living life was suffocating during this time, it has been a couple of years since my world collapsed. I've always wanted to blog this a long time ago, but every time I start to write, painful memories flashes back which stops me from sharing it, since I don't wanna feel the pain again, but while scrolling on my drafts and saw this, I thought it would be a waste to delete it. I mean, I put effort in uploading using my resource credit before why not post it and have something to look back in the future to laugh about. 😆

anyways, during this time my family business was down, I took verbal abuse everyday from my father's mouth saying I'm a useless daughter and that my career is shit and my artwork is ugly despite being sold out, and in addition I also lost my partner, I ran to my friends who turned their backs on me, no one on my side, I was left in the dark, and I wanted to die.

I remember walking to my moms room and breaking down infront of her saying i need to leave home because I can't breathe in the house, the place is so toxic that I felt like I'll go crazy and If I don't get out soon I'll kill myself. she cried hearing that from me and she agreed, I also told her not to worry about money because I can support myself. the image on the left side is me sitting in our porch, planning on what to do with with life, If I should stay in my aunt or If I live in davao or just end my life but decided to save it and go to davao.

I was planning to borrow my cousins car and just spend on fuel, but thankfully my uncle was going to davao, so I made a deal with him

While I was planning on leaving home, I already had a place to stay, I rented my old school mates apartment since she's about to stay in manila that time. The apartment costs 100 USD a month, If you ask me where I got my money for rent? I had a small business with a right amount of money going to my bank account and the value of one hive during this time was 80 pesos, so I powered down and had enough money to support myself, thankful to hive for existing.

I assumed that the apartment I rented was a japanese house which I asked the care taker and she said the owner was from japan, 😅 my guess was right, do you know whats scary? there was a hole in the ceiling in the bathroom and I thought sadako will come out 😭 but I got used to it and no one came out to peek.

some side stories while I moved was still getting an earful from my stupid father, I realized that I was slowly forming anxiety, my minds is so cloudy and afraid of almost everything I guess it was because of the depression too, looking back I feel so pathetic for having all those fear when in fact I was worth it, that I can do so much.

Side effects from having those anxiety was forgetting where I put my things... I didnt even remember where I put the only money I have because I got so drained mentally and physically that day, That I fell asleep. I woke up crying again, blaming myself why i lost the money, and figuring out where It might had fallen. The only money I had in my bag was 300 pesos left,

This was the only stuff I had, most of them are just art materials, my mom helped me pack these things, because when my uncle decided to leave it was actually the next day, every thing that I see in the room, I just shove it to a container to bring it,

_{arranged my stuff and put the canvases on the window side so I wont get peeked at by a ghost 😂}

my mom forgot to put utensils for me to use, I had to go to the mall and buy myself my own, so much for saving hahah

I was in a hurry that time too because I have to submit a painting for my exhibit, I'm so thankful for my friend who came to help me buy things needed to pack my things and also offered for the transportation in delivering a painting, it was very chaotic that time, I didn't care about cleaning the place yet, as I was focused on my finishing my art work.

I remember asking my neighbour if i can borrow a chair for a day and yet she didn't let me borrow instead she was a little feisty about me borrowing the chair, she could have just said no, instead she just showed gestures of anger to her cats that was laying in the chair, I didn't ask again. She must have thought " lilipat lipat walang gamit " kinda thing.

_{don't zoom and look at the lists please hahaha}

when my money was wired to my account I calculated everything what my needs inside the apartment from rent to food, to clothes and shoes. I also realized that it's so nice to buy something for myself and not spend it on a lover, like is this self love? addicting! hahaha

I was thankful for facebook market that time, it saves me the hassle transporting heavy materials going to my apartment, I ordered everything from table to cleopatra bed, to computer chair and refrigerator, the caretaker and the feisty neighbour was just looking at all the materials coming inside my room, take that neighbour! I ALREADY HAVE MY OWN CHAIR! hahah huhuhhu I swear she wasn't friendly to me, hmmph :T

from chaotic room to a clean room now~ you could say I was a little happy and enjoying my stay, but the crying every day, every night and nightmares didn't stop. It was an everyday battle for me, trying to survive the pain.

I'm thankful hard situations like this happened to me, because I realize a lot of things while being alone, It's not easy living life as an adult, but I'll try to survive.

if you made this far from reading my story, thank you I appreciate it.

you can judge me by saying

"if you have that much money, you could've just helped your family from financial problem"

I'm actually more worried about my mental health during this time and my family don't understand depression, and there's no way they can help me, they just made it worst, so I still care for myself that I had to let go and heal. Not everyone is strong emotionally, and I followed what my heart and minds wants at that time. the important thing was, I'm alive and still trying to survive the hellish world we're in.

THANK YOU FOR READING!