Apocalyptic Homesteading (Day 632)

over 2 years ago

Hello Everyone!

Peak anxiousness, Successfully parsing loss, Empirical evidence rules, The bush is civilized & These damned rodents!

It is early in the morning once again and I awoke not all that long ago from one of the longest and deepest sleeps I have had in quite some time. Having just slept for the better part of twelve hours or more straight you would think that it might take me a bit to wake up fully but apparently that is not the case.

Of course I am still in that state where I feel like a part of my mind is halfway dreaming but even that seems to be fading faster than usual. Mayhaps it is the combination of this strong espresso and my mind seeking the clarity that is required to not 'get off the rails' and begin sliding towards feeling overly stressed like it has the last few days.

Hopefully I have reached the 'peak' of all that fretting/anxious behavior and can now begin to grapple with the realities of the scenario that I find myself in and nothing else. In other words I do not have any damn time for all that 'worry wart' horseshit and need to begin an extremely decisive series of thoughts (followed by actions) which will see me make it to wherever I need to be.

Something that has grown painfully clear to me over the course of the last few weeks is that I have to keep deliberately parsing out the loss that I feel in the current scenario from the previous losses that I have experienced over the last many years. Basically I have to not let it all be a big mess of squirrely emotions where I can neither distinguish 'the head from the tail' or in other words: Where one thing begins and another thing ends!

It is all too easy to lump unrelated memories, feelings and experiences in with those that I am currently coping with and while it is totally natural to do so... I just have to maintain a greater clarity than that to navigate the scenario responsibly. I kind of owe it to myself to do so and growing un-hinged (or just off kilter) is not going to cut it in any shape or form.

To be blunt here I have spent a heck of a lot of time lately consulting my dreaming mind and although 'solutions' have not been found... my precious 'inner peace' has returned. What I have found laying just beneath the surface of said 'inner peace' is a superb fierceness that is willing to defend and uphold that peace at all cost and yeah I almost feel bad for anything trying to come between me and it!

I say 'almost' because anything disturbing (or attempting to dislodge) peacefulness deserves to get rolled the fuck over without any hesitancy on my own (or anyone else's) part. Just think about it in terms of having a strong commitment to not waiver in the face of fear, turmoil, strife, chaos and general upheaval that many ill-minded folks use to get what they want... or even worse what they think they deserve!

That is kind of the crux of things as I see them at the moment not just in my own life but in the larger picture of life here on good ole planet Earth. How we work things out with ourselves and others will determine the course of history and I must ask: Who the hell do you think is at the proverbial 'tiller' if not us? In my not-so-humble opinion there are plenty of things beyond our 'control' in the world... but ourselves should never be one of them.

Sure we all have moments of acting out, losing our shit, behaving poorly or whatever but I think that is how we learn not to do those things and usually we do it long before adolescence is over. Dragging that garbage through the rest of our lives is demeaning to ourselves (and harmful to others) in such a way that I can only look at the society that perpetuates it as a deeply flawed one.

Of course said 'society' is merely a reflection of our own human flaws so there is no surprises there but when there is no willingness to work through the challenges/differences (mostly being a result of said flaws) then we have chosen destruction over growth and fear over love. To be clear here we either work towards one or the other and history paints a very clear picture of what happens afterwards depending on the choice that is made.

Having spent the last many days (weeks really) doing some very deep introspection (hence all the dreaming and communicating with others) I must admit that I have reached a point where an actual home (with all the amenities) and zero other people (landowners) between me and said 'home' is my best option in life. Perhaps I should not use the word 'option' there because it is not an option at the moment but for the sake of that sentiment I think it is wholly appropriate.

What it really comes down to is that I have reached a point where helping others fulfill their dreams is no longer all that appealing to me and no I am not saying that from some 'jaded' perspective or any horseshit like that. What I mean is that most folks have a murky vision of their dreams at best and my own tend to be crystal clear and sometimes painfully so!

In other words I think that as long as I tie my dreams in with other folks 'hoping things will work out' the further away from fulfilling my own dreams that I will find myself. Again that is not being 'jaded' but being honest with myself after looking at the empirical evidence of my life over the last few decades and especially over the last few years.

Perhaps had I not begun chronicling and sharing my life I would never have made such a realization so if nothing else I am entirely grateful that I made the choice to do so some two-thousand and thirty-odd days ago. Call it a leap of faith if you will but really it was a last ditch effort not to grow into a bitter, confused, isolated and wholly misunderstood critter perpetually trying to find their place in the world.

Okay to be fair there I am probably still misunderstood and I just care less due to the concerted effort that I make towards making 'understanding' available with these entries. Furthermore I have yet to find that aforementioned 'place in the world' so yeah take it all with the 'grain of salt' that it so rightly deserves being taken with.

When it comes right down to it my thinking of late has lead me to realize that perhaps I should put my hermiting days behind me. The extreme difficulty in that sentiment though is not just how but where?

I mean hell I find hermiting so nice because everything is by and large always very calm and peaceful around me when it is just me and the critters to contend with. Overall my tolerance of other folks bad behavior will probably never deserve the word 'tolerance' being used in conjunction with it in the first place so where do I fit into a society so hellbent on conflict, strife, discord and being argumentative to the point of violence?

Hell, even the dogs do not tolerate any kind of strife from other humans around them and the very idea of subjecting them to say your average domestic dispute (lets say in a suburb or apartment building for example) would drive both them and me into a very frantic state to put an end to said strife... or just remove ourselves from its vicinity. If you think I am bullshitting you there I invite anyone to come within earshot of them and get into even a muted argument with another person and see what happens.

