til we decided to go to Dunkin Donuts to get my hot chocolate - I wanted something hot that time - but in the end, we stayed longer at Jollibee - talking about deep stuff and all those shit I couldn't even remember now. All I remember was I enjoyed their company, and even when we're all tired, we wanted to bond more.

If I Could Rewind Time, I Would Change What Happened In Tagaytay

Morning came and we had to prepare to go to Tagaytay. We'll be bringing the kids with us. I received bad news from @cthings that morning and that probably affected how I treated the whole group at that time. Sorry again guys for treating you badly - it wasn't my intention. I don't usually get upset like that - probably because I like C and the rest of the friends I made on this trip that I didn't know I had already invested lots of emotions in them.

My mood lightened when I got a call from C's number. I was happy but at the same time, felt sorry. I would really treasure this time with C and the rest of the gang.

This Tagaytay trip was really an extra but we wanted to spend every bit of time with everyone doing something so we had to push this through. I wanted everyone to join us though but we're all adults and we have a life outside Hive, I guess. You can read what happened at Tagaytay in @jude.villarta's post.

Long story short, I got drunk that night and I didn't know what I was doing. ご迷惑をかけて申し訳ないです。Sorry guys for taking care of me when you didn't have to. I was actually very disappointed in myself when I woke up the next day and tried to remember the things that had happened. I remembered only a few things and it wasn't pleasant. I wanted to talk and spend time with everybody at that time but the alcohol was terrible and knocked me out. In the van, I was still reflecting on my last night's actions. I have little to no appetite when we came to a beautiful place called Ridge Park Tagaytay. But little by little, I was gaining my energy back.

On the way home, we exchanged some messages with each other. @ishwoundedhealer started it, leaving us first, and we continued our heartfelt messages to everyone til we reached Manila. I enjoyed that time in the van, it was short but I was able to let my emotions. I'm not really the emotional type anymore but this trip made me.

Last Moments In Manila

I wanted time to be still and enjoy more time with my newfound close friends but soon, we would be back to our lives. We spent our last night in Manila together at Saigosan and Denny's in BGC - not with everybody though but many came which made me happy esp @arcgspy and @nmore. I really felt like they're my barkada that I've known for so long. Adam's sister and boyfriend also came, and it was refreshing to see new faces. I think we got along well. 😊

It was time to part ways next day afternoon - Jude, Adam and I were all going to different destinations so we had to leave one by one. Adam and Jude left before me so I witnessed how emotional Demo was when we all left. I hugged Demo 4 times, I think, before leaving his crib. Thank you @demotry for the wonderful accommodation and for the late night talks and everything else. I would love to spend time with you again~

I met a senior from my previous workplace in BGC so bringing all my stuff, I went to meet her. She's a person I respect and admire for being so friendly, generous and everything else. No, she's not my direct supervisor in my previous workplace but I was so close with her. Our meeting was brief because her son was sick so she needed to come home earlier than expected.

With no more plans and afraid of getting caught by traffic, I went to the airport. I met Adam there and we talked while waiting for his flight. Mine's a little bit later so I still had time to roam around.

Meeting Another Hiver In Bacolod

Arrived around midnight in Cebu and my next flight to Bacolod was in 3 to 4 hours. I had to unpack and pack real quick, freshen up in the house and go to the airport. You might be wondering how I did this in a short span - I also didn't know how I did it. LOL But our house isn't that far from the airport so it's all good. 😆

The main reason why I came to Bacolod wasn't really to meet @ayane-chan who couldn't make it to the meetup in Manila. I guess I'll make another post for that reason - or maybe not. Let's see where my laziness will take me.

Anyways, I meet ayane in the newly opened mall in Bacolod. It's been years since I have been here in Bacolod and I didn't stay at my grandparent's house so I felt like I was lost in a familiar city except that I know where I was but I just didn't know what jeepney to take. LOL I could take the taxi but my mom insisted to take the mini bus or the jeepney.

Openminded ka ba? was my first phrase to Ayane. She's so petite! If we're together, we're like 10. (If you get the joke, okay LOL) We talked a lot in Starbucks while sipping her venti coffee. I didn't finish my drink but she did. 👏 We didn't even realize it was time for dinner so we had to roam around the mall and look for some nice place to eat.

While eating, we were joking about meeting Adam. Her first question to me when she met me was Gwapo ba si Adam? (Is Adam handsome?). I couldn't answer her properly and just shrugged it off between the lines of she has to see it for herself. We were really having so much fun talking about so many stuff then later on, we were on the boat going to Iloilo on that night. 😂

We joked about going to see Adam in discord. Jokes are really half meant - because in just a few hours, we'll be landing in Iloilo. Ayane's first boat trip was with me! Yipeee!

Brief Stay At Iloilo

To get to where we would be meeting Adam, it would take us a flat rate of 1,500 pesos (~27 USD) for the taxi in the port. This port was kinda far and since we're already here, and we had no choice but to just do this til the end, let's just go with it I said. Our taxi fare was way more expensive than the boat fare. LOL

Adam was sleepy but we woke him up and let him be awake the whole night - we didn't let him get any sleep. The 3 of us talked about a lot of stuff, and we kept going out for food and drinks too. He went out at 6:30 AM and Ayane and I slept after.

It was such a short stay in Iloilo but I wish next time, it would be longer - if there's a next time. And I would still want Ayane to be with me the next time - if there is.

Looking back at it now, that was so impulsive of me to be there. It was fun at that moment, but I realized I shouldn't have met Adam in Iloilo at that time. We shouldn't have joked about going there. My regrets in life.. how I wish I could turn back the time. There's nothing bad that happened but I just think it would have been better if we didn't go or only Ayane goes. I don't know.. it's hard to understand what I'm feeling. I just want to forget about that time. Being spontaneous also brings trouble and unnecessary drama.

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I enjoyed the meetup in Manila - I never would have thought that our closeness in Discord would also be the same in real life. I also enjoyed my extended meetup with Ayane. It took me so many plane tickets and all of them were so expensive I wasn't sure how I could pay them all - but those moments I had with the rest of the community were so priceless and couldn't be bought. They're all in my heart and I will cherish them forever. If only we're not bound to anything, we could have spent more time together but we're responsible adults I guess.

By the way, my trip was katas ng Hive - I withdrew some of my savings here on Hive to make this all happen. Of course, not all because I still want to grow here on the platform but it helped me a lot with the expenses. So thank you Hive!

Will I be attending the next meetup? Maybe no.. I don't know yet. I'm kinda emotional now and still reflecting on my bad behavior. If ever I would attend, I would change the way I acted, and the way I talked and probably be more mature in handling things. The way I am right now, I'm really not the best version of myself. Of course I'm happy seeing my friends, it felt like I know them for many years already, but there's this me - who's also anxious and I don't know.. I keep thinking of what if I didn't go to the meetup? Will things change?.

So yeah, there's that version of me that keeps thinking of such things.

But I'm more than grateful that I have met a few names I have interacted with online. You're all the best! I hope I could get to see you all next time.. come visit me here pls. charot

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Thanks for reading!
See you around! じゃあ、またね！

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^{All photos are taken using my phone unless stated otherwise.}