Losing Focus and Trying to Find Order
I've been feeling a bit lost and off focus of late. There are probably a multitude of causes for this and I'm still trying to get back on track and find something, anything, to try and bring some kind of goal or order back to my life. Even gardening has gone by the wayside, somewhat. I always share my gardening/homesteading updates on Facebook and my biggest reason for doing so is to keep family in England updated about a little bit of our life here in Australia. Probably our biggest fan was my mother-in-law, who loved to hear what we were doing. However, she passed away in January and I've just been wondering what the point was any more. Is anyone really that interested in even reading about it there any more? Well, maybe my sister if she sees it.
While we knew my mother-in-law was terminally ill, her death was sooner than expected and we still haven't been given a conclusive cause of death. It's odd, really, because I wouldn't have said I was close to her, but you don't realise how much you think about someone in your day to day life, until every memory reminds you that they are gone. She has been a part of my life for over 28 years, I guess.
In a way her sudden passing may have been a blessing for her, rather than the slow, painful decline that cancer brings, but there's a selfish part that wanted her to be with us a bit longer. Not that she wasn't already in pain and had indeed endured plenty since her early 30s when her rheumatoid arthritis started. She never got bitter and nasty about it, like some, and never blamed others around her for it.
So we've been grieving, while trying to keep moving forward, but not really seeing a goal or point. My daughter has been a champion in trying to motivate us, though. The garden has been half neglected while I try and get some spring cleaning done inside, with her practically taking me by the hand at times, when things became overwhelming. The 13+ year old sofa has been cleaned with a spot upholstery cleaner that she researched for cost effectiveness and efficiency for us before hubby was out of work. It's called a spot cleaner, but it's ended up cleaning over a decade of dirt from an entire 6 seater sofa and done an impressive job of it! Admittedly, it took several goes over, especially on the favourite seats. Those ones that have had several food and drink spillages over the years, along with the oils that come from human bodies. Yes, the resulting water was quite the sight to behold! Hopefully future cleans will be spot cleans now, though.
We can now see the carpet again in the dumping ground known as the spare room. My daughter got ruthless with me and pointed out when I was hanging onto things, "because I might be able to use it." If I couldn't give her an answer on what I could use it for, it went, either in the bin or to be donated. At the same time as we were doing this, my husband's friend was also clearing out a lot of stuff as his mother was going into a nursing home, so hubby would turn up with more stuff to sort through...one step forward, two steps back, anyone?
We don't often put our bins out for collection, but they've been out every week this last month, between us in the house and hubby in his shed. All this tidying and cleaning feels a little like us trying to get some semblance of mental order as much as household order. Trying to regain some form of control back in our lives.
Outside the second stage of restructuring the runs has begun. I finally sorted out the excess pigeons and the chicken flocks had to be integrated into one. Both stressful events. I ended up propping the aviary door open at half mast so that both runs could be accessed at the same time. The main flock moved the the one with the goosefoot forest, giving the smaller flock a bit of breathing space in the other. The original girls still made sure to come back through at regular intervals to remind the newcomers whose turf they are on, but things seemed to get a bit calmer than they were. So not calm enough it seems, because the Pancake the australorp ended up limping and former flock leader Toffee was still being terrorised by Peep, a newer girl to the small flock who seemed to have decided she should be head hen. So I shut the large flock into one side, with Peep joining them and getting a mild taste of her own medicine for a few days. Toffee resumed command of the small flock and I'm dealing with a slightly impacted crop in Willow who seems to have been stress eating while all this was going on.
That backwards glance of disapproval from Queen Ginger because I didn't have food after she'd expended energy racing the flock to me, along with the butts of the girls who were still trying to see if I had food.
I'd have preferred to move the larger flock to the smaller flock's turf, but that wasn't possible. It's a calmer integration when the majority are the ones in foreign territory.
I wrote about our discovery of termites in the plum tree branches last garden update and Nikv enlightened me to the fact that the termites were also the likely cause of the nutrition deficiency in the leaves of the tree, as there would be a colony in the roots. I cut off the worst looking branch to see how salvageable the tree is and even where it didn't look obviously damaged it revealed that the termites have basically tunnelled through the centre of the entire tree. They were quick to plug up the opening I made in their home when I removed the branch.
