Apples
Yooohooo! I have arrived and I have apples!
A voice resembling an Ostrich being soundly ridden by a bear carried through the house.
I looked up from where I sat at the table in the garden and frowned. What the fuck was that? And apples? Who the fuck likes apples?
Not for the first time I thought how lucky visitors were that this wasn't Wisconsin and I wasn't sitting on my stoop licking the barrel of my AR-35 and dreaming of man-sized pigeons.
Oh that will be Olette! She's bringing apples from her orchard!
The Good Lady squawked with delight.
I stared at her, my mouth twisting upward in disgust.
Her fucking orchard? How middle class could you fucking get? We had two apple trees in my garden and you didn't see me going around threatening people with their fruits and boasting that I had an orchard.
What do you mean, her orchard? I thought she was a goth?
Everyone knew that goths couldn't abide fruit. Or sunlight.
Speaking of which is was sort of sunny today? It couldn't be Olette then, she was practically the Queen of the Damned when it came to sunlight.
There you are!
Beamed the Good Lady.
Fuck, it was Olette. She wafted in through our kitchen and out into the garden with a witchy swish. Her raven black hair had bits of orange and purple running through it and on top of her normal ridiculous funeral get up she wore a hat with a brim so wide I was tempted to buy some tacos from her.
And what in the name of black shit was that on her arm? A basket? Oh fuck, it was and it was chock full of apples too.
Didn't she get the memo? No one wants apples randomly turning up at their door.
Good afternoon Olette.
I said, forcing a smile.
And it was forced, I hadn't forgotten that time she had touched my shoulder.
Olette looked at me disapprovingly before hugging the Good Lady and passing her basket of apples over.
I thought we could make my famous apple cider cake!
She skrawked like a raven on a roof which had just spied an old person drop some ham.
Oh that would be fabby, I love that cake!
The Good Lady practically vibrated with apple joy.
And what about you, will you try my amazing apple cider cake?
Olette leered at me as if I were something small and rodent-like she could eat.
I am quite sure you know that I hate apples.
I replied loftily, turning back to my phone where I had been watching an endless scroll of YouTube shorts.
Yes, we all know you don't like apples but you haven't tasted mine...
As she spoke, the sun, which had been flirting with us all day went behind a massive black cloud. The decking became cold and dim and for the briefest of moments, I saw Olette exposed in her true hag-like form.
In my mind's eye, I saw myself tied to a black iron altar with a screeching Olette hovering above me on ragged leathery wings as she reached down to stuff apples into every part of me. Even the parts that are generally one-way.
Are you sure you won't try a bit, I don't want to make you...
Olette chuckled darkly and the Good Lady joined in.
I looked at them both in horror.
Nobody likes apples. This was evil pure and simple.
I closed my eyes and once more I saw Olette cackle madly as she jammed apples up my dark growler.
Well, maybe I will try a bit.
Olette knows the way she used to make you eat the apples, even when it wasn't your intention to do so, i hope you enjoy it?
Time will tell if I survive the experience :OD
Please, survive it, you are more precious and powerful than Olette and her apples, so they shouldn't win 🥰🙏
You are right, I can outlast an apple! :OD
Yes, that's it, i like the energy, continue to have a good time 🥰🙏
It's my main mission in life!
Sounds good, l like it when people keep happy mindset, thank you 🥰🙏
I do too. It's the best way to stay chilled
Yes, you are right, I am doing same as well, cheers 🥰🙏
The summer was so shit that our apples suck this year, are full of skin bubbles and are small. They should be big fuckers by latish September.
Don't they burn in the sun like Vamps?
Ours were tiny and still are. You mean there is still a chance for them?
I always believed that goths couldn't go out in daylight 🤣🤣
Olette know you hate Apples but I’m sure he wants you to try it for some reasons
You may even love the experience
And why don’t you like Apples? Sounds weird, lol
Isn't it weirder to like apples? Lol 🤣🤣
Hehe
One Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Yes indeed they do say!
Everyone likes to eat apples but some except one. ....awesome story
Thank you, I like to think nobody likes them 😀😀
Olette knows you don't like apples, but she also knows you can't resist them. How was it? do you like it?
