Sawdust
When I saw him yesterday he wasn't really talking. He was playing with the pills on the table, lining them up in rows. He had been refusing to take them. His mouth is very dry. It's hard to swallow.
'G'day!' he said, happy to see me. It was a shadow of a conversation, the communication of a man slowly losing his ability to communicate on a meaningful level. He'd told my sister he had days left. Mum was thinking November. My sister and I worried it'd be that long. Mum is exhausted. Dad isn't Dad.
He asked if I'd been for a surf.
No Dad I can't surf, coz of my hip.
Oh okay he said. How was it?
What dad? The surf.
Oh, good, Dad.
Mum brought him fruit salad and yoghurt. He ate a strawberry, a few blueberries. Dropped one in his lap. I laughed, he mock scowled at me. He still has a sense of humour.
The table was moving toward him, he said. His fingertips are blue. Mum rubs his hands. He has been having vivid dreams. He is getting reality topsy turvy. He never knows where in the day he is. He's been telling us that for a while now.
He offers me the fruit salad. I don't fancy it but I eat it anyway. It's good and sweet and wet. It could be the last thing he offers me. Mum is talking about online shopping and fresh blueberries. She tells me about his ailments.
Do you want to know a list of everything wrong with me? He whispers. It's a joke.
Later he will tell me not to fall off the ladder. I don't know what he means. I think it's because I had half a glass of wine and it gave me a headache. Perhaps he's talking about wagons.
That night - Sunday night - he fell and Mum couldn't get him up. She called my sister and bro in law, they are minutes away. It's a hectic day, today, Monday - and they have a new palliative team that will come four times a day. They bring in a hospital bed to the main bedroom.
Maybe he called it right to my sister. Maybe it isn't long.
I tell Jamie the updates as he washes the dishes. He begins to cry. It's perhaps time in twenty years of marriage I've seen tears roll down his face.
I must have sawdust in my eyes, he jokes.
That's heartbreaking. I can empathise. My own father died with dementia. I wish you all the strength you need to get through it.
Thanks. Sorry I don't mean to make people sad. It's just writing as catharsis. I'm trying not to focus overmuch on it or overthink it as I imagine we will be having all the feels over coming weeks. Just about to go to sleep so better on the page than swirling around my head. 💕
Sorry about your Dad. My best mates Dad is going that way, well, he's pretty much gone. Hugs x
I'm so sorry, my love.
I hope writing helps. I hope you find strength. You're a very strong and brave woman. You'll get through this.
Of course, and I'm not the only one in the history of human beans - loss is part of the trip. Writing helps - organize thoughts, calm the swirly stuff.
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Damn, so sorry about that, you know my grandma started showing signs of dementia and at times my mind swoons to how it'll feel when it's time to say goodbye. I can't fathom how you must be feeling, but I'm sure it'll get better with time.
I know writing this, in a way, has given you some form of liberation. Sorry, friend. No one should have to go through this. But I believe that it's something you'll work out cause you're courageous like that, and surrounded by people who love you. It will be well.❤️
It's all okay. Everything is part of life xx
Awe. The journey of life. Much love and comfort to you and yours & your journey continues to unfold. ❤️❤️
💖
I have tears in mine, no joke.
The dying know inknowable things. I am with you, I hope that gives you some small comfort. Many of us are.
love
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Wes...
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Thanks..sorry if I didn't post in right place . I wasn't sure where to put it, and posting it in a kind and soft community made sense to me.
Aw thanks.
And you know already my images are my own. ;p I state this in my profile which I edited just for you last time you asked 💖💕💖💕💖
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I am sad about your dad. For his sake, I hope your dad is right... But it's the saddest, hardest time to come.
I wasn't able to write about it, I just had too much on my plate. Once he was gone, I did write in a journal though.
He died today. 💗 Better he's not in pain.
Oh, river! I am so sorry! My heart goes out to you. Sending lots of hugs and warmth to you and family. You will be in my thoughts constantly.
Be strong to bear everything happening. Sorry for your Dad