Grief - Life is not always rosy

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Christmas is around the corner, but it doesn’t seem like the Christmas of 1998 to me. I stopped feeling the excitement of Christmas many years ago. Aside from the biblical story attached to Christmas, it is the period to spend time with families and loved ones.

Back in the ‘90s and early 20s, Christmas used to be the most exciting time to spend with my close and extended family. Aside from the fact that I was young, the entire family was complete and there used to be fun unlimited. Christmas changed for me when I lost my parents in 2007. I felt so alone and nothing seems exciting again. If there was a painless way to die, I would have committed suicide because I felt there was no how I would survive without them. Yeah, my family is big. I have many brothers and sisters. But I could not connect with them the way I was connected with my parents because I am the last child of the family.

However, out of the 1000 reasons to give up, I still find 1 reason to stay alive, but not the way I used to live. I felt something was missing and gone within me. After my university, I moved out of my city to the capital city and I lived like someone without a family. My cousin is the King of my village. I have over 100 known families, but I don’t travel home to check on them. I have not travelled to my village in over 20 years.

I receive calls every time from my family persuading me to come home, but I have not travelled once. It would have been easy for them to come and check me, but they do not know where I live precisely in the capital city. They just know I am in the capital city.

I live alone and celebrate Christmas with few people around me here. It seems the death of my parents took away the drive to visit home again.

Life is not always a rosy journey and everyone has things they deal with. We just dress up every day looking neat outside, but the inner side is filled with many things. This is why I don't judge people from distance. People deal with a lot of things.

Well, for this coming holiday, I will remain in the capital city and spend time with the few people around me. Travelling home will just open the wound I am trying to cure. It is 10 years already that I left the city and I have not seen many of my siblings. I hope I will find the 1 reason to travel home soon.

I pray for peace!