Giving Back Should Be Out Of Gratitude | LOH #148

I read @itravelrox's story and wanted to share my thoughts in just her comment section but then I realized I also have a lot to say. So here I am, ladies.

Money is always a sensitive issue in my family, or maybe at least for me. My family isn't rich, we have enough, so when I finished college, my father kept saying he didn't have to work anymore because it's time for me to pay back what was given to me. Was it a joke? I wasn't entirely sure because he kept repeating the same thing every time.

Back story. My father didn't have a proper job but he's doing his best to provide for the family. He owned a small business, rented the space for it but not entirely earning well. The pay was just enough to put food on our table and give us allowance for school.

My mother wasn't living with us and at that time, she was nursing my grandparents who were sick. She didn't have income but she had savings at least, also from my grandparent's inheritance probably. Even when she's far away, she would send money for our needs.

My parents didn't really have to worry about my tuition in college. I had a scholarship, so most of the time I just needed to pay 2,000-4,000 pesos (35-70 USD) for the remaining tuition. And that amount would be taken care of by my grandfather, then when he died, the sister of my grandfather took care of it.

You see, we're on the brink of poverty but thanks to blessings, we're still safe.

So passing the baton of being the breadwinner in our family.. I didn't know what to feel. Of course, I would want us to have a comfortable life. But the weight.. I wasn't too sure. I was young and a little bit immature.

To be honest, the burden of responsibilities is too much to bear. As the eldest in our family, I know I have to carry this responsibility but why would he stop providing for the needs of the family? Why would he pass this burden to me, his daughter? I had so many whys before graduating college and it just increased after graduating.

I was blessed to land a job even before graduating. My first job was as a software engineer in the IT industry in our country. It pays well if you compare it to other professions. I didn't inform my family of how much my salary was because it would cause problems for sure.

I provided to my family of course. Not because the responsibility was passed to me but because I just like to give. Who doesn't want a comfortable life for one's own family anyways? I helped with the groceries and bills but later on, the responsibility of sending my brother to school was also given to me. I didn't mind because that would mean helping my family, right?

Later that year, I was solely paying for a loan from my grandmother (not the one mom was taking care of). That loan was to pay off the bill of electricity in the house, in which we're living together with another relatives' family, my grandma's house to be exact. We're out of electricity for more than a year because of not paying for many months, and the penalty just went sky high that we, rather I, had to take a loan for it.

Back then I didn't think much because it would mean I would be helping the family but later I realized, why do I need to take care of that as well? I was paying off the loan.. which should be the responsibility of the families living in the house. Why am I paying for everything?

When is giving enough?

I'm not so sure myself.

Years later, we decided to move out of my grandma's house, we're still renting til now. I sent my brother to college, he took his time but eventually, he finished. My father was giving him his allowance for college, which I was thankful for. If he had stopped working and given all the responsibilities to me, I would probably become so rebellious.

My relationship with my father now is very complicated but we're civil now. We had a fight years ago because of money. Before, I would be paying off almost everything for the family, now at least everyone in the family is sharing burdens. I guess that fight helped.

I'm living away from my family now and they actually think I'm living a luxurious life abroad. To be honest, it's not easy because I also have bills to pay here. I let them understand my situation which led to a big fight in our family, but I'm happy I let my feelings out.

I like to give, but only if I have something to give.
How can I give when I don't have anything left for me?

Being a breadwinner was exhausting so to avoid the stress, I indulged myself in traveling and eating out with friends. Those travels though were tightly budgeted, up to every coin. I earned my salary, I should also enjoy it, right? Besides, I still give to my family, so I'm allowed to have this treat, right?

Until now, I still think it's not the sole responsibility of the child to pay back to parents. It's the parents' choice of bringing the child into the world, they should be responsible until the end.

Paying back shouldn't be required for children. It should be the child's choice to pay back, out of gratitude and not out of duty. Giving back should be out of gratitude and not because it's imposed.

I'm always envious of Japan's view on this. Japanese parents don't require their children to pay them back. My Japanese partner would often wonder why I kept sending money to my family even until now. When will this stop? I'm also not sure.

I think that's also the reason why I don't want to have a child of my own. I don't want to pass the burden of being a breadwinner and/or require my child to pay me back. My child doesn't owe me anything. It's the parent's responsibility to raise that child.

Even when I probably sound like ranting now, if I would go back in time, I would still be giving to my family. I don't regret being a breadwinner either, not anymore now. Graduated from being one and am glad I did. Now the entire family shares the expenses in the house.

My POV now is still of a daughter though. I'm not entirely sure if this will change when I become a parent (if and only if I will, maybe nope) but I will really try my best as to not be a burden to my child. I want my child to be free, and not to be in chains of paying back to me.

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Thanks for reading!
See you around! じゃあ、またね！

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With love,

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^{All photos are taken using my phone unless stated otherwise.}