My Experience with Depression, Anhedonia, Apathy & Addiction
(Edited)
My Experience With Anhedonia & Apathy
Webster definition of anhedonia - a psychological condition characterized by inability to experience pleasure in normally pleasurable acts
Webster definition of apathy – lack of feeling or emotion & lack of interest or concern
Ever since I went through puberty, I've suffered from almost a total lack of pleasure from regular activities. I've felt next to no emotional variance, and usually, just feel numb and discontent.
My social life has been very lackluster. High school was hell, college-age even worse. I never had the drive to go find new friends or a relationship. After childhood, I never again experienced any joy out of normal activities or bonding/socializing with others the way a normal person should. I've spent 90% of my time on the computer, it was the only thing I found fun. I started using drugs at about 13 years old, and couldn't stop experimenting with anything I could find. I found my social crowd eventually, and it was the degenerates. I spent every aching hour researching drugs or doing them, and a lot of the time both. I didn't know that rebound emotions happened as a result, which led me into the deepest, darkest of times.
My mom was a single mom who worked all day, she couldn't watch me, and I took advantage of it. My Dad told me stories of his partying and said things like "there is nothing wrong with getting an eight ball of coke once in a while, just don't get caught." and glorified his college drinking days a ton. I don't blame either of them for my choices, but they certainly played a role in my addiction & eventual mental decline.
As I progressed through drug use & addiction, my mental health declined significantly. My memory got much worse, and the already preexisting anhedonia got a lot worse. My depression took over and ran my life by the end. At first, I could work, and at least make the effort to copy people's homework, so I didn't flunk the grade, but by the end, I was a complete mess. I got fired from most jobs and quit the rest, I couldn't stand doing anything other than lazing around on the computer and playing video games, or listening to music. I felt nothing at all.
My lifestyle definitely played a role in my depression, anhedonia, and apathy. I didn't have the motivation or drive to make a life worth living. I have gone through years of suicidal thoughts but have never acted on it, but I feel like I'm finally past it. Recently my living situation, job and lifestyle plus a 3 tab acid trip 😄 opened my eyes to what I wanted from life, and what I was living wasn't it. I have finally found peace, happiness, and know what I want from life. A huge personality change was necessary to break out of the prison I was in.
The only thing that helped my anhedonia & apathy besides drugs was antidepressants. The only ones that have worked were Wellbutrin, Effexor, and Cymbalta. I currently take 2x 30 mg Cymbalta, 3x 800 mg Gabapentin, and 3x 8 mg Suboxone. I have no anhedonia or depression anymore, and feel tons of motivation. It takes awhile to find the right medication combination but don't give up! i found relief several times with antidepressants, but went back to drugs as I am a hedonist, and an addict. Now i'm taking no illicit drugs, and feel great. Yes, the suboxone is a crutch, but it's the only thing preventing a relapse right now, so I'm using it for the time being.
Thank you for reading! Message me any questions, and I'll answer them as soon as I can. Please give suggestions on what kind of content you like to see, and what is popular in the blogging community, as I am trying to improve.
Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash
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The road finally had the light you needed, welcome back and welcome to your new life taking charge is great and needs courage so congrats. The fact you have done three blogs and your honesty are heavenly appreciated. I would advice to use the #thoughtfuldailypost tag there the founder @wesphilbin is the force that will for surr get you more readers and appreciative votes. For now do drop in discord. Terminal or Ecency will for sure get like minded hivers and friends to your life. I am proud of you, we need more people that take charge !
Thank you for the shout-out dear friend.
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That's alot for one to go through, but happy you're way above that now and always. You're not alone and this blog will go a along way to help us all. Thank you for sharing.
Also glad you have all that's needed to stay afloat. I like when you said "A huge personality change was needed to break out of the prison I was on"
I'll take that along with me aswell.
Your strenght through this is admirable🤗
Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad some people are finding the blog useful.
I think it's totally cool that you managed to come up off the bottom @sludlung, and really get to see what is out here. Keep at it, be strong and persevere, and you may clear everything up hopefully to where you will never go backwards.
Thanks man, I really appreciate it. It's been very hard, but it just motivates me even more to show everybody they were wrong about me. Really though I'm doing this for myself #1 and next comes my family. 😚
I'm very grateful for the advice, thank you.
He is one cute pug never ever give and try your best
Thanks.
I had similar childhood. I spent a lot of time with the computer during/in my childhood. I was bullied both in the elementary school and in the middle school too, both verbally and physically too. My mother did everything for us (for my brother and me). She loved us more than anything. I learned the school subjects a lot with her. I finished the middle school as a private student. Once I was diagnosed with dysthymia (a chronic form of depression). I got out of that (fortunately/luckily without using drugs), but I had and I still have other disabilities, for example autism spectrum disorder.
Nowadays I live alone, but I am not lonely. I have love, enjoyment, happines and peace with my Harris's hawk.
Nowadays I live under the local minimum wage, but no matter what will happen, I will not give up. There is something to live for.
I am happy to read that you also found peace and happines in your life.
Have a nice day and have a nice weekend.
All the best. Greetings and much love from Hungary.
Thank you I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I suspect I may be on the spectrum but I have never confirmed it. Have a nice week man. Also, sorry for your childhood.
Glad you are feeling well.
Thank you very much.
I identified a lot with your story dear, thanks for sharing here! I didn't start on drugs so early but it was also a way I found to compensate for the lack of meaning and existential emptiness. It took me years and years to discover my diagnosis of chronic anxiety, and I struggle with it daily. I had countless phases of altered consciousness, good and bad phases, with natural and synthetic substances, without a doubt the biggest mistakes came from cocaine, and the biggest hits were from natural medicines like Ayahuasca and psilocybin. I am currently avoiding all substances because they trigger panic states in me and I am again trying to commit to medication (which happens to be Cymbalta too, 60mg), and whenever I need to resort to benzodiazepines (which has been happening daily, but I try to never increase my dose, to avoid building up a tolerance). People like us have a dopamine imbalance and therefore the constant search for emotions and changes. I wish you the best of luck on your journey!
I definitely have a dopamine imbalance, that's for sure. I also had the whole existential emptiness feeling. Thanks for taking your time to respond to my post. 🙂
It's serious