Bigger Pay, Lower Pay: What does it matter?
Personally, I believe that we are not ready for this conversation. Some women feel comfortable in a relationship when the man has a bigger pay, but are not so eager to date someone who earns less. Why?
Why is it always different when the circumstance is reversed? I mean, men are people too, so who set a standard that a man may date a broke or low-earning woman, but really a taboo when a woman does?
I read somewhere on Instagram, where someone had put up a post implying that women go on social media to speak about feminism, demand gender equality. Ask to be treated the same way as men and all of that, they declare that men and women are equal but deep down in their souls, they wholeheartedly subscribe to the notion that the financial obligation of a relationship(intended or existent)has to be placed on the man.
So, you start to wonder, where is the same fervor with which they yelled out for equality? Completely gone.
I have absolutely nothing again feminism. It’s simply wrong that you identify as a feminist yet you truly are not. You enjoy the concept of feminism but when reality sets in, you offer a male bigger financial obligations, thus, giving him overwhelming influence in your union. Now you do not desire the dominance you so strongly wanted when hiding behind your phone keyboard.
I believe that men know these things and that is typically where their insecurities stem from. I have a buddy who has been single for so long because he feels he’s not nearly as perky financially as he should be. The individual in question is far from broke, he’s pretty comfortable if you ask me.
I know we go on about how a man is a provider and all of that is based on conventional societal gender stereotypes. Many fail to grasp that there are a whole lot of crucial factors to consider before picking a spouse or accepting his proposal. It is not always about money. Do not get me wrong, money is also essential but it is not the most important. However, If that’s your most important criteria for picking a guy then you need to think again.
Please note that this article is in no way implying that you settle for a man who’s not precisely there yet and does nothing to put himself out there, simply put, the lazy ones. It’s geared at the decent, hardworking guys who try everyday to be better versions of themselves. The ones with prospects. When you meet them, you’ll know.
If you find a great person who is hardworking however makes lower than you but you still dismiss him because by cultural standards, “a man must earn more“, then you are so wrong.
Earning much more than a partner or possibility provides you no power to show off or say things to make him inferior. Men are inherently egocentric beings, so every time he is reminded of his lesser wages is a direct strike at his already injured ego.
If you are ready to enter into a suitable relationship, one that is mostly backed by shared values, love, understanding, respect, and friendship, I hope you recognize that it is not always about money.
Money is not a metric to judge people, and it should never be. A man isn’t a means to earn, he is human too. Remember, It’s a relationship, not a money-making plan or a competition. It is intended to be a grow-together affair. At the end of the day, the decision is all yours to make.
I agree with a lot of what you have said. I wonder if you are earnestly seeking answers to your questions because I think I may have some.
I was raised (and I am a woman, since some people ask) to believe I had a mind as good or better than a man's (not because I am female, but because I am fortunate that Nature gave me a good mind). I was taught that I should study and go to university and learn to support myself. No one ever said a man I was with ought to make the same or more than me. I assumed my partner would make less.
What happened? Well, first, I came to understand that not all men were like my father. Although he is not perfect, he believes in equality at least when it comes to the brain. I met many men who were intimidated or angry if I demonstrated more intelligence than they had. Frustrating. It's hard to prove that you are good at your job if you hide your intelligence. This is quite a conundrum for most women and we mostly just accept it and do not speak of it.
Also, you never know. You might be around a man who actually can handle female intelligence, but you must be brave enough to show intelligence first, which, trust me, is a risk.
Putting all that aside (and all that is a lot), in about 2009, I decided to date a man who was a janitor and a musician. I have two university degrees and was freelancing as a private tutor. I did not care that he barely had enough money to live other than from a sense of compassion. From my perspective, one person is as good as another. Money is not the measure of a person.
However, our relationship went very poorly. I frequently had to help my boyfriend to pay for rent or food, but he was not grateful. No. Even though I did not draw attention to my assistance, my education, income, etc. being above his destroyed us. It was not until a few years after that I realized this was the issue.
Even though it was the furthest thing from my intention, the mere fact that I earned more emasculated this man.
My current boyfriend (fiancé, actually) earns more than I do. He is less educated, but he is a secure man and he loves me the way I am. It is hard for women who are intelligent. I have met even VERY smart men who get insecure and seem to prefer women who are less intelligent. I feel very fortunate.
It makes me wonder what women who are REALLY intelligent do because I know I am above average, but not the smartest and I make a lot of errors.
So, my point, in this super long comment, is that I agree that men and women should be equal, which means paying equally also. However, life is very complicated for both men and women. Men still get a lot of their sense of self-worth from income, and most women do not. If a woman chooses a man who makes much less money as I did with my ex-boyfriend, generosity and acceptance are irrelevant. He may end up resenting her anyhow.
Then, there are men who sponge off women, and I have known a few, but that's another story. They don't mind if we make more.
This comment reminds me how lucky I am to have found my fiancé, a man who loves me the way that I am.
!PIZZA
Incredible story. I'm happy you found a man who didn't feel insecure in his relationship with you. I personally don't want to be in a situation where there is a huge earning disparity between me and my partner because of how I saw it play out in my parents lives
Hi @lizzyblueart, I completely understand your point of view. I guess it's just different for everyone in one way or the other.
@harlowjourney I started to type an equally long reply to your comment, but I just ended up deleting it. There's absolutely nothing I would like to add or subtract from all that you have stated here. Plus, I do not exactly know how things are, but I can tell you've found someone who makes you happy and my wish is that your love continues to blossom.
Thank you for taking out time to read and leave a 'super long' comment😁.
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Thank you
The society is not what it used to be anymore. You can hardly see a lady that is ready to settle down with an average man. Thanks for putting this here.
Right, the world is changing at a fast-paced rate right before our eyes. Regardless, I like to think that there are the regular average men-the ones who are comfortable with the basics, and the average men with prospects. Those who would work their asses off to be better.
Thank you for so much for stopping by.
I have to be honest here as soon as what a woman or man earns usually my brain switches off. Over the last nearly 18 years the primary earner in our household has bounced between me and my wife. We both have strengths and weaknesses but together we do fine.
We have had this conversation as bluntly and clearly as possible, right down to the brass tacks.
I believe personally we have all focused so much on equality that we forget the basic questions of happiness. Wanna be a house husband or house wife? Good for you it's a full time job. Same respect as anyone working a 9-5.
We should all accept that money is the last reason to decide on a long term partner. Respect, Love,appreciation in that order for me. Your partner should always lift you up. That's my take anyway.
But then again... Who the hell am I ?
Great post, look forward to seeing more
This is me talking about something unrelated... 18 years is a long time, just how, how were you able to pull it off? With so many bad marriage stories out there today, every time I hear about one that has lasted for quite a while, it intrigues me, I do hope you understand.
@rubido
Well, I daresay you're the man who just left a really dope comment on my article, so thank you!🙂
Hahaha the years don't count, it's freedom in arguing and freedom in love. A failed marriage is a mistake, a successful marriage is being aware that it's a full time job on top of any other commitments.
Not to mention It's easy to love someone forever if they're awesome
Wow. Thank you for this.