I'm So Embarrassed

I'm feeling a mix of sadness and relief today. Brenda, my sow, began her labor yesterday around 6 pm, and I stayed with her through the night, watching her endure the process. Her first piglet arrived this morning, and in her pain, she accidentally caused it to fall. Despite my efforts, I couldn't save it, and in my desperation, I buried it alive. It was a moment of profound helplessness and embarrassment at my inability to save the little one.

The second piglet was healthy, eagerly nursing from Brenda. However, the third and fourth were stillborn, which filled me with frustration and disappointment. I lashed out at Brenda, threatening her in my anger, blaming her for what felt like a failure on her part. My mother, whom I called in my distress, calmed me down, reminding me of patience and grace. Brenda’s subsequent piglets, from the fifth to the eleventh, were born alive and well. Despite my earlier outburst, Brenda forgave me, wagging her tail, which made me feel deeply ashamed.

Reflecting on this, I realized how quick I am to anger, harsh judgment, and a misguided sense of perfection. These moments revealed my character flaws—how I can be unforgiving and critical, even towards those I love. It's in times of stress that true character is revealed, and mine was not something I was proud of. Only through God's grace and mercy can I hope to live with myself and improve. As I approach my 30th birthday, I find myself reflecting deeply on these lessons. Despite my failings, I am being sustained and molded by the Almighty.

Brenda’s labor left me exhausted, especially since my brother Bryan, who usually manages the piglets, was away getting his medical certificate for college. My mother, who lives 25 minutes away by foot, couldn’t be there either, leaving me alone with my two young cousins. I’ve often been hard on my brother and mother for their mistakes, but today, I faced my own shortcomings and felt the sting of embarrassment. Though I know how to care for my sows, I panicked when it came to handling the piglets' umbilical cords, cutting them too short and fearing they might bleed to death.

Bryan wasn’t sure about the risks, and I was too scared to look it up online. Exhausted and upset, I realized people don’t make mistakes deliberately to upset others. I need to be more forgiving and lenient, understanding that everyone, including myself, can falter under pressure. It’s a harsh reminder that I can't always be in my top condition, and mistakes are part of life.

Despite my fatigue, I must check on the new piglet. This experience taught me the importance of patience, forgiveness, and recognizing our own imperfections. Today has been a humbling reminder that improvement is a continuous journey, and true character is revealed in how we handle our lowest moments.

Thank you for reading this far.

All photos are mine.
This post is edited for 500 words requirement. And so much emotions but embarrassment is the highlight.