It All Went Down at the Whistling Fart ~ April Writing Madness, Day One!

 

The walls shook and the floorboards trembled as Jenny slammed the front door and stomped inside.

“I can’t believe that just happened!”

She sped down the hallway, her one instinct to fling herself upon the couch and huddle with a cushion, but tripped over her own feet and nearly fell flat on her arse. With a growl, she heaved her phone to the other side of the room and threw herself into the safety of the cushions. Burying her head into one particularly fluffy cushion, she muffled a great yell then released several deep breaths, trying in vain to control herself.

All she wanted was to cry, to leap to her feet and throw more things, but this wasn’t her house, these weren’t her belongings, and she couldn’t just chuck a tantrum; she wasn’t a child! After what she had just experienced though, an emotional outburst would be forgivable. Surely Joey would understand his aunt's vase being hurled through a window.

“You’re home from work early.”

Jenny peeked out from behind the cushion. Joey stood in the doorway, nonchalantly munching on an oversized beast of a banana. She crinkled her nose. Bananas were the worst of the fruit food group and were only edible when baked into bread or cakes, and even then she disliked them.

Joey raised an eyebrow and took another bite of the banana.

“I’m home early because I quit,” Jenny mumbled. “There was an incident. The worst incident.”

Joey’s eyes widened. He shovelled the last of the banana into his mouth and clapped his hands like an over-excited seal pup.

“An incident!” He exclaimed, his voice muffled by globs of mushed banana. “Do tell.”

He bounded over and squished himself onto the couch beside her and she crinkled her nose again as his banana breath assaulted her. Shuffling over to make more room for them both, she clutched the cushion against her chest, leant back, and closed her eyes. Just how was she supposed to begin the telling of this atrocity — of the worst ‘first day of work’ in history?

“Well?”

Jenny groaned.

“Be patient. I’m trying to think of the words.”

“Come on!” Joey bounced up and down like an eager puppy waiting for a treat. “You left for work two hours ago, excited to begin your first day, and now you’re back, and there was an ‘incident’, and I’m curious, and I need to know!”

Jenny groaned again. He was truly insufferable.

“Fine. I guess I’ll just start at the start.” She took a deep breath and slowly released it. “So, I arrived at the Divine Touch a good twenty minutes early. Sophie, the manager, she was nice enough to show me around again, this time introducing me to a few of the other ladies, and allowed me to get settled in the room I’d be working in. It was really nice. There were a lot of plants, soothing music, it was clean and tranquil. I felt at peace, ready to begin my day.”

“Sounds nice.”

“It was.” Jenny shivered. “But then I had my first client.”

“Was he fat? You didn’t want to massage a fat guy, right? Too many rolls?”

Jenny shot Joey a hot glare. He ignored it and simply smiled at her, flashing a cheeky dimple.

“He was not fat,” she snapped. “Mid-thirties, relatively lean, nice face. He was fine. At first.”

“At first?” Joey waggled his eyebrows, almost knowingly, as though he knew exactly were her story was leading. “Let me guess — he farted!”

“Joey!” Jenny’s hand flew to her mouth as she stifled a giggle. “No. He did not fart.”

“Well what’s the problem then? This entire thing sounds like a non-issue. What could be worse than getting a face full of fart from some dude you’re kneading?”

Jenny lowered her eyes and stared at the cushion she was holding.

“Well… uh, I finished the job. Or so I thought. He, uh, rolled over.” She clenched her eyes shut, nibbled at her lower lip, then swallowed. “He had a giant erection. I was expected to… to, finish him off. The Divine Touch is a happy ending parlour.”

Joey burst out laughing. He laughed so hard his face turned red and he struggled to breathe, and Jenny balled her hand into a fist and punched his shoulder, irritated as more gasps of laughter escaped him. How dare he find this situation so damned funny!

“Stop laughing!” she shrieked. “I ran out of that room and back home and didn’t even say anything to Sophie. Oh, God. She's going to give me a bad reference. Damn it!”

“It’s hilarious,” Joey cackled, rubbing at his shoulder. “Why the hell didn’t you ask about that in the interview? So many massage places do that! I’m sure that question comes up all the time and you could have avoided this whole thing.”

“I didn’t think to ask! I need to call Sophie and apologise, or something, I don’t know — I don’t know!”

“Jenny, do you really want to tell prospective employers that you worked for two hours at a happy ending parlour?”

“No.”

“Want to give me a massage?” Jenny glanced over at Joey. He smirked and waggled his eyebrows again. “My back is aching.”

“I’m sure it is.”

