The Painful Void in my Heart, LOH 160
My apologies for not posting lately, my emotions are still tender and my thoughts still often not coherent enough to write my typical post. Only, time and the Lord’s assurance can lessen the pain.
Thank you @jane1289 for this opportunity to share our experiences. The original contest post is here.
"Let not Death keep apart those that are still among the living." ~ Unknown
I was torn between a selfish wish and reality.
The ambulance lights illuminated the street, the flashing red continued to pulse as it pulled away.
On that late August night when I locked the front door, my thoughts roiled in turmoil, a pang of pain filled my heart as denial gave way to reality.
The door bolt slid over with a sense of finality.
The house is secure for the night.
One never turns this bolt knowing a family member has yet to return, my conscience unveils the truth that I was for so long unwilling to utter.
Deb wasn’t coming home.
My knees gave way, my head leaned against the door, and in an unguarded moment my throat and lungs began to spasm, my cheeks became damp with tears. It wasn’t long until my boys where hugging me in the foyer that night. We couldn’t sleep all night.
“I’m so sorry Deb, I couldn’t take away the pain, I did the best that I could!”
Since her cancer diagnosis I’ve made extraordinary efforts to be with her at all those medical appointments, diagnostics and treatments. Most importantly was to be by her side in the decisions pertaining to her battle for life. A warn hand to grasp, a partner in prayer, and a shoulder to weep on when things didn’t go our way.
The last eighteen months was taking a toll on my own health and I had to make the decision to go on medical leave earlier that month. I couldn’t focus on my Nurse’s night shift duties anyway with the anxiety and worry that in any moment she would need my help.
For well over these twenty years we were happy together as roommates, going beyond just friends but as family. She is always full of wisdom. We talked often on preparing for the inevitable. Updated our wills, talked about spiritual things, and advise on how I should handle things on my own from here on in.
Philippians 3:20-21
But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.
Philippians 1:21-23
For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.
By late October, days before Cancer claimed her life, she was feeling optimistic. Looking forward to a new glorified and incorruptible body she was ready and then her concern turned to me as we held hands.
John 11:25-26
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?”
“I want to believe! But why does this have to hurt so much?”
Deb understood that I had a history with deep depression and knew without a doubt as I will struggle with those same demons that now find a new weakness in my armor. Deb cautions me to use the tools and call a friend, and the doctor. Deb would say, “He knows Keran, he knows. I will wait for you and we’ll be together again.” ❤️
Having experienced the sudden loss of my father many years ago, and long conversations with Deb, I was still unprepared to deal with the intensity of the loss. It is hard to endure the painful void that is in my heart.
Goodbye Deb, until we see one another again.
I bet those mountains in heaven are beautiful more you imagined them to be.
And thank you for stopping by friends.
My pictures were shot with an ancient fossilizing Samsung SM-A530W. A new one will coming soon.
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@tipu 3 curate
Thank you @ninahaskin 🤗
My condolences for your loss. There is nothing in the world that can fill the void left by a loved one.
Thank you @luisdey
I already understand that drugs, alcohol and material things only offer brief relief, destructive and never healing and closure. But begin to fill that void with the lives and needs of those still around me. Deepening old ones, making new ones, and serving all.
And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ ~ Matt 25:40
You are right. Believing comforts the mind and soul.... The support of family and friends is essential. Religion can be a refuge in difficult times. Much, much strength
I know what it's like to feel that you're going to die, that you can't take one more puncture, even without remembering names and having people like you who have just suffered are lost, to see them cry, I'm a cancer survivor and I pray to God that I never come back.
I hug you tight, I'm in your shoes.
Thank you @janitzearratia
And I will pass the hugs on to other Cancer patients I meet as I currently a volunteer driver to get local Cancer patients to their medical appointments. ❤️
holding you tight is what I'm doing. Patients who have experienced cancer sometimes need to remember how we were before the treatment to never forget that we are not a disease but people who have lived or are living a disease and we need to integrate irreversible changes in the way of living and feel that transforms it and leads to a vital perspective, I do that now to help guide, to others at the foundation, I keep learning to trust me and to accompany the processes of others my beautiful friend 🌺
I am so sorry for your loss K. I wish you peace and comfort. If there's anything I Can do to help please let me know.
Thank you for the kind words of support @fat-elvis
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I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is... Cancer really sucks. How are you holding up?