Not had it yet 😀 she knows I hate them. I can think of nothing worse!
I thought you tasted it a bit already 😀. Let us know if you did 😁
Ha, not yet. Later this afternoon I believe it will be ready!
Be on the lookout. Sounds a bit like Snow White and the witch with her basket of apples...oh did you say cake??😀😀
Cake! Cider cake no less. I mean, I do hate apple's but I'm willing to give it a go. Witchery or no! 🤣🤣
I've never had it so do let us know how it is as it sounds delicious. Hoping you don't sprout a witchery wart after eating the cake lol.
It smells lovely. Not tried it yet, as long as there are no warts or bizarre nose growths I will be happy!!
Who doesn't like apples? We plan to go to an orchard today and buy some along with a pie 😂😅
I would love someone to bring a basket kf apples to my door. Though I might reconsder if they were brought by a witch
Lol. Everybody likes them except for me. I feel like a leper!!
I ask willing to try a cider cake though. You never know 😀😀
Yeah, you're the first person I've heard of that doesn't like them. No judgement there, just saying. I'm literally eating one now as I type this lol
Ew, you're filthy one. Next you will be saying you like bananas!
Omg, now he has something against bananas. You sir, are wreckless.
I have such a phobia of them that I earned twenty bucks by eating one for a dare. It was awful, I almost didn't make it!
You are an odd duck. And I mean that with the utmost respect and admiration.
Haha, I totally am!
There you go... off visiting the fancy orchards..
Guilty. I literally just got back from buying 5lbs of apples for $20 😂 and a rhubarb custard pie
Rhubarb custard pie. So you're a glutton for punishment.
It was delicious. You don't like rhubarb?
Nope.. not even in strawberry rhubarb pie..
Fair. It's not for everyone I suppose.
You show dem apples who's boss, @meesterboom!
They are getting it! 🤣
I have a confession to make... If apples are in an apple pie I eat them.
And even if they are in this damned bundle...
It's made with apples and custard, I had it in the cafeteria at the time, it's a frozen product but of high quality...and still today I certainly do for the bars of the city.
Damn apples!
Yikes!!
My confession is that I don't mind applies but as soon as they are cooked they make me feel sick!!
Or like the feeling that the problem wasn't the apples but Olette eh eh!
That's called deep thinking!!!
Well... there you are !
You made a fun story out of the apple delivery. I was wondering how you would resist tasting some cake... and then you fessed up, maybe just a bit.
Yeah, I mean you can't really refuse to try cake in any circumstance!! 😀😀
NO ! You can't !
I just have and it was quite nice apart from the bit that had cooked apples! 🤣🤣
I love apple pie (sometimes if it is a good recipe) and apple cobber (although I like peach cobbler better) and I would taste apple cake if someone was presenting a new recipe, but I don't love hunks of fruit in cake, unless it's REAL fruitcake, but that is different. I don't like the feel of hunks of fruit in soft cake. bleck
Fancy Olette's taco huh? 😬
I am going things never get that desperate! 🤣🤣
Lol, yeah by your description that old witchy poo's taco is the last thing on earth someone would want to get close to.
I have always had a weakness for goth chicks but she is a goth too far!
Yes, I get it...added to that is apples of course...ye gods!
In her defense and it pains me to say it, she can bake a fine cake! 😀
She's redeemed herself, and as for apples...long shall they reign!
It's amazing how a cake can make all the difference.
Should always have one in a side holster for emergencies 😀
Indeed, concealed cake carry.
I can see it catching on!
Are you sure the offer of the apple wasn't metaphorical? Lol. There are so many incredible one-liners in this. You know, you could turn these stories into a comedy stage act. Or a podcast, "Uncle Boom's Storyland" or something like that.
A podcast would be fun!
It might have been metaphorical, that's even worse!! 😀
Greetings Snow White,
At least we know Snow White never saw it coming....you on the other hand are on to her...however, things could be darker than you think....maybe she is not quite done with you as you suggest.
