My Hectic May Not Be Your Hectic, But Please Respect It
'Mind if we raincheck?', I asked a mate last week. She was meant to be picking up a mushroom bucket from me, but I knew if they came over it'd be a couple of hours out of my weekend and we had a constant stream of people dropping over for cuppas or picking things up or dropping things off.
'Things are a bit hectic', I said. And they were, for me. Everythings relative. Hectic was the stream of people, housework, doing the garden, and building the back of the camper with Jamie that kept being interrupted by people. I needed space. It's not that I don't love people, just sometimes I need quiet, because my bones rattle with the demands placed upon my nervous system by noise, talking, responding.
She said sure, next weekend was fine. I was quite relieved yet looking forward to seeing them at the same time - they are old friends that I hadn't properly caught up with in years.
It was a relief to have space, to potter and spend time with Jamie, and by late afternoon we had finally sat down for a beer in the sunshine to shoot arrows and chat. I was starting to unwind. The birds were darting through the trees, including a new parrot we hadn't seen before, and the world was full of beauty and light. I took a short video of Jamie taking aim at the target, panning the camera round to take in the trees, bird song, blossoms, sunlight, and posted it as a story on Instagram.
In the morning I woke up to a message from said mate. It seemed very snide and irritated in tone: 'Hmmm, not TOO hectic then I see' it read in response the 5 second video.
At first I facepalmed myself for posting it, shooting off a defensive, explanatory message that tripped over itself in an attempt to make things right. Because she was annoyed, as if I had lied to her or something. Clearly, if I was shooting arrows and drinking beer, I could have had them over.
But the more I thought about it, the madder I got. How on earth does a five second video explain what I'd been doing all weekend? If she had bothered to visit over the years maybe she would have known about my hypersensitivity, my stress breakdown, how I cope with life by creating spaces where I can recharge so I am capable of socialising, doing what I need to do to have a rich and fulfilling life. Heck, even our young houseguests totally embraced me going off for a surf 'because I need to recharge my batteries and needed some alone time.'. They got it when I said it wasn't them, at all, just I am better at life when I take time to recharge.
The worst was that she had seen my message back explaining that for me, things HAD been hectic, and we had only just sat down for a beer and relax at 5 pm, which was much needed. I briefly mentioned how I was frazzled and overwrought from a hard week and needed space.
And she didn't reply. A week later, still no reply. And she still hasn't picked up her mushroom buckets.
So when they are ready, I'll fry them up with garlic and eat them with sourdough and freshly dressed steamed artichokes from the garden, and turn to friends who don't need big explanations from me, and totally get it when I say things are hectic and I need my space.
With Love,
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Well,meybe she overreacted but...maybe you managed time poorly.we all need to relax sometimes and i understand that.if i make arangements with my friends i NEVER take a raincheck,no matter how tired or unwilling i am.friends are important and we need to make time for them.dont get me wrong,but i would also be mad if i was her.just my 2 cents.
If you were a friend, why would you distrust a friend based on a ten second Instagram AND after they told you how they felt? You clearly don't know how it feels and have very little respect for how I feel. I would never expect a friend to accommodate me if they needed space the recharge or make demands of them they struggle to fulfil. If you say friends are important, it works both ways. Try a little empathy and compassion along with your two cents. 🙏
I'm a natural introvert who is extrovert with people I'm comfortable with. Extrovert people recharge their batteries by being with people. I recharge mine by being alone or with someone who I am very chilled with. I think it's totally acceptable to ask for a raincheck so you can take time out.
You sound exactly like me! Thanks for the solidarity. Sometimes I feel like a freak!
Ha ha! Freaky people are the best! You will be better company when you're not tired anyway.
💚💚💚 Thanks for understanding. I don't think people always try to understand introverts, as if we aren't real or something....
Crap this always sucks. And it is even more sucky because it doesn't even matter what you were doing in the mean time. Rain checking is for getting a more optimal moment for whatever reason right?
Id let it sink for some weeks and then initiate the moment again right?
Thanks Karin, I think you're right .. I'll extend friendship in a few weeks. It does puzzle me, as it shouldn't matter what I was doing as you say. I always find these things hard as I never mean harm and it puzzles me when people think I do.
Don't get too upset , it's just human nature, she might not understand what you do, so that's why she sent you the message, I would overlook if it were I.
Yeah, you are right, thanks for reality check 💚
You are welcome 👍
Ah the perils of social media 😅 I don't do any except Hive and most of my "friends" are 1000s of miles away. Both my wife's family and mine are 100s of miles away also. My wife and I both worked in her family's business for several years. It was way too much. All day with family. Family events in the evenings and weekends. We ended up moving across the country 400 miles away. Not explicitly to escape but escape we did. It was the best thing we ever did.