Thank you for understanding @thebighigg
It's so difficult for me to write anything, my mind is in a constant fog, shortened attention span, my spelling and grammar is much worse and my right hand painful and stiff so I can't use the mouse very well, which means I'm off the search/scroll/click2nowhere intensive InLeo. 🦁
I heart is so sad for you. Being you roommate and all for such a long time...
xoxo
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Thank you @silversaver888
I am currently being a volunteer driver of another Cancer patient who has no reliable transportation. I still have a Class 4 license, medical professional, and already familiar with all the Cancer treatment centers. It is what Deb recommended to me. A reason to get up in the morning, making a difference to someone in need, an opportunity to make new friends and deepen older ones and joyfully do so in God's name.
Always, with love 🤗🌺❤️
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She will always be with you always. I know it’s tough as hell, but she would want you to be strong and take care of yourself. She is no longer in pain. Nothing can take away your memories Kerris nothing.
Thank you @silverd510
It's been a rough two years, I gave it my best and somewhat at the expense of my own health in the process. Deb wanted to make it to one more Christmas but it will not be the case. Christmas will be an emotional hurdle without her. I plan to use up my extended medical leave to recover the best I can and make up time with my boys.
Try to think of Deb as if she was a single leaf on the Tree of Life... It's true that she fell from the Tree, but the Tree is still Alive... Believe in the Tree...
Christmas will be tough, but a thoughtful analogy, Thank you @pocketechange 🎄
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know it must be really hard to let go of someone that means a lot to you. Always believe that she will always be on your side, from the other realm. Looking after you, smiling, and finally cancer-free.
Sending some !LUV to you.
Thank you for the kind words @ekavieka I am hoping I could hear what she is saying into my ears just much what she is saying to my heart.
I become emotional reading this. I can imagine your suffering and sacrifices taking care of her. You are a real friend. What I envy about you is that, you had a chance to be with her and talk with her which I didn't have before my father passed away. What was more painful was when I saw him dying through video call in the hospital.. I couldn't control my emotions that day even until now .. I felt useless and hopeless.. I saw how he struggled... I thought he would survive when his VS got back to normal after he got CPR which lasted for a long time. But the next moment, he's gone 😭😭. Do you know what makes me difficult to move on? When we found out that my father knew that he'd die, he didn't inform us about it.. We only learned about it after reading his notebook which is like a diary to him. Just imagine the sacrifices he made and how he dealt with his imminent death alone...😔
This explains your brief absence.
I can understand, and admire you in dealing with your own grief openly before our LOH and respective communities. That prompted me to dig deep in forging together this post, yet it is merely the tip of the mountain. Aside my fragmented thinking, I can only type with my left hand, my right hand is too painfully stiff to type or use the mouse effectively. That partly explains my inability to judge back in the beginning of October. I even gave my Substitute a 5k Delegation for 10 days. I'm not sure if I could fulfill my December slot.
Since Deb was initiated into hospice care it became hard to motivate myself to write let alone thinking about getting up out of bed, I just want to go back to sleep and avoid dealing with another overwhelming day.
Many years ago I lost my father in a freak hunting accident, though I had many months with Deb I again grossly under estimated the pain and intensity of our separation. We're very close. The urn you see is Deb, She and I will be interred together in a future date.
The response to this initiative has been amazing from our community, thank you for prompting me out of my shell and share my experience too.
Much ❤️🤗 to you @jane1289
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My questions are always life-related. And I am thankful to this community for allowing me to know other people's opinions and thoughts on my questions motivates me to continue...
Take some time to fully rest !LADY you truly need it.
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I'm so sorry for your loss! 😢
I hope it's comforting to know that although you're grieving now, the Lord will reunite you both one day, and then there will be eternal joy for both of you.
That's a hope for tomorrow even though it hurts for today, Thanks for the kind words @bulliontools
Sometimes, just a little bit of hope is what we need to keep going. My pleasure. I'm glad you shared, rather than completely internalizing all of your pain. I pray you'll find comfort through it all.
I remember when Liz was talking care of my Mother that had terminal cancer…….( because I couldn’t)
She lived with Liz, myself, and our three children till she passed………
The living struggle, we are still here dealing with the pain, and our loved ones are at peace…..❤️
With the passing of my Father I learned that the pain never completely passes away even after decades. With Deb I'd think I've come to already accept it but grossly underestimating the pain and intensity of our separation from one another. Thanks for the support @silverd510
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"Sae weel said Lass. Me heart gangs oot tae ye wi' aw o' th' crew. Thes will tak' time..." 💓 -Keptin
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it's a really hard thing to deal with don't feel pressure blogging and what not just check in with us and know that we are here for you ❤️
It's been hard to keep up appearances.