Excuse the moulting quail partially camouflaged in the shot. I don't think she was really wanting to be a model in that state.
So it seems that I've two options, let the soil dry out completely to kill the colony, which would also kill the tree, or compost like crazy to try and counteract the termite activity. I'm going with the second option, as the termites only chew up the dead wood, which is the centre of the tree. Of course this will still weaken the structure of the branches, but I'll slowly remove the large ones over time and let new ones replace them, at least for a long as the tree survives.
I gave the lawn a trim along with the wormwood and ran the mower over that as well. That's what you see at the base of the tree in the above photo. The quails are enjoyed digging themselves into it. Wormwood being anti-parasitic, it might help them with mite control, if they have any.
With root knot back in one of the growing beds and termites under the plum tree, with possibilities that they might be moving over the the old apple tree as well, I was rather surprised when hubby made a comment along the lines of the garden doing well. These things chip away under the surface, a bit like a lot of things in life really.
Yet an explosion of the largest, plumpest goji berries we've ever had greets me every time I step out into the front garden. A reminder to try and look for the good in life perhaps.
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These are hard times to stay motivated in!
Indeed. Probably doesn't help that I've reached that age where I'm going to see more and more people passing on who were a big part of my early life.
Hope you're taking care of yourself.
Sort of, but i must admit to finding things a bit trying. We have often talked about the shit hitting the fan.
But the next part is worse!
Oof, those termites have been busy! Sounds like you are in a difficult phase of loss and renewal all round. Change is never easy and I guess you just keep plodding until one day you look around and realise that that part is over and the world seems a more cheerful place again. Good luck with the process!
I guess they've been there a while, munching away at the insides. It just took me a long time to see the signs. Thank you for your feedback, I wouldn't have realised the extent of it otherwise.
As I get older I find change harder and harder. As you say, though, keep plodding on.
I wouldn't have ever considered either of those termite termination tactics.
I just assumed you'd need to build a big fire at the base, burn the whole thing down, and replant in the ashes.
Our plumcot's looking really nice. Taller than me, and lots of healthy looking leaves. I can still kill it from here though.
Lol! Sounds like you have the same killing skills as me. They say that snake plants are great house plants, because they are unkillable. Guess who managed to kill one...?
I need to be more positive, though, as we keep things alive longer we are improving and raising their chances.
There's been a lot of brain fog and malaise all around the globe lately, it seems. Many of us are grieving, and generally weary of global events. Spring has been teasing us here, so I've been putting things in order outside first, and letting the house stay neglected for now! Hopefully a vigorous growing season will help you get feeling back to 'normal'!
Weary is certainly a good description of how the world is feeling right now...
Fingers crossed for spring. Looking forward to seeing what you'll have growing.
Well, I may not be your sister, but read your gardening posts and enjoy them!
Thank you for saying so. I'm glad for your interest as well, your taught me quite a few things over the years.
Good on your daughter giving you some metaphorical slaps.
Even with the issues, it's proof that life is ebbing & flowing around you.
Everything finds its place, especially, YOU 😄
You have always been an inspiration to me and I am sure many others value your encouragement & hope.
She's quite the mother hen, bless her.
Thank you for that encouragement. I'm glad to have been able to help someone.
Great Light upon you for your aunt's passing. In my experience, those moments of doubt and confusion are always preludes to something greater, an expansion. I hope that's the case for you too, and you're right, it does feel that all the cleaning and reorganizing are part of both the personal mourning process and also the bigger picture of the world right now. If I can help you in any way with my service, let me know! Blessings to you and your family that you may traverse this rough patch with greater ease!
Thank you. I may take you up on that.
Oh love
sorry to hear about mum in law... just because its expected doesn't make it easier, especially when its quicker than you expected.
Your garden posts are always lovely to see. We put our bins out every week too.. even though our rubbish one is hardly every more than 1/2 full these days. We are actively reducing our rubbish. Used to overflow every week.. so it has at least 1/2ed sometimes there is only one bag. We put it out just in case though.
