“ Choose your hard!”

There’s something about understanding mimetic theory that also makes me become more confident. It’s not just about how I feel comfortable with being myself but also about how I view things in the world.

I’d like to say that I spent most of my early twenties doing performative work where I’d talk about changing something and grand ideals of mine that only result in premature goals. I tried copying someone else’s workout or ways of eating only to end up not making any progress at all. I learned better that those ways don’t work for me. However, what truly snapped me was when I had won against my mind for the first time.

The first week of this journey was hell. I explained it the other week. Just for a rewind, I got so used to succumbing into the depressed chatter and the suicidal ideation and thoughts. But that one morning, after a series of great days of consistent workout and other good habits, it plagued me once more.

In the past, I would have just succumbed to it and spent the day rotting away. That morning, I decided to do things differently as I grew tired of where I was in life. I worked out despite how I felt. It was not the ideal workout that I did a few days before but I just did it. If you think the thoughts disappeared, they did not. It went on for several days but I kept pushing to workout and being consistent with what I am eating. Somehow, it all paid off eventually, I’ve lost 2 pounds and that’s when I felt like that was my first win and I got the reward from it.

“ I’ve failed enough in life and I’ve really got nothing loose.”

That’s what I wrote last week that motivated me to go through another week. I had more confidence battling against my own thoughts and its own mockery. I continued working out and would only take a break once.

The workout that I did is also fun although sometimes I felt like it was hard but I did anyway. During one of my workouts, I told myself that I am going to choose to really watch what I am eating rather than going through the workout. I mean, working out is fun but it’s not so much fun when you’re not too flexible.

Another weight today and I’ve lost 2 more pounds. In total I’ve lost 4 pounds these 2 weeks. It’s huge for me because I was having some sort of plateau and finally with working out and simplifying my food, I eventually lost the weight. I do not want to stop here, there’s still 76 days to go.

If you ask me, what after it? I am going to make another 90 days. just 90 days at a time. Adding one more new habit that benefits me in the long run and until I’ve reached all of my goals. Even if all of them are done, I am sure there are some more other goals to do, like maybe learning something in 90 days. When you think about it, 90 days is actually quite a bit of time, anything can happen within an hour, a minute, even a week. So, that is plenty of time to change.

There’s a shift in the way I am talking about this too. I don’t talk about things before it’s done. I am only talking about it after it’s done. In the past, this would have not been the case. That’s why I feel a lot prouder of myself.

If you ask me, what if you don’t lose anything in a week or become stagnant? That's okay too!

I weigh myself daily and sometimes they fluctuate. I am used to getting disappointed by now because some days, I worked out really hard but the scale said otherwise. The main thing is that in the end and in the grand scheme of things, I am not going back to the place where I first started. I really just want to win even more battles against my own thoughts. I don’t want to keep losing to it anymore and these are necessary steps through it all.