Light is required and loads of it....Wishing you a sunny day! ^__^
Kind Regards to you and your good lady.
Bleujay
I am keeping all the blinds in the house open and the dark shall not thrive!!
Greetings milady! A good day to you! 😀
Excellent precaution Sir..... ^__^
..she wore a hat with a brim so wide I was tempted to buy some tacos from her.
That sounds kind of racist. 😆
Hopefully they were red apples.. Nobody wants Granny Smith in their anus.
It does a bit doesn't it!! Outrageous, I'm getting cancelled!
All red still minging!
Even if you get cancelled I'll still laugh. I love racists jokes.. enjoy this meme you stick and twisted racist bastard..
Malusdomesticaphobia me thinks..., apple allergy perhaps, gritty texture running through teeth, bits squeezed out tongue cutting or enamel stripper which one affects most?
Olette and Good Lady know...
!BEER
It's the mooshy cookedness I hate. Don't mind them raw! 😀
!LOLZ have a fun week!
You too madame!! 😀
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Olette and I have a phrase in common: if you taste my... I always say it with the things I harvest, don't get me wrong.
I like apples. And if she's a Goth 😂, maybe she's in another character now and that's respectable too.
Always enjoying your covers!
I was especially happy with that cover!!
I dread to think what else she might harvest! 😀😀
Bananas? LOL... no, I don't think so.
That would be witchcraft in Scotland!!
🤣 sure
Blimey! She put apples where? This is quite a unique genre of story, it's like a comedy horror, and dare I say it is there even a hint of erotica? I mean apples and dark growlers! And the way Olette vibrates with all that apple joy and teases us that we haven't experienced her particular apple taste, almost sounds seductive.
And even the image - this is all curious, bizarre and wonderful. I think the image is the perfect accompaniment to the writing.
This is a fantastic short story, or is this an excerpt from something longer? You have a unique style of story telling and a unique way of writing. Your mind is probably a bit dark which is great!
I must say the sound of apple cider cake also grabbed my attention, sounds delicious, does it exist?
The cake does indeed exist. In fact this story was an exaggerated/embellished excerpt of events that happened today. The cake was made and I mostly liked it!
I do love making the images to accompany the tales. Sometimes I get it very right and others... they just look nuts.
I think I am influenced my all the Gothic horror I read as a youth and of course the fact that I can be a right rude un thrown in 😀
Ha! I think the gothic horror influence is very evident. You say the story was an embellished version of something that happened to you earlier, I sincerely hope some of those things I read didn't actually happen!
I think you make the blend of horror and comedy work really well actually. Throw in some 'rudeness' as you call it and you have a great mix there.
Delighted to know the cake really does exist, I may have to get on that.
Thankfully make of the aforementioned events didn't happen. She just turned up with a basket of apples and carried through on a threat to make a cake 😀😀 she doesn't like me much though, that's where I get all the witchery from!
What do goths eat? I'd imagine it would have to be something raw and just dead, but maybe they are all vegans these days.
I don't mind an apple, possibly from my own orchard (2 trees). They are a pretty bland fruit though. I just never really got a taste for cider, but then I had a bad experience with scrumpy in my student days. Not sure how that works in a cake.
The only reason to have cooked apples is so you can have some custard.
You would think they would be carrion eaters but I suspect they are vegetarian at the very least!
I think we all had a bad scrumpy experience when a student, lol
Never thought of having custard with it, it was pretty nice except for the stewed apple bits in it!!
Custard makes a lot of things better. Mind you, the home made stuff my gran made was the best, especially if you got the 'skin' :) Having flashbacks now.
I'm having flashbacks now that you mention a skin!
When we were young it was always the powdered stuff. Now the good lady buys it in little cartons. Skin free!
Apples are good, but better in a pie, and best when turned to juice before fermentation.
Hard cider is a good witch's brew, I hope.
Aiyee, apple pie is my worst nightmare. The texture of the damn things, bleurgh.
However cider, I can cope with!
Washington State apple growers have varieties that don't turn to mush in a pie.
Really? That would work for me. I think every pie I have ever had is a horrible fibrous mush!
