Tales of the Urban Explorer: The Blue Penis House

"Fuck me, what a waste of time"

A large green fence encircled the perimeter of the house, the house we were trying to get close to. We couldn't even see it, such was the density of the foliage between us and it, yet it was there, maybe with swamps also waiting to catch us.

We thought it a great idea to approach from the rear at the edge of a public park. Not so, as dog walkers, pissheads, crackheads, ageing grannies as well as other types seemed intent on what we were up to.

‘Let’s just do the front entrance, I’m not scaling this thing’, I motioned to @anidiotexplores who was more than ready to start climbing.

Five minutes later, we were walking down a lane that ended in a cul-de-sac, with the 'house' situated at the very end. Unless you lived next to it, you had no right to be there, and we were very aware of that.

Huge sprawling mansions of the detached type flanked the house, possibly with overpaid Manchester United football players living in them or incredibly talented blond girls who mutter the words, 'give him that Hawk Tuah and spit on that thang’.

The gate was foreboding, but the wooden post on the right made it trivial to enter the grounds of 'The Blue Penis House', though that name was alien to us so far.

This was a large house, with an even larger garden… though the term 'jungle' was more appropriate. The garage door set the tone of what was to come soon. Blue dicks accompanied by illegible scrawls.

While the left window looks detached and open, it was not. This could have been a big nothing as it was a lead sent to @anidiotexplores by another explorer who might have sent us to simply gain intelligence.

Some do that…. cunts.

Getting around the back was the usual battle of attrition with anything green, some of them of the prickly type like this rose thorn which was taller then me.

Someone had literally wrenched the back door off, and we were in. It was one of those sheer luck timings.

Only a week later 'The Blue Penis House' would be sealed again and disappointed explorers would not be as lucky as us and be able to view dick after dick of the blue variety.

It became apparent quickly that all the possessions had been taken, unless nailed down and that smoke had damaged the house, at least in some rooms.

Cookers and dishwashers aside…

The external board had been partially ripped off, but the would-be robbers gazed inside, saw nothing of value and decided not to bother?

It was not long before an abundance of ‘Blue Penis’ started to show in numbers. For a newish house, the interior was a little stark.

It's a tough call to pen something legible when your sole talent is to be able to draw blue cocks.

I would say the Nazi sympathiser was ‘ere’ before our talented artist arrived with the blue spray paint.

I probably spared you the rest of the bathroom as the toilet is generally jammed with stale turds as well as a covering of rancid piss. It's not a pretty sight even for the #LooLoo community.

...'@livinguktaiwan's... the LooLoo Community, for 'most' things about toilets'...

Do you see now that without a shred of history, like many abandoned houses tend to be, I had no choice than to give this story its very fitting title?

Fitted wardrobes are cool; they even left the coat hangers.

I was trying to contain myself, the artwork was simply that good.

There was no shortage of fitted cupboards, shelves and other wardrobes in most of the upper rooms.

The letters of the alphabet signify it may have been a child's room. Now it's yet another blue penis room.

I do like the snazzy carpet, but the wallpaper leaves much to be desired.

Did you notice they all point downward? There could be a deep and profound meaning to all this.

Apart from the abundance of blue male genitalia, the inside of 'The Blue Penis House' was in decent condition. It is very salvageable and in an affluent area.

I can’t say ‘Falcon Security’ didn’t do their job. It was gone from the Urban Exploring world in a week, and I haven't seen it reappear since.

There’s not a lot they can do when someone heaves off the back door and gently places it next to the now gaping entrance.

With one last view of the house, a tree gone wild, the brush out of control and of course, a Blue Penis, we left the same way we came.

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