Believe me it is a learned behavior that they picked up from me and yeah I have no qualms with being sensitive to the world around me and not tolerating humans harming each other... or themselves for that matter. In that sense the dogs (and myself) are well adapted to things being peaceful and other folks 'intent' being that 'to help instead of to do harm' and I doubt I (or they) will ever adapt to things being otherwise.

In short where exactly do I (or the dogs) fit into a world where abnormal behaviors (like arguing and fighting with each other) have been thoroughly normalized even in broad daylight in full public view? I mean really I find the 'uncivilized' world of the bush entirely more civilized than what most folks call most forms of actual (quote/unquote) civilization.

Thus I have reached the real quandary of what to do next in life because I know that I did not land living the lifestyle that I do (with all its challenges) by having not lived a very different lifestyle before and seen just how unhealthy for me it was. I mean seriously my big goal in life is to be left alone to live out my existence in as good as a way as I can manage whilst acquiring no more fucking trauma in the process!

I know that I am not alone in bearing such sentiments and yeah even if I were... I would still have them and would remain unmoved in my persuasions by even the strongest of forces whether they be internal, external or some combination of the two. As noble as that may sound it is more about being able to live with myself and my choices and not some philosophical hogwash meant to make me feel better about myself or be viewed in a favorable light by others.

There is much to be said for 'sticking to your guns' in life and not wavering in the face of calamity but at some point I have to wonder if it is sheer stubbornness or absolute determination which is the driving force for me there. In all likelihood it is also 'some combination of the two' joined in an alliance hellbent on preserving my own sanity whilst simultaneously being some kind of example of how others can do the same.

Not that I am particularly comfortable with the second half of that statement but alas it is a part of things for me and not something that I should overlook. To be clear there I am saying to 'learn from my mistakes' and not 'follow my example' because whoa following said example would be one heck of a rough ride for anyone to undertake!

Anyway, I do not want to get lost down that rabbit warren of thought at the moment and need to convey that I am deeply appreciative of the folks that have reached out to me and to those I have reached out to. The intensity of things has obviously been 'intense' for me and while I do not wish for others to take on my problems I am very thankful that there are folks who are willing to lend me their strength in an effort to help me shoulder them myself.

I am also yet again thankful that the folks I do feel comfortable turning to do not try to fan the flames of anger, resentment or hostility which yeah (if you have not figured it out) is a big part of why I feel okay with turning to them in the first place. I firmly believe that if more folks did that for each other that the world would be a better place but hey it is probably best not to get off on a tangent about that either at the moment!

Overall, what I need to be doing with my time each day is salvaging what gear I can from the rodent damage, getting things cleaned up, packed down and somehow stored away in such a way that it is 'safe' until I can extract myself from the scenario. It is absolutely a daunting mess and of course I just have my two hands to do it with and not enough damn calories to boot so yeah pacing myself is key!

Of course it being the hottest part of the year and perpetually stormy to boot is not helping with all of that and tends to perpetuate a lot of angst in me each day... but I just have to keep doing it. Sure I am looking into ways to help bail the situation out by somehow securing the property here but it is in no way as tangible as a thing as I would wish for it to be so yeah I am not putting a whole lot of effort in there to make it happen.

In that regard it is much more like tossing a message in a bottle into the ocean in the hopes that someone will not only find it, but be able to decipher that yes I am 'shipwrecked' somewhere and a 'rescue' would be greatly appreciated! Once again I come back around to just how awesome that I think this place is and how much potential I think there is for it to be a nice place for folks to retreat to.

For me that is not just some 'loose idea' because having been here these last six hundred plus days I have a very keen understanding of the kind of environment that I find myself in. Sure it is a small town in the middle of nowhere but having lived in many such places I gotta say it is an absolute gem and probably the best place that I have ever lived and yeah it deeply saddens me to be looking at moving on from it.

Alright, it is now much later in the day and somehow I managed to overcome my inertia and continue the cleaning up and packing down process as well as squeeze in a few hikes, get some laundry done and tidy up the shelter a bit. As far as tidying up goes I mainly went through my dwindling pantry and got it both better organized and consolidated all the burnables that I found in it into the fire pit.

I am still unsure when I will burn all that stuff but from the looks of things I will be burning a heck of a lot of stuff over the coming days. It seems like what the rodents did not destroy in the shop tent the mold and mildew did! Basically if it was paper, cardboard or fabric it is absolute toast and while I will not be burning the fabric the rest of it is fair game!

Also with all the recent rain the rats have decided that the cinder-blocks are prime real estate again and the dog yard reeked of rat urine this morning when I first went outdoors which let me tell you is no way to start the day! I once again poured water down the cavities to dull the stench and make it less 'prime' real estate but I may have to do that a few days in a row (like I did before) to drive them off.

I have yet to check the chicken coop for rodents but I feel confident that the Eastern King Snake (that I have been letting eat the eggs) will deal with them if any have moved into it. In hindsight I should have worked way harder to eradicate them around here but up until just recently I thought that I had them in check rather well.

I am really unsure what is driving the population boom but it is probably a combination of increased habitat like the shop tent, there being so much rain water available, an increase in wild foods and of course the chicken feed they keep stealing at night! Honestly even with the rattlesnakes being what they are around here I have considered running the dogs on them but when it comes down to it the risk to the dogs is just too high.

Well, I have rambled on enough for one day and although I have yet to take a nap I think that one is in order once I get this entry edited and posted. As rough as things have been of late those naps have been frigging awesome at 'hitting the reset switch' in my brain and disrupting the more anxious/depressing trains of thought that I keep getting stuck in. It is a small victory each day but a victory nonetheless!

I hope that everyone is doing well and has a nice day/night.