“So is my front.”

“Oh my God! I’m going to my room.” Jenny jumped off the couch and began to stalk away from the loungeroom and the irritating Joey. This was the worst first day of work in the history of first days of work and he had the gall to laugh and carry on like it was all a joke. The nerve! Before she could make it to her room, he grabbed her wrist and stopped her. “What?” she snapped.

“Forget the dick at the parlour.” Joey grinned, fully aware of his pun. “Come. Gotta go to Uncle Blair’s and get something for dinner tonight. Maybe some sausage.” He winked with another eyebrow waggle.

Jenny stared hard at Joey’s face and examined his mischievous brown eyes, still twinkling with mirth. He wasn’t going to forget what happened to her today and he was very likely going to keep making wise-cracks about it. It was going to take forever before this incident faded into the past.

“You’re never gonna let me forget this, are you?”

He shrugged.

“Fine. Whatever. I’ll come. But only if you buy me some muffins.”

Joey’s grin widened and he quickly ushered her outside, locking the door behind them.

It was just a short walk to Uncle Blair’s Wares, home of the nationally renowned Blair’s Bakery, and Jenny was eager to get her hands on some of the delectable muffins they sold. There were other bakery items available too, of course, but those muffins were to die for. If she had to eat only one food for the rest of her days, those muffins were her number one choice. Even the banana ones were acceptable.

Inwardly salivating, Jenny focussed on her future muffins and forced the Divine Touch, Sophie, and that first client far from her mind. There was only room for muffins, delicious muffins.

Jenny was firmly planted in her own little world when a truck zoomed around the corner with a great roar of its engine and nearly swept her off her feet. Luckily, Joey grabbed her arm and stabilised her as the truck squealed to a stop in front of the house next door: a shabby brick building with a broken window, a door off its hinges, a rickety fence that jutted every which way, and an overgrown lawn that likely housed several species of snakes and spiders.

“New neighbours!” Joey exclaimed. “No one has lived in that house for years.”

“Evidently,” Jenny muttered, casting a disdainful eye over the slovenly man that jumped out of the truck. He wore a dirty, holey singlet and truly looked as though he belonged in such a derelict house. She really didn’t want to live next door to such a creep. “Come on. My muffins are waiting.”

Joey shrugged and they continued on their way.

When they arrived at Uncle Blair’s, the lunch crowd was already hovering around the bakery and attached café and Jenny groaned. It was going to take forever to get her hands on some muffins. They’d better not be sold out by the time they were served.

“I’ll go grab some sausages and be right back,” said Joey with a wink, then raced away before Jenny could so much as roll her eyes.

He was probably going to bring back those extra thick ones, and he would have the biggest smile on his face as he showcased them to her. He would probably grip them suggestively before cooking them, too, and possibly lick one before eating it, right in front of her. He was a total dork.

The line moved slowly, one person at a time, and Jenny impatiently hopped from foot to foot as she waited, moved up one step, and waited some more. Joey was taking his time and she needed him here to pay for her muffins. She glanced over her shoulder to see if he was done choosing the most phallic of sausages yet then narrowed her eyes. He stood a few aisles over, clenching a paper deli bag, and was handing some money to — she paled — the man who unleashed his boner upon her at the Divine Touch.

She spun around before he could meet her eye and swallowed several times, her throat growing dryer and dryer by the moment. How did Joey know that man and why on earth was he giving him money? By instinct alone she moved up in line, waited, then moved up again. It was almost her turn.

A hand fell on her shoulder and she jumped as Joey appeared beside her.

“Got dinner,” he grinned, patting the paper bag.

“Why were you giving money to that man?” Jenny hissed.

Joey raised an eyebrow.

“What’s your problem? Darren does work on the house from time to time. Cash in hand.”

She clenched her eyes so tight she could see light patterns dancing in the darkness.

“You need to find someone else to work on the house. At least while I’m living there.”

“Why?”

“It doesn’t matter,” she snapped, and stared at the treats that lay beyond the counter. If she focussed on their glory, it would be okay — everything would be okay.

“Oh… ohhhh!” Joey glanced at the man, checking out the stock in one of the aisles, then looked back at Jenny. She could see him putting two and two together then almost died inside as he winked. “I seeeeee.”

“Oh, shut up.”

While Joey chuckled to himself, Jenny finally reached the front of the line and ordered a box of twelve assorted muffins. She was originally going to grab a box of six but Joey would pay for this continued torment he was inflicting upon her and he would pay with muffins! If he kept this up she would demand more muffins tomorrow, too. The girl behind the counter handed over the box with a smile and Joey paid as promised. At last. All was right in the world. For now.

