Yesterday, I felt caged in the labyrinth of hopelessness with a flameless candle.

Perhaps there is a cure for anything except for death, and this is one thing that I cannot handle in life.

After I have experienced death of a loved one, somehow I was losing a sense of purpose, and the worst, it led to loss of hope, making me hopeless for a month when my sister died tragically.

My life was once frustratingly unknowable.

Even now, the memory is vividly clear. I was shocked and in trauma during and after the incident. And it was very hard for me to understand and accept everything.

Personally, I experienced losing hope and it was never easy.

At a young age, I was full of hope and optimism. Despite the downsides of life, never did I think of giving up nor quitting on any aspect.

But then, after experiencing the worst, I admit that I became hopeless.

I was like a flameless candle caged in a labyrinth of hopelessness with my weakest self.

Once in my life, I was full of enthusiasm and optimism.

I was once cheerful, enthusiastic, and hopeful, but in a blink of time, I was in low spirits in queer street.

I was thinking that I would be better off dead, her death was crippling me with so much pain and full of guilts every single day. Perhaps I was very hopeless while losing a sense of purpose to move forward.

There was one time when I talked with somebody and expressed to her my personal views about life after my sister died.

Out of nowhere, I was eloquently assertive about death and life while relating it to my personal and my sister’s experiences, not to mention that since we were young, we were both dreamers and ambitious just because we were not born with a silver spoon in our mouth. And that, we are consistently doing our best just to achieve our dreams and goals.

I paused for a while, and reflected about how tough life is. The saddest truth is that, her dreams also died with her.

I cried an ocean of tears because I really knew how persistent and consistent she was back then. We have both dreams for each other, and we were both hard working for we have so many plans for our parents and for our extended family.

Needless to say, she was so intelligent with a lot of achievements both in her personal and professional life. She is beautiful with a heart. And she must have been somebody in the future who could contribute a positive impact in the society, yet on that very moment, her last breath caused so much sorrow and despair, making me very hopeless about life.

Meanwhile, I realized that no matter how we hustle hard all throughout our existence just to achieve whatever the desires of our hearts, we are all clueless about life. Whether we like it or not, everything has an end, and we will not know when.

Death stopped everything and it made me hopeless…

Through a worst experience, I once knew how it feels like to be hopeless. I felt insane for a while and I was like a weakest bird that is flying without a direction on a stormy day.

My heart was crushed into bits with so much wounds and scars of yesterday. My soul was caged eternally in the labyrinth of hopelessness.

While I am still alive, I admit that loss of hope is worse than dying for I was losing a sense of purpose and I was losing my dignity.

When we become hopeless, we do not care about what is going on. We do not care about the future, and we feel so numb about everything.

I firmly believe that hope is essential to life. While there is hope, life goes on. But when hope is gone, everything becomes meaningless.

The golden hour always reminds me that no matter how worst and hopeless life might seem, there would always be something beautiful coming on my way, and that every cloud has a silver lining along with a magnificent rainbow in a calm sky.

Loss of hope is definitely worse than dying. We will all die, but nothing beats a meaningful life all the way until the end, while staying hopeful and having a sense of purpose and dignity.

Today, I am down but not out. I have learned my lessons through the worst. And while life still remains, let hope dwell always with a brightest smile.

This is my personal response to @galenkp’s deep-thought weekend questions for #weekend-engagement concept 123.

”Is there something worse than dying? What is it and why do you feel it is worse? Explain your answer.”

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Disclaimer: All texts and photos are my own, unless otherwise stated.