Baby steps with hope

Hi, guys!

Little has changed since yesterday. As I could not control my body normally, I still cannot, but today I managed to go for a rather long walk. I walked a few kilometers or so to see an endocrinologist. I decided to go there on foot. In fact, I prefer to walk wherever I can, for all my training sessions for all my rehearsals I walk on foot. If the place is too far away, and this is usually more than 8 km for me, then I have to call a taxi, because using public transport is a huge stress for me. Fortunately, I very rarely have to go anywhere farther than I can get. Sometimes, if the weather is good, I can walk twice as much, for me this is not a problem, that is, in general, I am ready to spend one and a half to two hours on the road and more just to get to the place on foot.

Now I walk as if I have to constantly wade through a layer of cotton wool, and this is terribly annoying. I used to completely control my movements, and now I only have to control the position of my body in space so as not to fall. Mom recommended ordering a bracelet with the husband's phone number and his name so that if something happens, they can find him. But it seems to me that no one in our country will look for such a piece of jewelry, so this is an extra concern. I really hope that this state will change. So far, I can’t say exactly how it is provoked by a prolonged lack of movement and air, or something else, so I don’t know how to fix it.

I don't know if it was the right decision to try to move as much as possible at the moment, but that's exactly what I'm trying to do. Slowly, albeit slowly, but constantly as much as I can. Tomorrow I think I will already feel so confident enough to take a dog for a walk, and it will be a completely different matter, with a dog it is always more fun. In addition, she herself already really wants to take a walk with me. When I leave the house, I really want to go outside. She has a toilet at home, so when we don’t want we can not walk, but nevertheless walks for the air of the sun and movement are still required, so I really look forward to when I have enough strength so that I can not worry that if with something will happen to me - my dog ​​will run away.

When I was being examined by the head of the department, she said the following thing. Some people have no idea how to live outside one of the phases of bipolar disorder. That is, how to live when there is no mania or depression, but in fact there is a norm. I belong to such people. I am so accustomed to hypomania, to an increased emotional background, to increased efficiency that it is very difficult for me to perceive myself without it. Then when I am on the norm, and then when I have no forces splashing over the edge. And from time to time I need rest. I plan to work this out with a psychotherapist because I need to learn how to live this way.

They say that a person gets used to everything, which means that I can also learn to live so that it is within the framework of the norm, and not within the framework of the disease. I hope so.

Take care of yourself and your loved ones:)

See you in the next post!
Love, Inber