Hahah sounds like a good idea. I mean, I dont even need friends, honestly, I have HIVE....
So happy for you @riverflows for knowing what you need, respecting yourself and knowing how to recharge. We always need a reminder, so thank you for sharing!
Most people just don't do it, how sad, and so many just don't understand.
Oh these guilts, I do the same and it sucks.
Celebrate that you took care of yourself! If your friend understands, that's great. If not, not your fault. Maybe she had a bad day, maybe she will never get it, it's all good :)
xxxx
I really don’t know who is to blame… it’s not wrong to want to be alone and have some me time, but again it wouldn’t be a nice feeling to see some you consider a friend having “fun”
when that same person didn’t want to see you. You both have your explanations. Maybe she’ll call back or something. Life goes on anyway
yeah, totally, but it was a short insta video in a long weekend, so what? And how did she know what was happening outside the frame? She just had to stop and think about it. That's what annoyed me, that she was judging me on a short social rather than listening to my words.
That’s true though and I know it hurts..just let her be. If she comes around,great. I don’t think you should keep explaining yourself after all you have tried your best
Her loss, if she was a real friend she’d know you needed the space or you wouldn’t have asked for it.
Everything is relative. And your hectic is certainly not mine....although I guess yours and mine is quite similar. I had a friend like that. I write had because I should probably have blocked her but I'm too nice. I declined many invites and then made the exception only to regret it because she asked on greeting me: "So? What do you really keep yourself so busy with?" I wanted to slap her. I didn't. But I sweetly said "Well yesterday I alphabetised my spices and tomorrow I'll be colour co-ordinating my husband's socks"
Haha that's not passive aggressive at all!!! LMAO, you're the best - love this. If only I had the courage to retort in such a manner.
I'm fed up with people making me feel bad. I all of a sudden feel as if I've got too old for it.
Definitely not too old for it. Just tired of the crap. People have no compassion - most people have very little compassion. And are so self focused they don't see further than their agenda and their hurts. You know that expression about walking in another person's shoes......like the first comment you received. No idea
Oh I'm glad you baulked at that first comment too. Was wondering if it was just me being sensitive.
This sounds familiar! But my friends and those closest to me learned (the hard way) that in order to get me onboard even a quick dinner, things must be scheduled ahead! I tend to be at home and spend my weekend doing things my way, cooking, baking, cleaning the house, painting and watching Netflix and to me, all these activities are as important as my day job or any catch-up with friends or any events for that matter. That's my hectic on my free days at home. And I don't even feel bad for not showing up to some events or receiving guests at home because I have lined-up activities that will definitely help me recharge my body and mind for the next week's work.
People wouldn't understand everything we do, but if we're happy, we don't have to explain everything! Enjoy your week further! ✨😁
Oh sounds like we are very similiar. We really shouldn't worry, should we, about people judging us. What's important to us might not be important to others but that's okay. And goodness, if we dont get those things done it makes us feel stressed, so it's importnat to prioritise them as well! Although of course, sometimes housework needs to be put to one side to go have fun, right?
I tell you what, after having houseguests for three days I was sooooo happy to watch Netflix last night! Heaven!
I can relate to this.... sometimes we find ourselves explaining things to people just to make them feel better that's because we know are considerate..
You ave every right to be left alone I sometimes feel like just being indoors all day just me and my space and I hold no one any explanation.
Maybe the next time you meet with her, don't bring the topic up allow it slide, but if she does bring it up calmly but tactfully explain to her I'm sure she is just over reacting.
I'm continually gob-smacked about the judgements people make about the snippets I choose to post about my life and my day. It's rarely a full picture or balanced. It doesn't show the chaos in my head or the fear in my heart, which are REAL for me.
You do you. If hectic means 3 trips to the kitchen to refill the teapot are too much, consider investing in a teapot. Happy to provide a note for you, anytime, to anyone who needs it. Spoken from my bed on a busy Friday morning. My 8.30am meeting cancelled with a fever. Not telling NOBODY at the office. And thoroughly enjoying my last morning f=of being 58 with coffee, the cat and some damn HECTIC hiving!! 🤣
I hope that you have since let this slide off your back, To be honest that remark says a lot about her, she could very well have responded with, good to see you have a few moments to chill during your hectic day.
I'm feeling pretty frazzled at the moment as lots of people are walking through the land am on, as part of it is up for sale, which gives me very little privacy. I am trying to breathe through it.
You enjoy those mushrooms beautiful xxxxx
Thanks babe. Yeah people can set you on edge... No wonder I keep needing a break. Have you got plans to gb elsewhere or are you hoping to stay under new owner?