WHAT WOULD I DO DIFFERENTLY FOR MY KIDS?

Okay, let’s start with the obvious fact that I don’t care for kids. I don’t mind not having them. Might seem odd for an African man. In this part of the continent children are seen as the legacy–the continuation of your bloodline–of their parents, which is another thing I don’t care about either.

As I explained to my partner recently, I have spent (still spending) most of my adult life raising my parents’ kids. My dad left for Venezuela in 2010, I was around 17 years old and since then I have assumed the role of father, husband, and brother. Even before then, my dad was never really around. He travelled a lot and I was mostly the one saddled with the responsibility of taking care of my siblings. It is not a responsibility I want to continue all through my life.

Speaking about co-parenting with my parents, the experience has been quite polarising. There are days I enjoy my role as a guardian, but there are days when it becomes daunting. You lose yourself in the process. This is something most people don’t understand. Having kids is a sacrifice, not another milestone you need to reach at some point in your life.

Having kids is also a selfish thing. There are little to no practical reasons for having kids asides from procreation and it comes at a hefty price, emotionally, physically and financially. Not everyone is prepared for that task; not everyone who is prepared can do a great job.

From a certain age, your influence over your kids becomes limited. You see them less; they become more exposed to the bigger world and they are saddled with the responsibility of choosing what they want out of it, and most times it is not the best decision. It can cost them their lives and yours as well, but you must be willing to accept it because your job as a parent is to love unconditionally.

I was fortunate to be around positive people whilst growing up because I would have lost it. I had little to no guidance, my mum had lost the battle over me, I was twice her size and force could not work anymore; my dad was always in another country, so I had to figure things out myself and I made a lot of mistakes on my way.

Another thing that saved me was the fact that I had responsibility. I have four siblings to guide and protect–one of which was disabled. So as much as I could have loved to be like the regular kids, I could not. Life had happened fast to me, so I had to live my reality.

So if I do have kids I don’t think there is anything I would do differently from what I did with my siblings. I can try to be more open and conversational. I am a bit self-absorbed and I don’t think that is a trait of a good parent, so I will do my best to change this to some degree.

Also, I will like to be present in my kids' lives. Being a provider is not the same as being a father. It is difficult to juggle both in this current world. You have to give up one for the other and it is often the easiest and fastest way to lose your kids.

The truth is, you can only do your best as a parent. It might not be enough to save your kids or give them the life you dream of, but they will understand–sooner or later in life. I used to have huge arguments with my dad while he was still alive. Many things did not make sense to me then, but now I understand the reality of being a man.

Most people would say that the world has changed and there is more equality between genders, but most of that is still crap–especially in the society I live in. The world is still very much a difficult place for men (and women) and still have to take it in your strides. So I appreciate my father a lot more than I did years ago. He wasn’t perfect but I know he give me and our family his all, and that is all that matters. If I can be half the man he was, my kids would turn out alright.

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