Insides In A Knot

Just like finding out that heart break is not figurative at all but an actual, physical ache where you clutch at your chest and wince in pain, the term, “your insides in a knot,” is also true in a very literal way. You feel your insides tighten in a way that becomes painful. There’s a twist and turn and tug in your tummy that remains insistent till whatever is causing you that angst fades away to the recesses of your mind.

I’ve been having a lot of those insides in a knot feeling recently. This year has been one of a kind for me. Even more one of a kind than COVID, and I thought those two years were the worst of my life. I wouldn’t call this year a bad year. It’s just been.... interesting, of sorts. For one, I’ve learnt more about myself than all my other years combined. Maybe it’s a turning a big age thing. But it’s like the mist that clouded the discovery of who I am as a person has begun to dissipate rapidly.

The second reason why this year has been in interesting is because I’ve felt diverse emotions, more than I’m used to. An influx of negative emotions all at once. An influx of positives all at once. A mixture of both in the most unsettling way. These days it has been on mostly an academic and personal level. I heard a rumour about one of the exams I’d written. And I had that feeling again. Like huge stones had been stuffed delicately into my intestines and then someone had knotted them together carelessly.

A very uncomfortable feeling indeed.

I had another of those feelings about a week ago when yet another person I knew on a personal level mysteriously passed away. This person is so close and has been more of a mentor, and I had that emotion settling in my insides for hours. I clutched at my mid-region trying to breathe.

After the twisting sensation in my tummy finally calms, from my observation, I’m exhausted. Weak in body but mostly in mind. Disoriented and confused. Losing sense of everything for a while. I had that final feeling a few days ago. I was going to confront someone and I hated it. Hated it so bad. I don’t know who else hates confrontations. Even when I know the other person is in the wrong and I’m simply stating how I feel so that my resentment fades away, I’m still so unsettled. Like one being led to a slaughterhouse.

This last time was one of those moments. I’d sent a message that I needed to have that conversation and though the person asked to be given thirty minutes and I consented, I was practically spiralling on the inside. The innards of my system feeling like it was on cartwheels. I got mad this time, however, and went out to the balcony of my dorm. I looked into the gloomy sky. Darkened by days of rainstorm on end, and I tried to breathe.

There was a calm wind that wafted around even with how angry the weather was, and I took advantage of it to take deep, long breaths. I’d read in a book that you could bring up everything you’re feeling inside. Anger, angst, resentment, sadness...basically whatever you want to get rid of. Take a long deep breath where every of those negativities you want to let go of settles in a whirling circle in your mind’s eye, and then slowly, intentionally, you expel them. One by one you release them out of your system and into the wind.

It felt like hogwash even as I braced myself to do it. But I was at that point where it felt like I was out of options. So, I did it, with mindfulness and intentionality. After expelling the last breath and invariably, the last of the angst I was feeling, I felt my insides calm. Like the final drizzles of rain being washed down in sand. Shortly afterwards, my phone rang. And I was stable enough to have that hard conversation.

I’m happy to have discovered this. And it may be silly but it did feel good to experience that level of calm. Do I think it will work for me at all times and in all areas? Maybe not. But I’m definitely willing to try. For the sake of my peace of mind, at least.

What do you think? Have you tried something like this before?

Jhymi🖤

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_{Image is mine.}

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