MY VIEW ON DOMESTIC ABUSE: THE ROLE WE ALL PLAY
Before I begin, I'd like to establish the fact that I’m no marriage expert and I won’t try to sound like one. Everything in this post are all my personal opinions (which, I admit, can be wrong).
Abuse in any form should be frowned upon (in and outside the walls of marriage).
The Nigerian social media space is recently in a frenzy due to the death of a popular gospel singer. More saddening than her death was the cause of death – domestic violence. I got to hear about the news few days ago, it was saddening. After hearing about the tragedy, I went on social media to learn more about the circumstances of her death and I got to learn that she had actually been suffering from domestic violence for quite a while but decided to endure it against the advice of those close to her.
Of course, it didn’t take long before opinions started pouring in. I scrolled through series of comments of people who had quite a lot of things to say about her untimely death. Some people blamed her for not walking out of the marriage, some didn’t, I even came across a comment which praised her for sticking to her marriage despite the abuse. But while going through the comments, one thing I couldn’t stop thinking about was how our society is one of the reasons to blame for the death of the poor woman. How?
Last week I wrote a post about the damages societal pressures can cause. This is one of such problems. “When will you buy your car? Build a house? Marry a spouse? Give birth to a child? Etc.” These are some of the several questions people get asked every day, and the people who don’t have these things are constantly victimized by some of these people who have suddenly turned to marriage counselors.
“She should have left the first time he hit her”, “She should have seen the red flags when they were dating”, “She should have this, she should have that”. It’s the logical thing for her to have left, but she didn’t, did anybody even think “why?”. Don’t get me wrong, I personally do not see any reason why anyone should endure any form of abuse (emotional or physical), but that is my opinion based on the values I was brought up with and the ideals I hold dear, she’s a different human with a different personality and values. For that reason, I think I do not have the right to criticize her for choosing to stay in her marriage. And frankly, no one does.
I know many might disagree with this, but the bitter truth is that, we as a society, are complacent when it comes to matters like domestic violence. The ideal version of a “proper woman” is a docile and enduring woman who worships her husband. I personally feel bringing up little girls with this form of ideology is problematic and it is no doubt one of the reasons why some women will still choose to stay in their marriages despite abuse.
I feel religion isn’t helping matters too. The fact that a woman or man can be victimized for choosing to leave a marriage that isn’t working is not good enough. I’ve seen people stay in unhappy marriages all because of the fear of what their religious or/and social circle will say. Religious institutions need to do a better job and we as a society need to do a better job at preventing such from reoccurring.
But I wouldn’t really blame religion (even though I still think it is part of the problem). I can’t blame religion because I believe we are all independent creatures capable of making decisions for ourselves.
The case of Osinachi made it to public limelight and is generating public outrage, but we all know that online outrage is as reliable as NEPA light. What can be done to prevent cases of less popular Osinachis from happening? Check yourself whether or not you’re complacent? Are you also a “marriage/womb watcher?” If yes, “How can I do better?”.
These are questions we need to ask ourselves to prevent the further spread of this pandemic. In one way or the other, we might be unconsciously adding to the level of social stigma that causes men and women to flee abusive relationships.
Most of us are not celebrities, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make our own little changes. You and I can do better.
Thanks for visiting my blog. God bless
As sad as the circumstances that surrounds this situation is, I really agree to this.
Pressure is real. Peer. Societal. Even, sometimes from religion.
It is also easy to give advices when you're not in those exact shoes of your 'moment mentee'.
But who never mess up before, hands in the air...
No hands?
I guess we should just move from throwing online tantrums (like shifting blames when the deed has already been done) each time there's some sort of traffic on those spaces and start to take responsibility for ourselves, for one another.
We are a family. One society. One community. One love.
One of the lessons I have also learnt from this whole thing is to "look out for your people." A lot of sh*t are happening. Beautiful masks on people's faces.
A little extra checkup and commitment to your relationships will do.
Thank you so much for sharing, boss!!@monioluwa
I just hope everyone will find the strength to do what's right.
Exactly. It is very easy to do when you're the observer. It's a different ball game when you're on the field.
This is why I try to people in any way I can. People are really going through stuffs, and the last thing they need is someone adding more to their problems.
Amen.
Thank you very much for stopping by boss. 🙌🙌
So thoughtful of you my dear. People are going through a lot, there are deep agonies of soul behind the beautiful smiles.
Yeah, of a truth, society has put us under so much pressure and this has affected our lives.
Domestic violence, today, is indirectly encouraged by many religious doctrines and weird beliefs. We give in to these beliefs and in turn, lose proper reasoning.
Also, the African culture depicts marriage as a do-or-die affair, placing a social stigma on people who decide that being divorced is a better option.
Sincerely, we all need to check ourselves and tell the truth.
CHANGE STARTS WITH YOU AND ME.
Thanks for blessing us with this true revelation. Much love man😍
It's not really religion's fault. One should rather blame the religious leaders who propagate these beliefs. They'd be no problem if people subjected the words of their pastor/Imam under intense scrutiny before accepting them. But we all know how some Nigerians get when it comes to matters of religious leaders. To them, their word is law.
People really need to be sensitised about the kind of info they allow in their head.
There's nothing wrong with our culture (at least the earlier version). The real problem is people and the messed up mindset they carry with them.
My mantra. 😊 I try to control the things within my reach rather than worry about everything. I believe it will one day produce a domino effect and the world will be a better place (or not).
Thanks for stopping by chief. 🙌🙌
I love seeing important conversations happening all over the place. I try not to pay much attention to celebrity gossip but if it can bring attention to something that leads to a positive change then great
Yea, me too. But most folks here would rather focus on trivial things rather than combat the real issues we're all faced with. And even if they do talk about these things, it never leads to anywhere before they move on to talk about a celebrity's new car or something. We call them "Twitter warriors".