Now we have the HUGE compost bins - i mean new garden beds going in, we are filling them up with all the green and brown we can. Reducing the load in the bin and recycling.
im desperate to get chickens in our new area... but my husband is still convinced he wants bees... i mean i LOVE bees in that they are essential to the enviroment... but... i like chickens too...
this is where we are with ours. I will post a post soon with the updates for the week. Its still looking so bare... but we are getting there. I can't wait to strip out the back slope.... picture it covered in melons and straw... :-)
stay strong
Sarah
Haha! Your compost bins are the best! We stopped using our green bin years ago now. Between chickens and the garden, nothing organic leaves the property, unless it's got root knot in it and then it's just the roots.
Picturing that back slope right now! The watermelons are looking particularly good. 😁
Yes... we are saving a bucket load on soil by "making our own" my husband tends his compost everyday with more care than i could have imagined.. lol
its amazing how full they are getting! not sure if we will plant all of them come september, as we want to get out hand in and make sure the soil is good first. but we might do. Think we might do a test bed late winter with some peas to do a spot of nitrogen fixing or something. test the soil... then plant september.
Can't WAIT to do the back slope. also want to do a "gourde tunnel" in the middle... not sure how it will work.. but very keen...
My condolences on your loss! <3 Grief is hard. You're allowed to be not really functional! You've still done a lot it sounds like even!
That sofa cleaner sounds great. I've seen some videos of people doing such work and it's always so satisfying. The water whenever I've shampooed carpet is always gross, so I feel you on that.
Oh no termites! Hopefully your composting idea works.
!LUV
@phoenixwren(1/1) gave you LUV.
H-E tools | connect | <><
Thank you. I feel like it's kind of expected for you to continue functioning as it nothing has happened, though. Especially when you're not the direct relation, so you're expected to hold everything together. It's one of those "stop the world I want to get off" periods of time.
Fingers crossed on the tree. I still need to finish the rest of the pruning as well, ready for next season.
Psh. That's our modern capitalist/Protestant work ethic society, and not at ALL what it would have been back in the day, and isn't realistic in terms of how humans actually feel and function. You're close to who you're close to and what degree of relation or not makes no difference as to how their absence makes you feel. People need grieving time for friends even though there's no direct relation. Don't feel obligated to do more than necessary. Take your time and feel your feelings. The work will still be there when you get back on. <3
Also down to the attitude of the family, if you know what I mean. A certain someone has to be the most important in the situation and I'm just trying to help hubby through dealing with the paperwork side and that someone.
Interestingly I was having a conversation with someone recently about how we deal with death in the western world by shutting it away. It was along another vein, but his descriptions of how the Filipinos do it certainly opens it up for everyone to be a part of the grieving process.
Oh, for sure. Every family has their own way too.
When my grandmother passed away - one of the few family members who I think actually loved me, there aren't many - we were at her funeral service and I was crying and my aunt turned around and said "I thought I would be the only one crying."
I genuinely was like, what??!
Seven children and many grandchildren and you thought you were going to be the only one crying. Hooooooooookay.
I didn't say anything about it, but my mind is still blown to this day.
Not sure I'll ever really understand people... or families for that matter.
Notice many "new users" on Hive? Not many, like this place is a disease. No outside communities bringing in new comers. No other sites having many links or no links to any articles from Hive on sites that show professional interests they view as noteworthy to a profession or hobby. Hive articeles are rare on reddit.com. Wouldnt people post on reddit.com with links to their articles attracting their own new following and groups? No crypto forums acknowledge Hive exists as a place to be either. Ever seen a person asking for support show a way to give support with HIVE listed as a supporting wallet address? Is there a world address on Hive for countries made more unfortunate because of Hive? Would a large Hive holder or large earner of Hive donate a LARGE amount of Hive to help support Ukraine? What? Support something thing that could attract unwanted media attention? Nothing to see here......I dont get out much though.
People are hiding exposure to Hive. People either play dumb, could be scared or intimidated, mislead or dont beilieve it. Maybe just not electronically cultured enough to know. Who knows. Its mostly fake with fake attention paid for by people with ill intentions as many do gloating in their own groups special mindset. Such a small town here to support this kind of high pay. Who is buying Hive tokens with no notable new user base coming in? People trying to buy this place as a grooming ground on the sly. Articles that arent in the interests of their own goals and views dont get much attention. I dont see many high paid articles I would put on a real news sites or link to as noteworthy. Be part of one of their groups and they groom you. They buy comment and article writers in ways that keep their lies hidden. Here to take our FREEDOMS completely in treason as the sacks of shit they are.