I've been losing my fine motor skills on my right hand and now it's become stiff and painful to type and operate my mouse. This means I'm off the buggy/intensivesearch/toooftenscroll/click2nowhere effort intensive InLeo front end besides, I don't post often enough to make signing up for premium worthwhile.
Maybe you can look into and eye Input based device
Kinsman is a local hardware adaptation company I am looking into. I'll have to get a medical referral to access their services.
Really hope you get it sorted ❤️
It is most difficult to move forward after the loss of a special loved one. You never stop missing them; time does dull the edges of the pain though. Occasionally, it still will slip in. I know you know she isn't hurting any longer. It is still hard.
Know @kerrislravenhill, that you are not alone. You have your community, both the church family you have and the Ladies of Hive family you have, plus the other communities who are aware of this time in your life. Take comfort in the peace and comfort the Lord offers. He is always there with you.
And of course, you have your communities as well. Take care my sister.🤗💜
Thanks @elizabethbit and thanks for the encouragement.
It took quite an effort and will on my part to write my last few posts and all the replies. Not easy anymore considering my current state of mind and the growing neurological issues with my right hand and arm. I'm not feeling confident if I could even fulfill my role as Judge this December.
I will keep you in my prays sis! Reach out for the comfort and peace that only Jesus offers.🤗💜😊
You are in the thoughts and prayers of many of us, and you are loved. ❤️
Thank you @thekittygirl
Until a week ago I had absolutely zero motivation to post anything until @jane1289 posed her questions. I managed to work out this post through all the brain fog and typing with my left hand. My right hand is not cooperating as of late, I've injured my right arm numerous times in my nursing career and has caught up to me. I hope 160 keeps me motivated enough to take on LOH 163.
It's good to know that I motivated you to write again... I guess you need physical therapy for your right arm. I'll do the same after my contract here. I damaged both arms due to excessive work and blogging. Massage isn't enough. Physical therapy is necessary to totally get better
@kerrislravenhill...
Sometimes... the right words aren't easy to find. So there's music. Nothing but love and healing energy your way, dear soul.
I listened to this at least three times.
Sometimes I wonder why Country have a lot in common with the Blues.
Thanks @wesphilbin for the lift. ❤️
Taking it one step at a time on a long road.
@kerrislravenhill...
Then I was able to do what I was wanting to do... Take your mind to perhaps a different place... Know that you are being thought of, and loved, dear soul...
Yes... one step at a time. On a road with many there to catch you... should you fall.
You are in my thoughts 🤗 sending you love and strength.
She will always be with you…
Thanks @littlebee4
I was hoping that she would jiggle my Rosary that is hanging off my computer monitor every now and then to let me know but I'm sure she's got more important things to do. I'll keep her urn until the day we will be buried together or when the Lord returns. ❤️
You are so welcome 🤗
Who knows… maybe one day.
That’s precious 🥰
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I went through it with my pops, praying for you!
Thany you @tbnfl4sun
I am saddened by your pain, losses take their toll. I know what you feel, I have lived it, but expressing it outwardly and sharing it helps to release sorrows, it is necessary and it is healthy. The Lord will strengthen your faith and temperance, along with your loved ones and loved ones.
Thank you @marilour
I have to get used to a much quieter home, even with Cancer her joy and optimism always made my home so worth while to come home to. What an amazing faith she had and a heaven to look forward to.
You're welcome, it's a pleasure to interact.
I understand you perfectly @kerrislravenhill. She was for you a vitamin friend. Vitamin friends transform our life and our conception of it, because they nourish it, strengthen it and enrich it, that is to say they give it value. They are very special, they are unique and also very necessary for all that they represent for us. Like you, I am very fortunate, because I have had and still have those special friends. Sometimes I think of a saying "Of the good little", could it be true? After thinking and rambling about it, I believe that we all have a purpose and a time to fulfill. We came here to be happy by transforming our existence, but also to touch and brighten the existence of others. I believe this is the essence of our genesis as social beings.