I have a theory that most of them are just scared to have these conversations and face the harsh reality and that's why they disturb themselves with things that are far less concerning.
Thank you very much for stopping by. 😊😊😁
If we can channel that energy into building communities that fit our lifestyles and ideals , and making peace with communities that don’t, the world will be really awesome…
Call me a dreamer I guess!
That'd be really cool, except the world is filled with different people with diverse ideologies that can never conform... Or perhaps I'm wrong and in that case, it's very much possible.
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The death of this gospel artist has got everyone talking about this issue which seems like it's almost taken as a normal thing.
Women are always told to submit while the men are left to act on their own life of the woman.
It is well.
Are you done with today's task?
I thought to stop by to remind you.
Yea, if the victim wasn't a celebrity, I'm sure the issue wouldn't have gotten this much media coverage. People would've just saw it as another news to scroll by. It's quite unfortunate that this happened to her, but I'm glad we're finally having this conversation as a society and I hope it leads to something good.
I'm a bit confused here. What task do you mean?
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Its the worship for me, really
I get the thing about the society..althougg it contains different people with their different ideosyncracies...you'd see that if the woman had left, it is the still same people that will say you lacks the qualities of a proper woman who dies with her husband abokoku...
I rest my case
People will always talk. The faster we realize that, the better.
People should just strive to do what is right by them and not care about what society might say. That's the best way to live.
Exactly, whether you do the right thing or not, people would always have something to say..
You've got more than a valid point, man!
Thank you dear for this great piece. This really shows that we care about what's going on and are contributing our own quota to make a positive change @monioluwa
It's our society, we have no other choice than to care. 😊
Thank you for stopping by.
You know she was a Gospel singer, people would have said why will a Gospel singer disvorce???
But you see now she's dead
The best Thing was to explain with evidence that the man was beating her
The first step to living a happy, long and healthy life, is to not care about what people will say.
Very unfortunate that she died, I pray her soul rests in peace and that she gets the justice she deserves.
Same people that she bothered about what they will say are same people saying why she didn't disvorce
True, just don't care what people will say
Once again, brother, I think Nigeria is lucky to have you. Your thoughtfulness and wisdom, your curiosity about what drives human behaviour - all of it is going to help your fellow nationals but also those of us, around the world in other cultures reading your words.
I love that you're thinking about and talking (writing) about what role you can take in changing this. So much. That is how change occurs. That is how Osinachi's life (and death) can be honoured and not wasted - through sparking of conversations about how big a problem this really is and how it can be changed.
It's probably also worth noting that even in cultures that don't have the same connection to religion (and therefore stigma around divorce) it's incredibly difficult for a woman to leave an abusive relationship.
Women who end up in abusive relationships of any kind, but especially with the man who is supposed to love and protect them, feel worthless (or some version of this) and may even feel like they deserve to be treated this way. It varies from woman to woman and depends on how long it's been going on and the individual dynamic of the couple. But one this is for sure; in every single relationship on the planet where there is abuse there is an imbalance of power and the person being abused will therefore feel powerless. They may not believe they can leave the relationship. It may feel impossible from where they stand. And oftentimes they feel so deeply unsafe that they won't risk leaving the relationship for fear of being killed by their partner.
I can only guess (as I haven't seen the data, but my understanding of psychology suggests) that there is more domestic violence in cultures where the men make all the money (or far more money) and where they (men) have better access to education than women do. If you layer on top of that shaming of people who separate or divorce then it will be common for women to be ill-treated. And if you layer in this point you made about women being expected to be docile and compliant to their husband's wishes/desires/expectations, it's a recipe for disaster.
If one day you raise little girls of your own @monioluwa, or even get a teaching role (which you would be amazing at, by the way) with young children then teaching girls that they are precious and deserve to be respected and that they are powerful and they have a voice, will make so much of a difference. At the same time, if you teach the boys the same but also treat them to respect girls/women you will create ripples of change through your community.
Thanks for being willing to have these difficult conversations with yourself, brother. This is how change happens, right here, inside you, honouring your desire to see something different.
Thank you very much for your kind words. 😊😊
Thank you very much. It just amazes me how people prefer talking about trivial stuffs here in Nigeria. We all wait on the government and influential figures to start the movement on things that matter while neglecting the fact that we ourselves have the power to bring about change. I just hope many people come to realize this in the coming years.
I've never actually thought about this before but it's true. This is more reason why one shouldn't just jump into a relationship without proper evaluation of who they're about to commit themselves to. Abuse needs to be talked about more often and no one should have to endure any form of abuse (emotional or physical).
You're very correct. One of the reasons why women choose to stay in abusive relationships is because of the uncertainties that awaits them outside their marriage. The country is tough and nobody wants to be thrown into the wilderness. Lack of information is also a factor, I say this because many women do not know that there are several government agencies that can help them get away from their abusive husbands.
Exactly. Violence is so common over here that children grow up to believe that it's a normal thing. Boys and girls that witness violence between their parents also tend to be violent towards their partners.
I try to educate people with any chance I get and I'll keep doing that with every platform I can use.
That might be one of your key messages in this life, good Sir :)
Sounds like a very useful thing to make sure you keep sharing with people, even if it's only in Hive posts.
This is true of all things that all children everywhere see. We are essential in a state of hypnosis from birth until about age 7, so every single thing we see, hear and experience goes into the brain's programming as if it's just the way it is. There is no capacity for critical assessment or reflection on what a person sees until the child becomes older. So it's extremely common for all children everywhere to play out the exact patterns in adulthood that they experienced in childhood.
Good! I'm with you. It's a noble cause to do... for the rest of your life: teach everyone who will listen how to be better and kinder humans.