Not Going to Greece and Being a Loser

Last year I didn't go to Greece.

I planned to go to Greece in August. And I mean planned. My friend and I had extensively researched and booked and paid for 7 days in Paros. Itenirey set, transfers sorted, we were ready to go. Almost. I didn't quite have a passport.

I don't know what happened to my passport. Last time I used it was January 2020. I went to Cambodia, where whispers of a deadly virus outbreak were just being heard and largely ignored. I must have got back from that trip and hid it really, really well because I still haven't come across it.

I'd known that there was a delay from the passport office: post pandemic, post Brexit, post the passport office being efficient. That's why I gave myself plenty of time. I cancelled my old passport and applied for another one as quick as I could. Then I waited.

And waited, and waited and waited. I called them. And called and called and called. I was on summer holidays with about 2 weeks till I didn't go to Greece and I spent more time talking to people at the passport office than any of my friends and family.

I rang diligently every day, trying to get my passport expedited (I also learnt the word expedited). I enlisted back up: my girlfriend's mum helped out, joining me in harassing the passport office into printing my passport. She's a seasoned complainer. If anyone could coerce Her Majesty's Passport Office (HMPO) into rushing through a passport application it was going to be her.

She got further than I did. She uncovered the truth. The truth was something that I already knew. I was a massive loser.

I've lost my passport ~5 times. I can't really remember how many times. I've lost my passport in Prague, I've lost my passport in a fire, I've lost my passport and then had to delay moving to Dubai, I've had emergency passports (2), and I've had a passport that was only valid for a year (special measures), I've been to more than my fair share of consulates and embassies. All I need now is for my dog to eat my passport and I'll get a full-house at an unlucky bingo game.

I can't tell you how or why I lose my passport. It's not something I recommend. It's a very expensive and inconvenient hobby. I can confidently say the fire wasn't my fault.

Here's a picture from a news article about the Europapark fire. My passport was in the office burnt to the ground straight ahead. The other losses though, all me.

Something you learn when your dealings with HMPO are this frequent is that you don't actually own your passport. The state does. And they are allowed to not let you have a passport.

And they had decided to not let me have a passport, for the moment at least. My dreams of Greece (mostly based on Mamma Mia) came crashing down around me. It was suspicious to have lost my passport so much in the last 6 years. So I had to have an interview to prove my identity before they issued my new one. I was miserable.

I booked a long weekend in Whitstable and had a Greek meze in tribute. I read some excellent books and had a really lovely time.

About 2 months after I should have got back from Greece, when the last of my Greece tan should have just faded, I had my interview. Not long after that my new Black passport arrived.

Please god, let me keep this one for 10 years.