You had the joy of their kindness, of their good deeds, together and in synergy they transformed the lives of both of them and their surroundings. Therein lies the treasure found.
Until another time.
Health and well-being to you and yours
At moments like this I never have those comforting words that others seem to have. But I hope you get over it gradually as life continues.
Thank you @goldrooster I have a feeling it will be a long road.
I am very sorry from the bottom of my heart😭😭
Thank you @roxy00 ❤️
👍
There is only so much a person can do sis ❤️ and it is clear how close the 2 of you were and I am sure she looking down on you now smiling and thankful for all you done for her.
You are such a wonderful person @kerrislravenhill 💋
Loosing a "Sister" is never easy and when you lived together as you did, I understand it must feel empty and is a big change. I am so sorry for your loss ❤️❤️❤️
You need to give yourself time to heal and take care of YOU 💕
Hope your health issues gets better Soon, and know you are not alone.
Much love to You 🤗💋❤️🤗
Thank you @saffisara
We may be like an odd couple, but Deb was such an amazing gal, I was honored to read her Eulogy having learning much from her faith, joy and optimism all these years.
I will get a chance to rest after my turn judging on LOH 163.
❤️🤗
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God Bless You Light Worker, He knows you gave all of Yourself to Help Your Sister..............
!LUV
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The pain from losing someone so dear to us can't be explained, it is not always easy to get over it, the memories live on and with time we learn to move on. It's really not easy.
It's so touching how you had this long conversation with Deb, it must have taken away the fear of death and eased her pain getting prepared for her last breathe.
May she keep resting peacefully 🙏🏻.
Thanks for sharing your experience, it's a way to ease the fear and pain of someone at his/her last hour.
She expressed more of a concern for me than herself, understanding that I am really not as strong as I appear to be and that my weaknesses and insecurities may overwhelm me. I always relied and admired her wisdom and strength of character all these years but now I have to be on my own.
My sons and I miss her.
Thank you @winanda ❤️
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Oh wow! What a beautiful heart she had. Please be strong ma'am, God will strengthen you to keep moving on and be strong for your family.
Thanks @kerrislravenhill for the token ❤️
I understand perfectly what you feel, my mother died several years ago and I have not been able to get over her loss, they say that we must let go of these important people in our lives, and I must do it but it is complicated, I hope that life and time will help us you and me to let go of those who are gone.
A hug with much respect and affection.
It is a long process.
The mind may understand the inevitability but the heart cannot fully let go.
Thank you @lupega
This is heart wrenching. I'm so sorry Kerris. I wish there was something we could do but all we can do is share your sorrow. We don't know each other well but please know that you have friends all around the world if you ever need to talk.
Thank you @buggedout ,
This is why I am not able to post anything lately.
I am exhausted, burnt out, and grieving since September, unable to focus on writing except for short brief times, anxious, irritable and downright irrational at times. And to make things extra difficult, I've lost my fine motor skills in my right hand accompanied by pain and stiffness, so I can type with my left hand and I need both hands to operate my desktop mouse. And my sword juggling career is at an end. Possible diagnosis; Atypical Parkinson's.
Windows voice dictate sucks, looking for a better dictating software.
Don't stress about your post rate. We're not going anywhere so whatever works best for you, works for us too.
Unfortunately I don't know much about voice dictating software. I imagine that with the big advances in AI they will get a lot better pretty fast, but here's a recent review of a few that might be worth a look. Check it out HERE
Heartbreaking, but I am so happy to hear you have the assurance of a reunion in heaven! 😃
Until then, her remains stay with me until we are buried together or the Lord returns to take us, whatever comes first.
I'm sorry for your loss. Losing someone close to us is never easy, and I can imagine the pain you're going through. However, I believe that she is now in a better place, free from suffering and pain. Cancer is like a ticking time bomb that we can never predict. My mother was also diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, but she managed to undergo all the treatments and fought hard against it. Taking care of a cancer patient requires a lot of time and effort, so I can only imagine the sense of loss you feel after taking care of her for so long. 🙏
I am speechless reading this. The tears are in my eyes. It has been 7 years since I lost my father, still it feels like he is around. It feels like I hear him.
You have spent 20 years in a room with her. A companion who had been dear to your heart. Void would never be filled. Nothing can replace her. But we need to keep us composed for loved ones who are living.
The world is temporary and so are we. May God make us live together in the eternal life.
God bless you, sister
Thank you @amberkashif ❤️
💕