¿Una carta al cielo?

No sé si pueda ser capaz de escribirle una carta a través de esta plataforma o de alguna otra. Es muy doloroso para mí.

Me comunico con él a través de canciones. Durante todos estos años esa ha sido mi forma de verlo, de sentirle y hasta de escucharlo. Cada canción con la que logro esa conexión remueve un sin fin de sentimientos en mí, desde la profunda tristeza, la inmensa ira, hasta el más sensible amor.

¿Qué le diría? Que lo extraño, que me parece muy injusto, que le hayan cegado la vida, que nunca lo olvido, que le hablo a mis hijos de él, que de haberlo sabido habría aprovechado muchísimo el tiempo juntos, que le puse a mi hija mayor el nombre que le susurró a mi hermano mientras dormía, que quiero que me visite en sueños, que lo amo mucho.

Quiero más recuerdos:

La tecnología en aquel entonces no estaba tan alborotada como ahora, o estaba recién comenzando a volverse imparable. Lo cierto es que no tengo vídeos donde le pueda ver, y tengo pocas fotografías donde aparece. Tal vez si hubiesen existido los teléfonos inteligentes de ahora, tendría muchas, muchísimas fotos suyas.

Son pocas las veces en que mis hermanos, papá, y yo conversamos sobre él, porque el tema nos toca muy de cerca y a cada uno nos duele increíblemente. Quiero más recuerdos. Quiero que mi memoria no olvide nada, ni un poquito de todas nuestras anécdotas, hasta los momentos malos en los que como hermanos tontos peleábamos, quiero recordarlo todo. Sé que mientras lo recuerde no dejará de existir.

Definitivamente, escribir es una actividad que ayuda a drenar, a calmar la mente y alivia sentimientos. Esta publicación, más allá, de ser una participación para un concurso, es un homenaje a un ser humano que dejó bonitas huellas en mi vida. Todavía me cuesta comprender ciertos designios de Dios y algunas particularidades de la vida. Sin embargo, me reconforto en agradecer a Dios, por el tiempo en el que me dejó compartir con mi hermano mayor, habría querido más, pero acepto que así estaba escrito y me resigno. Mientras la vida sigue y sigo aprendiendo, prometo que le recordaré por siempre, siempre.

Esta fue mi participación para el concurso número 160, en Ladies Of Hive. Un homenaje a los que se fueron inesperadamente y que son amados y muy recordados.

Greetings, Ladies Of Hive friends.

The subject of death is a bit strong for me, although I understand and accept it as a natural part of life.

This week the contest brings a conversation that has caught my attention, although I do not like to talk about death, the topic proposed by the contest moved me feelings that, although more than 20 years have passed, are still alive in me.

In honor of a being that I loved and that I love very much, I will write this publication. Always in search of catharsis and cleansing exercises that help me to overcome and understand the strange bits that life has.

In the contest we are asked:

Do you know someone dear to your heart who passed away unexpectedly? In case he/she can read your letter from heaven, what would you like to say to him/her? You can express your feelings, emotions and everything you have been holding inside that you had not expressed before their passing.

For someone to pass away is simply painful, no matter if they are months old or over 90 or 100 years old. But for their death to occur unexpectedly by some accident, murder, malpractice, rapidly advancing disease, etc., will always be too shocking.

My older brother:

I don't remember how old I was when my parents told me I had an older brother, 5 years older than me, to be exact. What I do remember is that I loved him immediately. I loved playing with him, singing, reading, taking walks, dancing, planning pranks, laughing my head off, fighting, making up, cooking, getting up in the middle of the night to binge eat and more, much more, of those things that those who have siblings will understand.

From my mom and dad we are 4 siblings. My oldest brother came from a previous relationship with my dad, and formed, along with us, the combo of 5 children my dad had. The three older siblings were able to enjoy our older brother very, very much, while the youngest of the group, the youngest sibling, didn't have much time to share with him.

My brother lived in a city two hours away from ours, but whenever he could he would travel and visit us. Those were days of great excitement because the games and the hours of socializing became more fun.

The day he left:

One Mother's Day in 2003, my brother was standing on the sidewalk of the housing development where his mother lives and without knowing why some guys came running. One of them was running away from the other who was determined to shoot him. The one who was fleeing hid behind my brother, who received part of the bullets fired by the assassin. My brother died instantly and the one who sought to protect himself with his body received several impacts in his stomach. "A quarrel between delinquents" so read the headlines of a newspaper the next day. "A settling of scores" read the front page of another newspaper. For me it was the tearing of a part of my heart, a part that even though the years go by does not heal.

A letter to heaven?

I don't know if I might be able to write you a letter through this platform or some other. It is very painful for me.

I communicate with him through songs. For all these years that has been my way of seeing him, feeling him and even listening to him. Each song with which I achieve that connection stirs an endless number of feelings in me, from deep sadness, to immense anger, to the most sensitive love.

What would I tell him? That I miss him, that it seems very unfair to me, that his life has been blinded, that I never forget him, that I talk to my children about him, that if I had known I would have made the most of our time together, that I named my eldest daughter after the name he whispered in his dreams, that I want him to visit me in my dreams, that I love him very much.

I want more memories:

Technology back then was not as rambunctious as it is now, or was just starting to become unstoppable. The truth is that I have no videos where I can see him, and the few pictures I have of him are few. Maybe if there had been smart phones now, I would have many, many, many pictures of him.

There are few times when my siblings, dad, and I talk about him, because the subject touches us so closely and we each hurt incredibly. I want more memories. I want my memory to forget nothing, not even a little bit of all our anecdotes, even the bad times when like silly brothers we fought, I want to remember everything. I know that as long as I remember it will not cease to exist.

Definitely, writing is an activity that helps to drain, to calm the mind and relieve feelings. This publication, beyond being an entry for a contest, is a tribute to a human being who left beautiful traces in my life. I still find it difficult to understand certain designs of God and some particularities of life. However, I take comfort in thanking God for the time he let me share with my older brother, I would have wanted more, but I accept that this is how it was written and I resign myself. As life goes on and I continue to learn, I promise I will remember him forever, always.

This was my entry for contest number 160, in Ladies Of Hive. A tribute to those who left unexpectedly and are loved and well remembered.