Jenny hugged the box against her chest and they proceeded towards the registers to pay for Joey’s stupid sausages. He grinned at her again as they left, wiggling the paper bag back and forth in front of her, then waved at someone behind them. She went to look at who he was waving at but quickly stopped herself — it was probably Darren.

Ignoring Joey and whoever he was waving at, her eyes were drawn to a large, neatly typed notice that was sticky-taped to the door and she stepped closer to it to see what it said.
 

Positions available
Seeking Sales Assistants for immediate startNo experience requiredMust be well presentedHand resumes directly to Blair
 
The notice was short and to the point and with the midday sun-rays shining upon it, it was a sign delivered unto her from the heavens! All that was missing was the choir of angels singing from the clouds above. This was fated. If she hadn’t come here after her horrible morning, she would never have seen this advertisement and she would be left hunting for work elsewhere. Her hands tightened on the box of muffins as the possibilities screamed across her mind. Maybe she could work in the bakery — maybe she would get a free muffin every single day! Oh, it would be glorious.

“You’re not thinking of applying, are you?”

Jenny whipped away from the notice and stared at Joey’s suddenly concerned face.

“Of course I am!”

“I mean, I don’t want to burst your bubble, but Blair tends to hire… well, younger people. High-schoolers. And ones who look, well, really attractive.”

“Are you saying I’m not attractive?” She put a hand on her hip and glared. The box of muffins slipped from her other hand and her heart plummeted into her stomach. With lightning reflexes, she caught it. Thank the fates; that was a close one.

“I’m not saying that at all. You’re very pretty.” Joey rolled his eyes and waved a hand around the store. “Look.”

At each register stood a young man or woman, fresh out of school, and all of them were perfectly coiffed and beautiful enough to be featured on various television shows or magazines. She blinked. Why had she never noticed this before? It didn’t matter. She would apply anyway. She desperately needed a new job, she needed to get back on her feet, this year had been absolutely terrible and thankfully she had Joey to fall back on, but she couldn’t rely on his generosity forever. The worst that could happen was that Blair declined her application. At the very least she could try.

She looked Joey in the eye and smiled.

“I’m applying.”

“Okay. Sure. I advise not putting today’s 'work' on your resume though.”

He grinned, clutched the bag of sausages against his chest, and leapt to the side before she could whack him. That was probably a good thing. If she punched him, she would’ve lost her grip on the muffins again.

Hugging the muffin-box, she shot hot eye-daggers into the back of Joey’s head but lost her glare as he turned around and smiled, motioning for her to come, to follow him home. Her own smile went to bloom but she quickly hid it behind a scowl and a grudging roll of her eyes. He would not know that a small part of her was actually starting to find the whole thing amusing.

It was time to go home and devour muffins.

 

 
Helloooo! It's Day One of a sudden onset of Writing Madness -- a NaNoWriMo-inspired challenge that uses the daily #freewrite prompt to help create a full story within the confines of a mere month.

@mariannewest's prompt for today is -- yelling -- and Jenny sure did a lot of that at the start of this first chapter! xD

This is a very rough first draft of an upcoming book and will be tidied up and polished after this Month of Madness is finished. 😊 It might read like fast-paced-rushed-word-garbage at the moment, but it will be refined! (I over-edit like a madwoman.)

Title is a placeholder and will probably not be the final name of the book. 🤣 This story has nothing much to do with whistling but the local pub is called the Whistling Fart, things will go down there, and there will likely be a terrible amount of fart jokes. Because I'm uncultured and farts are funny. 🤷‍♀
 

Today's wordcount is 2,450 / 50,000

 

📝 A Quick Blurb 📚

Genre: immature adult comedy, reverse coming-of-age, apocalyptic silliness
Warning: irreverent, offensive humour

Jenny is a young lady in her mid-20's who finds herself out of work, out of home, and out of luck. An old friend from school has invited her to stay at his house until she gets back on her feet, but she just can't seem to land on them.

Every job opportunity she finds goes spectacularly wrong. The Great Fungus is spreading across the world and consuming all in its path. Then, to top it off, a solar flare renders electricity a thing of the past.

Faced with the end of the world as she knows it, Jenny has a choice. Will she embrace this apocalyptic madness... or will she, too, be consumed by the fungus?
 

 

Thank you for reading! 📚😊

See you tomorrow for Day Two! 📝🤓

 

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_{Header image is courtesy of Pixabay, and was manipulated using the Deep Dream Generator.}