Most interest groups and businesses have discord rooms on the side because they wont talk here or more able to teach views there to shill out of public view. They can do odd stuff to you in discord rooms they cant do here. I’ve seen people get mugged and shaken down in discords, be careful while visiting new discords, even if they are a business. They shut down the discord room along with all of the evidence of their crimes the group around @fyrstikken and his discord server @steemspeak. They also hide behind skirts there while on the creep like they do in the new ones they are in.
The operators doing V2K with remote neural monitoring want me to believe this lady @battleaxe is an operator. She is involved in the same discord groups around @fyrstikken and friends. Her discord is Battleaxe#1003. Shes in some groups with seemingly detached characters that dont even acknowledge the others in the group, looking oddly staged. She starts projects and does nothing with it or the delegations after its used to sway people. Like @steempowertwins does<------fake along with her @teamgood <------fake. No substance in her comments and has a following that adores her for what? Life coach she is not nor is she insightful with any meaningful skills to follow. Ruler of pixie dust maybe? I would like for someone to show me but probably wont out fear maybe? @fyrstikken groups around him down voted me into censored and not viewable on my accounts as soon I told what they were doing.
I cant prove @battleaxe is the one directly doing the V2K and RNM. Doing it requires more than one person at the least. It cant be done alone. She cant prove she is not one of the ones doing V2K because she cant and could care less. I guarantee she knows this is going around and still wont prove it because she cant. Many of us here can prove what they have been doing to survive the past 5 years. What does she live off of? It definitely isnt in public view here.
I was drugged in my home covertly, it ended badly. They have been trying to kill me using RNM with applied V2K mental games while revealing as many accessories to the crime as they can. I bet nobody does anything at all. Ask @battleaxe to prove it. I bet she wont. Pretty serious accusations to just blow off and leave the crypto community hanging in fear of this danger.
They want me to believe the V2K and RNM in me is being broadcast from her location. And what the fuck is "HOMELAND SECURITY" doing about this shit? I think stumbling over their own dicks maybe? Just like they did and are doing with the Havana Syndrome. They should start by looking at the communications between the top witnesses of Hive and the connection to @fyrstikken groups. Google his fucking name and see where his other interests lie around at least once maybe? The connections between @fyrstikken groups and all the exchanges built for Hive? Bet that would reveal some crazy ball less nutty shit. Homeland security should start preparing for their own incarcerations seeing how sloppy this was done. Patriot act my ass. Think we are really fools? Bad position your not getting out of. Dont be last to blow the whistle. Who will protect you?
People in and around @fyrstikkens groups are reckless and should have shown the proper media what they had before taking me hostage for 5 long torturing years and counting. That is a long time to wait for someone to die.
What would you say while having a gun pointed at your head from an undisclosed location? Have people find it? My hands are tied while they play like children with a gun to my head. Its a terrorist act on American soil while some yawn and say its not real or Im a mental case. Many know its real. This is an ignored detrimental to humanity domestic threat. Ask informed soldiers in the American military what their oath is and why nothing is being done. Nobody has I guess. Maybe someone told ill informed soldiers they cant protect America from military leaders in control that have ill intent. How do we protect locked up soldiers prevented from telling the truth from being treated as criminals? Not to mention civilians we let our leaders treat the same way. https://ecency.com/fyrstikken/@fairandbalanced/i-am-the-only-motherfucker-on-the-internet-pointing-to-a-direct-source-for-voice-to-skull-electronic-terrorism-terrorism
Notice many "new users" on Hive? Not many, like this place is a disease. No outside communities bringing in new comers. No other sites having many links or no links to any articles from Hive on sites that show professional interests they view as noteworthy to a profession or hobby. Hive articeles are rare on reddit.com. Wouldnt people post on reddit.com with links to their articles attracting their own new following and groups? No crypto forums acknowledge Hive exists as a place to be either. Ever seen a person asking for support show a way to give support with HIVE listed as a supporting wallet address? Is there a world address on Hive for countries made more unfortunate because of Hive? Would a large Hive holder or large earner of Hive donate a LARGE amount of Hive to help support Ukraine? What? Support something thing that could attract unwanted media attention? Nothing to see here......I dont get out much though.
