History is like a boxing match.

In this world, even the greatest fall. One by one the enemies are defeated like the henchmen in a video game. Yet the final enemy stands undefeated. Ghangis Khan conquered much of Asia and China but he fell at the enemy of death. Alexander conquered the known world of his time but he could not conquer the enemy of death.

I have not conquered nations or cities, but I can say I have lived every moment of my life to the full. As a new kid in a new school, life is challenging. I had moved schools 6 times already and now entered what was considered a “nice” school. A boy named Todd Harrington met me on the first day of school and told me rather confidently,

“We have to fight.”

This was quite unexpected. He didn’t even introduce himself. I guess it was the tradition to do this sort of thing to the new kids in school. He was rather scrawny and the freckles and curly hair gave him a kind of hillbilly look. I wasn’t sure I wanted to get in a fight with this kid on the first day of a new school. I was working a paper route each morning at 5:30 and was pretty tired by the end of the day. I would much rather just go home.

I told him,

“I have an eye doctor appointment.”

He said,

“Tomorrow.”

And just like he promised, the next day we met after school. There was no way out of this. Half the kids in our grade along with other kids were waiting at the back door of the school. They were smart enough to know that you don’t fight in school. The whole crowd moved to an alley a couple blocks away.

There were no rules, just the words,

“Fight, fight, fight!!”

I didn’t want to fight this kid but he swung at me first. Fighting is instinctive to a kid who grows up with five brothers. I came back with two swings to his face and one to his stomach and soon the kid was on the ground covering his face.

I won the first fight of my life. That day I walked home with a group of kids who wanted to be with the winner. I felt like the top of the world until the next day at school.

Another kid named Don Jasper came up to me and said,

“You have to fight me now.”

They were just trying to size me out. This kid was a lot bigger and the thought of meeting Don after school made my stomach churn. At the end of the day we were in the same alley I met the day before. This time there was an even larger crowd of kids. They were screaming the same thing,

“Fight! Fight! Fight!”

This time it didn’t take long for the kid to pull a one two combinations and wail on my face. All I could do was to put up my guard and try to move out of the way.

He was so lanky it was hard to get anything but his fists and occasionally his shoes. My nose was already bleeding and a couple more punches there might have caused some brain injuries. Since half the kids in school were there my older brother was also there.

He decided this was enough and he stepped in with one punch to the kid’s stomach. The kid was knocked down. But then a high school kid was there and he took a swing at my brother’s nose. Now we both went home with bloody noses.

A little old lady cried out…

“What are you kids doing?”

The kids scattered in all directions. This time another small crowd gathered around me as I walked home. These were the girls in my neighborhood.

They kept asking me and my brother,

“Are you okay. That was a cruel thing he did to you.”

This was the sympathy crowd. I was glad they were there. I remember one named Kristen who was worried about me fainting. She left me rest on her shoulder. For a middle school kid this was everything. I was a hero for losing.

My brother and I were filthy with blood dripping. My mom told us to wash up. My Dad wanted to visit Don’s house. He said it is better to talk things out. We did come there and talk with Don. Don was happy I came. We made up really fast. We never did finish that fight. He was a strong and fast kid. We became best friends for all of middle school and the first year of high school.

The fight was not the win but the friendship was the win. Together we would get in a lot of trouble and also get out of trouble. I still talk to Don. After high school he started working with cars and opened his own business.

He is now married and has a daughter and a son. Basically, we are friends for life. If I visit my hometown he will welcome me and make sure I have a place to stay.

The Punchline

This is the true victory. It is the victory of winning one friend. Although I lost the physical fight I made one friend. I learned the hard way, but I learned early how to win. In the world of competition and outward appearances it seems that those who take every advantage to beat out the competition will win. They might win the immediate battle but in the end they have nothing. The problem is not much is credited to winning one friend. What good will all that winning do if you don't even have one true friend?

For a year after graduation from college I worked in the Cancer research center in molecular genetics. It was kind of my dream job at the time. I was actually doing "meaningful" research. Our lab isolated a tumor suppressor on one protein. Everyone was excited that we published in nature but when it came time to renew our NIH grant we were rejected and when it came time for the head of the lab to get tenure he was rejected.

At that time I went to other labs in the building and talked to the professors. It was 1998 and one professor told me to go to California. I told him I couldn't stand the thought of being apart from my friends and family.

He said,

“Get a VCR. That's my best friend.”

I really shouldn't concern myself about what he does with free hand, but this was about the worse advice I have ever heard in my life. He would be better off telling me to make new friends or consoling me that I could call my friends from time to time.

I knew there was more to life than science and medicine and a job and a VCR. I just needed some time to figure it out. I left my life in America on pause and came to Korea. At that time Korea owed money to IMF and a lot of companies struggled but there was always room for English teachers. I started teaching English and making friends with Korean people since 1998.

Sometimes it is very difficult to understand. Back when I went to school there was no way to learn to Korea. I learned the hard way, on the street. So many things were the opposite of the way that I had learned or understood but this was the normal way here in Korea.

For example, if a guest comes to our house in America we offer them a drink. If the guest refuses then we don’t bother them. It’s over. But in Korea it is mandatory to ask the guest three times if they want to have a drink. The first time they refuse is out of politeness. Then out of politeness the host asks them again. The same goes for offering food or offering seconds. In fact, you will be offered third helpings and it is hard to refuse.

Invictus Life

Every day was a boxing match to understand the language and culture of this country. I thought I was doing pretty good because I could order a bowl of rice and take a taxi but I was a million miles away from really understanding Korea. If you asked me two years before if I would ever get married I would say no, but it made so much sense at the time.

I never met a person so innocent and naïve as the graduate student who helped me with teaching. I wondered how she could be so humble and happy. Spending time with her after school I found she not only held to strong beliefs but she followed what she believed. I have seen thousands but never meet anyone so faithful and true.

It was more than fun… it was a lifetime experience to understand and know each other. I was from an Italian American neighborhood in Chicago and she was from a countryside village in Korea. This would be impossible without grace of humility and love.

This love is the key to true invictus life. The life of one victory after another doesn’t come by our fighting strategy or even our training. It comes from patience, understanding and forgiving. In one word the Invictus life comes from friendships that endure even through tough times.

I hope for each of us to experience one victory after another even if it seems you are losing the immediate fight you may win one friend.

We still face the last enemy and only one man I know has faced this enemy and returned. The best we can do in enjoy every moment of this short life time with thanksgiving cherishing the ones around us. This love is enough to keep the enemy from taking a foothold.

All drawings used in this article were based on the simple drawing of a boxing glove sketched on Paint 3-D.

I used mostly marker and ink pen to create the drawing. The shape is based on a glove design I saw in shutterstock.com

I made my drawing more simple but with just as much punch.

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