What Does Spirituality Mean to You?

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This is my response to the ecoTrain Question of the Week: What Does Spirituality Mean to You?

What does spirituality mean to me? That is a good question. As many of you may have gleaned by now, I was not raised with religion. In fact, I was raised without it. I remember asking my father about God when I was a child and his saying, “There is no God.” I said, “Are you sure?” and he said, “Yes.” There was a finality to his response that did not invite further discussion of the matter.

My father’s atheism was refined in the crucible of his childhood, during which he concluded that if there was a God, He either was not benevolent, or he was not all-powerful. Logically, my father could not understand how a God who was both benevolent and all-powerful could possibly exist, given the sorts of things that occurred in the world. Given that my father was born in poverty on the eve of the Second World War and witnessed many atrocities as a child, it is unsurprising that he came to have such views.

When my mother was dying, I felt an acute need for religion. I read several books of Christian apologetics, explaining how an all-powerful, benevolent God could or would allow people to suffer terribly. Some of what I read made sense to me, but it was not enough to shake off the atheism, unfortunately.

I say “unfortunately” because, although organized religion can be toxic at times, religious beliefs in general are mentally healthy. They are physically healthy too. There simply is no downside to it other than the judgment and killing people who don’t believe as you do. That is, actually, a pretty big downside.

As a religious outsider, that is something that has always been hard for me to truly understand. Most religions have central tenets of peace, love, and kindness. However, then people go around getting very upset and killing people who don’t believe as they do or refusing to associate with or marry people who have different faiths. Where is the peace, love, and kindness?

This is a big part of the problem for me. It was not until I was in my late twenties or maybe even my thirties before I realized that not all religion was complete hypocrisy. I realized that there was a belief system, a way of interpreting that belief system, and then the people involved. Unfortunately, when you have people, there is often a certain amount of hypocrisy. However, my epiphany was that there is no need to throw out the baby with the bathwater, so to speak. Not all religion is “bad” simply because so many religious leaders are blatant hypocrites.

Why Do We Need Spirituality?

Now that my father is ill (his open-heart surgery is finally scheduled – January 20th) – I find myself yearning once again for religion. I wonder why this need suddenly arises in these times of crisis, but not at other times. For example, I have suffered many failures, setbacks, and depressions without feeling a need for spirituality.

I suspect the answer has to do with the existential nature of losing your parents. Loss is always challenging. Grief is a kick in the head. When my beloved cat, who was my best friend, passed away a decade ago, it was really hard for me. However, I did not feel the need for religion. This is different somehow.

I think a big part of it is that my parents have been around my whole life. However, also, my relationship with my cat was uncomplicated. There was virtually no conflict. On the other hand, my relationship with my parents, like all human relationships, has always been challenging. Sometimes, it was good. Sometimes, it was less good.

I think it is partially that sea of regrets and the feeling that there is so much more that you want to experience and discuss with that person – these are what make it very difficult to lose a parent. I don’t know. Maybe it cannot be pinned down. What I do know is that I feel the need for some higher power. This is not a need I normally feel. Maybe I could benefit from it normally, but I don’t feel the acute need.

I think a lot of it is that, for most of our lives, for many of us, if we are fortunate, our parents are healthy and strong. They take care of us when we are young and then, when we are adults, they drive us crazy (or at least that was my experience) and we love them. However, then, they become seniors or, if we are less fortunate, they get unhealthy sooner, and we begin to lose them.

These are the people I always turned to when things were difficult in my life. They were not always supportive in the ideal way. Often, they said or did the wrong thing and made me angry. However, I always knew I could count on them for support and their own form of encouragement. I always knew they would be there and care about me and my life.

Seeing my parents weak, elderly, sick, or dying is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. First, my mother was terribly ill and passed away. Now, my father is ill and needs open heart surgery. I hope it goes well and he will return to health for a while at least. However, I am under no delusions. He will not live forever.

I feel like I have lost the people I had to turn to when things were difficult. Although I still have my father, I no longer feel comfortable turning to him because I don’t want to upset him. It’s not that I previously wanted to upset him, but I didn’t worry about it because I felt he was strong enough to handle anything I said to him. I no longer feel that way.

I think that is where this need for spirituality comes from. I feel a need for someone stronger than myself to turn to when things get difficult to handle, confusing, and I don’t know what to do. That used to be my parents, and I don’t have that anymore.

I have tried in some ways to embrace Buddhism because it is a non-theistic religion. Although some Buddhists believe in some gods, there is no need to believe in one or more gods to be Buddhist. I actually believe in a lot of Buddhist ideology. I find it difficult to practice. So, because it’s difficult, I am not doing it? That seems very lame. I need to re-dedicate myself to studying and practicing Buddhism. It would probably really improve my life. Sometimes I wonder what the hell is the matter with me! Am I going to let laziness ruin my life? No!

P.S. I don’t believe in laziness, but that is an article for another day.

Conclusion

What does spirituality mean to me? I think, fundamentally, it means a practice that brings me inner peace. It is also something that is currently missing from my life, which is probably at the root of at least some of my problems.

I believe that true spirituality has to do with peace, love, and compassion. It really does bother me that many religious people are focused on converting others (or killing them), judging people who are different, and hating people for who they are (as opposed to what they do). For example, I find it upsetting that so many religions are anti-LGBQT+. It seems immoral to hate someone based solely on who or how they love. Hate should note be a big part of any religion in my opinion. However, I am an atheist, so what the hell do I know?

If I could snap my fingers and believe in a divine being, I would do it. Snap! I think it’s healthy to believe it. Many atheists seem to sneer at people who believe, but the joke is on them in my opinion because all the scientific evidence shows that people who are deeply spiritual tend to be physically and mentally healthier.

I suspect that, in the past, when a higher percentage of the population attended Church, more people believed in God as a Divine Presence as opposed to a literal guy in the sky. I think it might have been easier for me back then. Well, not in most ways, of course. However, I could believe in a Divine Presence I think. Could I? I have to think about it.

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And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you write an article that offends absolutely everyone. It offends people who are religious because I am not. And it offends atheists because I am not doing that correctly either. I apologize. It is not my intention to offend. I am just spouting off my confusing medley of beliefs.

Peace and much love!