People are hiding exposure to Hive. People either play dumb, could be scared or intimidated, mislead or dont beilieve it. Maybe just not electronically cultured enough to know. Who knows. Its mostly fake with fake attention paid for by people with ill intentions as many do gloating in their own groups special mindset. Such a small town here to support this kind of high pay. Who is buying Hive tokens with no notable new user base coming in? People trying to buy this place as a grooming ground on the sly. Articles that arent in the interests of their own goals and views dont get much attention. I dont see many high paid articles I would put on a real news sites or link to as noteworthy. Be part of one of their groups and they groom you. They buy comment and article writers in ways that keep their lies hidden. Here to take our FREEDOMS completely in treason as the sacks of shit they are.
Most interest groups and businesses have discord rooms on the side because they wont talk here or more able to teach views there to shill out of public view. They can do odd stuff to you in discord rooms they cant do here. I’ve seen people get mugged and shaken down in discords, be careful while visiting new discords, even if they are a business. They shut down the discord room along with all of the evidence of their crimes the group around @fyrstikken and his discord server @steemspeak. They also hide behind skirts there while on the creep like they do in the new ones they are in.
The operators doing V2K with remote neural monitoring want me to believe this lady @battleaxe is an operator. She is involved in the same discord groups around @fyrstikken and friends. Her discord is Battleaxe#1003. Shes in some groups with seemingly detached characters that dont even acknowledge the others in the group, looking oddly staged. She starts projects and does nothing with it or the delegations after its used to sway people. Like @steempowertwins does<------fake along with her @teamgood <------fake. No substance in her comments and has a following that adores her for what? Life coach she is not nor is she insightful with any meaningful skills to follow. Ruler of pixie dust maybe? I would like for someone to show me but probably wont out fear maybe? @fyrstikken groups around him down voted me into censored and not viewable on my accounts as soon I told what they were doing.
I cant prove @battleaxe is the one directly doing the V2K and RNM. Doing it requires more than one person at the least. It cant be done alone. She cant prove she is not one of the ones doing V2K because she cant and could care less. I guarantee she knows this is going around and still wont prove it because she cant. Many of us here can prove what they have been doing to survive the past 5 years. What does she live off of? It definitely isnt in public view here.
I was drugged in my home covertly, it ended badly. They have been trying to kill me using RNM with applied V2K mental games while revealing as many accessories to the crime as they can. I bet nobody does anything at all. Ask @battleaxe to prove it. I bet she wont. Pretty serious accusations to just blow off and leave the crypto community hanging in fear of this danger.
They want me to believe the V2K and RNM in me is being broadcast from her location. And what the fuck is "HOMELAND SECURITY" doing about this shit? I think stumbling over their own dicks maybe? Just like they did and are doing with the Havana Syndrome. They should start by looking at the communications between the top witnesses of Hive and the connection to @fyrstikken groups. Google his fucking name and see where his other interests lie around at least once maybe? The connections between @fyrstikken groups and all the exchanges built for Hive? Bet that would reveal some crazy ball less nutty shit. Homeland security should start preparing for their own incarcerations seeing how sloppy this was done. Patriot act my ass. Think we are really fools? Bad position your not getting out of. Dont be last to blow the whistle. Who will protect you?
People in and around @fyrstikkens groups are reckless and should have shown the proper media what they had before taking me hostage for 5 long torturing years and counting. That is a long time to wait for someone to die.
What would you say while having a gun pointed at your head from an undisclosed location? Have people find it? My hands are tied while they play like children with a gun to my head. Its a terrorist act on American soil while some yawn and say its not real or Im a mental case. Many know its real. This is an ignored detrimental to humanity domestic threat. Ask informed soldiers in the American military what their oath is and why nothing is being done. Nobody has I guess. Maybe someone told ill informed soldiers they cant protect America from military leaders in control that have ill intent. How do we protect locked up soldiers prevented from telling the truth from being treated as criminals? Not to mention civilians we let our leaders treat the same way. https://ecency.com/fyrstikken/@fairandbalanced/i-am-the-only-motherfucker-on-the-internet-pointing-to-a-direct-source-for-voice-to-skull-electronic-terrorism-terrorism
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