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This was a fun read. You went all disney on it at the start, and went a bit wild near the end haha. But not liking apples? You might be the only one I know who doesn't like apples. Did you choke on a piece when you were young?
I like to go a bit wild at the end of a tale!
I don't know what it is, I used to be able to eat them but sometime after my teens I just found them foul and everyone else in the world loves em!
Hopefully you didn't have to eat too much of it 😂 Nothing like people insisting you're going to love a food you can't stand
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It's weird how pushy done folk can get when it's a food that they like. I ate a bit and left out the skeggy apple bits 😀
Next time you see her coming, either hide or act too full!
I usually stick straight to hiding or running away!
Whatever works!
!PIZZA !ALIVE !LOL
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I make a pretty good apple pie that I think would change your mind about apples; instead of hating them you might only be mildly annoyed with them.
Becca 🌷
I can take mild annoyance, it is my default state with the world in general 😀😀
Mild annoyance or slightly miffed, there’s plenty in the world to justify these things…such as apples (that have not been made into cake).
Becca 🌷
Slightly miffed. Hehe, that is a very good term for me when I see apples cross my path 😀
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I like apples. I don't eat them very much as other people in the house love them much more than I do.
Apple cider cake? That's a new one. I remember liking apple cake more than apple pie.
How was it, did you survive?
I survived and I quite liked it actually! Apart from the smooshy apple bits on it the whole thing was like a weird drizzle cake!
Cake though, it's hard to go wrong! 😀😀
Yay for surviving and bonus for liking it XD If the smooshy bits were on the outside not the inside you could pick them off?
Yeah it was the inside bits that were the ones I had to cringe a bit at but the taste was awesome!
I like apples
Crazy talk! 😀😀
Your stories could be turned into sitcoms, Mr. Boom, you need to take up scriptwriting! You always have me cackling like a crazed hen in front of my pc😂😂😂
I think I would love it but then I would probably get stifled by the corporates!
Sadly so! They know how to kill creativity and destroy lives by relentlessly pushing boundaries!
They do indeed ruin everything!
Kind of funny...I actually made apple bread yesterday. Hey its that time of year 😀
Apple bread?! Jeez, is that like Banane bread but not as brown and lovely? :OD
Apple Cake + Apple Butter = Awesome.
A rough recipe is (go by taste, this is only a guide) :
Throw it all in a pot at low temp or a slow cooker until the apples are quite soft, then blend or max the lot - then eat!
I suppose they call it butter since that's the texture you are going for. I think of it more like the cinnamon in a cinnamon roll, only apple infused.
This sounds like an autumnal apple jam! I dont know if I could get that past my lips. It sounds the very epitome of the kind of apples I hate! Although I love cinammon and cloves and all that!
The neighbours have an apple tree and the apples fall into my garden. The dog eats them and then gets the shits. So I don't like these apple things either. One of our morning tasks is to clear the garden of apples so the kids don't get pink eye or river blindness whilst playing out the back.
I would be throwing them bastards back into their garden wrapped in the dog's shits! That would learn em. Although they would probably just think they had been invited by some manner of exotic fox :OD
Googles best ways to wrap an apple with excrement and use as a missile without getting excrement on oneself.
That's the important part. Not getting any blow!
My cousin saw her child with choclatey fingers the other day and had no tissue. She decided the best way to clean her childs fingers was to suck the chocolate off them. She found out after the first finger that it wasn't chocolate. 🤣
Never suck anyone's fingers. A rule of life that will keep you right 😃😃
Would you suck a toe?
Oh Jesus no. The very idea. I think I would barf!
Fear makes you do some crazy things. Even trying apples lol. How do guys attract all these weirdos in your life! ?
Have some !PIZZA instead!
I have a weirdo magnet. It seems to be very successful! 😀😀
LOL! A witchy old leathery winged she-bat shoving apples up asses??? Sounds like the resurrection of old Alba is afoot…Aulus will no doubt be shitting a brick somewhere in the underworld…all that hard work for nothing!
Beware the witchy witchery! It turns up in the most surprising of places! :OD
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