When You're Going Through Hell, Keep Going
They say when you're going through hell, keep going. I am holding onto that this week. In so many ways, I am fortunate, and I am grateful. However, it is hard to feel my feelings these days, especially the positive ones. This joylessness is a part of depression that is particularly hard to understand, I think.
I have trouble understanding it, despite having had this illness on and off for over a quarter century. It goes hand in hand with a pervasive sense of irritability. I could not even get along with my sister, who came to visit from Florida over the holidays. We ended up having a big fight. I am hormonal and depressed. She is stressed out. It was a powder keg.
Lately, I spend most of my time in bed because I feel profound despair. If you don't understand, that's okay because neither do I. I am so much at my wit's end that I made an appointment with the psychiatrist. I feel like when it comes to mental health, we are living in the dark ages and going to my psychiatrist is like going for an old-fashioned blood-letting. However, if I lived in the dark ages and I was very sick, I guess I would submit to the leeches and blood-letting. What else can you do?
I know what will help me. I need to leave this city, in which it is winter half the year. I need to find a place where there is easy access to a swimming pool and where there is an ocean. It might sound decadent, but the fresh air and exercise will save me from this pit.
I can't even go out in this frigid air. I get asthma and literally choke on the cold winter air. I was born here, but somehow not meant to live here. I do not thrive here.
I still feel depression in other locations, but I have more of a hope of recovery. Anyhow, for now, it is a moot point. My father is having open heart surgery in January or February. I am his only relative in town. There is no way I can leave.
My (adult) daughter said she thought I ought to leave anyhow because I am in such bad shape. She said she thought Dad would understand. I said I couldn't leave him to face the terror of open heart surgery alone. It's like war. I might be walking wounded, but I still cannot leave a man on the field. I have to try to carry him out if I can.
However, it is a terrible struggle. The next six months will be very challenging, and I am not sure how to survive them. Being depressed is difficult. Being around my father is difficult. Being around my father while he is seriously ill and I am depressed? I don't know how I will manage it.
It's New Year's Day and I want to say something positive, but I just feel despair. I feel as though I am drowning.
Assuming my father's surgery goes well and he recovers well, I hope to travel this fall. It seems a long time to wait. I feel as though I have to hold my breath until then.
I am hoping these feelings are temporary. This is what I always tell people when they feel depressed: everything feels hopeless and it feels like the hopelessness is forever, but that is just a feeling. The truth is depression comes and goes. It ebbs and flows. The hopelessness feels all-consuming, but, in a way, it is not real.
Note: There is now a Part 2 to this post, which you can find here.
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I actually agree with your daughter.
I'm speaking from one that has lived where you are - for seasons each year. In the last 3 years or so, my cycle changed - which is good and bad. Good because oh my gosh - the cycle before was terrible.
but bad because at least it was predictable. I could count on the same times, same places, same seasons, same moods. I knew how to handle, how to hide, how to cope. I knew when to start hoping again...
this is now very unpredictable and very unstable and though I love that it's more controllable (because I have learned more specifics about who I am) I still don't like that its not a pattern I can follow.
having said all that.
You cannot possible take care of yourself after your father. You have to do the airline drill - and put your mask on first and THEN help those around you with their masks.
yes - open heart surgery is difficult.
But if your father is difficult to be around normally - and you're struggling so much that you can't even get along with your sister over the holidays (and you're recognizing BOTH of these things) you should really pause and think.... is it actually possible that in trying to help and do my perceived duty, that I might actually make it WORSE for him?
it's not a matter of being selfish and going someplace warm with light.
it's a matter of taking care of yourself in a very very serious state right now. YOU need serious help, and if you know that getting it where there is sunshine and water and healing - you should seek that healing right now.
Your daughter is right - your father will absolutely understand. And if he doesn't, that is really a shame. It truly is - but I don't believe you'll really be all that much help to him in the state that you're in. especially if you get worse.
Take care of yourself - please.
and you're right - there is always ebb and flow. and there are always voices that lie to us when we are vulnerable. and they may not be real... but what you are experiencing is enough to affect the REAL in your life. Like the relationship with your sister.. and potentially the health and recovery of your dad.
Really consider that healing for yourself first! so much love to you right now. I don't know if you can feel it coming (I usually don't when I'm low either) but just know that it is there anyway! ❤️
In the military there is a term called embracing the suck.
Embracing the suck philosophy.
There are sometimes where things just absolutely completely totally and definitely suck.
However it is only through positive daily cumulative forward motion. That you are able to embrace the suck deal with what you have to do and rise above.
Ironically it is a very enlightened philosophy that puts a positive spin on some of the worst case scenarios that you can face..
In the military there is no ability to quit when you are on deployment.
And in life there is no ability to quit when you have others and yourself relying on you.
Absolutely continue your mission and continue working on doing what you can. Sometimes being positive in these situations can make you a hero.
Happy New Year and I hope you the greatest success and as well enjoy.
Hopefully a puppy dog smile will lift your spirits even for a brief second.
And here's an especially fun one from him being a puppy.
Saying a prayer for the surgery 🙏. Hang on to hope. God really does love you, I pray for your healing and peace. Happy New Year.
Times like these people tend to advise. I'll try to avoid it. Reading your text reminded me of one of my favourite artists/personas who once said "The fact that we're in deep shit doesn't prevent us from turning our head up to look at the sky". This is always true but not always as easy. You have my best wishes or if I have to be laconic and wish just one thing, I wish your wishes come true.