My Estranged Brother Turned 40 - Spending Time With Family

The oldest (Martin) of my two brothers, (both younger than I), turned 40 a few days ago. He came to visit my mom on his actual birthday (something he hadn't done since he turned 24 our autistic brother Markus informed us), he'll throw a birthday party next Saturday, back in Stockholm. And since I live close to my mom now (something I haven't done in over 20 years) it would have been strange (I suppose) not to come and see him at my mom's. But I can't say that it was something I was looking forward to, we don't have a good relationship. My youngest (autistic) brother was really looking forward though, he doesn't see Martin much.

It was a very intensive couple of days, even though it was just me, my two brothers, and our mom. It's kind of a full-time job to look after my autistic brother and you have to be very considerate around him. And of course it was extra delicate with Martin visiting.

I realize I don't share much about my family here on Hive. Even to write this makes me a bit uncomfortable. There's a lot I could say about my autistic brother, but it doesn't feel good to expose him like that. Let's just say that I have a lot of love for him and it saddens me that my other brother Martin doesn't really engage much with him. But he doesn't with anyone in the family. It has been like that for many years. But we were really close when we were younger (it's only 2 years between us). Anyway, he's family and it's hard to just cut contact completely. Even though years sometimes pass without us being in contact. And that was also during a time when we both lived in Stockholm...

For many years I grieved our broken relationship. I tried so many times to fix it. But I always felt like I was walking on eggshells around him, never knowing when I would say something that would cause him to have a strong reaction. The strenuous relationship we did have back then always came with a lot of conditions from his side. Conditions that I finally felt I couldn't accept. From my perspective, I didn't think they were fair at all. So it was better after all not to stay in touch.

This was already 10 years ago or something. I don't grieve anymore. I have accepted that he's not a part of my life. After all, it takes two to tango and when the other person doesn't make any effort it's just best to drop it. But it's just not me, he never calls my mom either. I guess the difference is that my mom sometimes calls him. At least a few times a year whereas I don't.

But when we do meet, like now to celebrate his birthday, we can talk, it's not like we fight or something. And some things we still agree on and can discuss. But we have really evolved in such different directions. Or that's how I have thought of it. But then Martin said something like:

You don't really change much, you stay the same throughout your life.

This was to say that he pretty much felt like the same person now, 40 years old, as he was 20 years ago. For myself, that couldn't be further from the truth. It made me realize that I have probably changed much more than he has. Most of my interests have changed, and also at least some of my values.

Many of the things that are important to me nowadays he doesn't only understand, he also doesn't respect them. He once told me that I was too smart to 'believe' in spirituality and even got really upset (my brother is a very convinced atheist). He also doesn't understand at all why I'm so interested in crypto.

I told him during his visit that one of my strongest values is freedom. He then said:

Freedom always comes at a cost for someone else. If you exercise your freedom, it means someone else is less free.

That made me realize that we have a very different understanding of the word freedom and what it means. But I don't have any interest in debating things with him. I told him that I have no interest in debating or trying to convince anyone anymore. That he had a hard time understanding.

After he had left yesterday I felt exhausted and quite low. It affects me after all, to spend time with him. My mom was also tired. She said that Martin has distanced himself so much from his family, he's like on the outside. She also said that she understands how I feel. You make such an effort and it's not valued, or not even seen.

I explained to Martin that Markus (our autistic brother) had been looking forward so much to seeing him. Martin said that's just because I'm a fantasy to him, he doesn't see me much. And that it would continue to be like that, he won't come and visit him more often. And I know that's his right of course, but it still makes me a bit sad.

Thanks for reading 🌸

Love and blessings to you all 💚