Are You Who You Wanted to Be? Life is Not a Choose Your Own Adventure Novel
Source: author modified image from stux at Pixabay in MS Paint
Are you who you want to be?
Did you dream of being something else, or settle down into a life that just took you along...?
When I read this week’s question, my first response was to feel regret and think of all the many ways my life has not gone as planned. However, then I remembered something important: nobody’s life goes as planned. The sad thing is that very few people realize that.
Often, we go through life with a feeling that we are somehow defective or different because we are not living the lives we planned or hoped for. We feel that “if only” some thing or person had not come alone and ruined things, we could have been living a much different and happier life. Maybe it is true. Who is to say? We can never go back and find out.
What is true is that we are living the life we are living. Have you ever read a “Choose Your Own Adventure” novel? I used to read them when I was a child. In case you are unfamiliar with them, they are books in which you can make a choice for the protagonist, and the story depends on your choice. I was the kind of kid who would go back and make a different choice to see how that story would end also. Which choices would give me the best outcome?
As an adult, I came to understand that life was certainly not a “Choose Your Own Adventure” Novel. In fact, I think part of being an adult is coming to realize that much of life is way beyond our control. We can make plans, and we should make plans. It is important to have goals, and it is important to believe in ourselves and to redouble our efforts when faced with discouraging outcomes. However, it is also important to recognize which battles are worth fighting and which are not.
Why I Like the Serenity Prayer
Although I am not a religious person, I really like the Serenity Prayer:
“Father, give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the insight to know the one from the other.” The Serenity Prayer was written by American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr.
I think this gets to the very heart of the daily struggle of every human being. Some things can be changed, but it takes strength, courage, and patience to change them, whether they are inside ourselves or out in the world. Then there are things that are upsetting, frustrating, or even devastating, but that we cannot alter no matter what we do. Those are things we must learn to accept. If we cannot achieve some peace, we risk going insane. As Niebuhr says, the difficulty is often that we lack the wisdom to know which is which: which things can be changed versus which things cannot be helped.
Avoid Self-limiting Beliefs
It might sometimes seem obvious, but too often, we limit ourselves with beliefs or ideas that just are not so. These are self-limiting beliefs. Of course, there is also the danger of going the other way and believing that we can change things that we cannot change.
I had a boyfriend many years ago who was a bass player in a band. Let’s call him Bob. He told me his goal was for the band to become a household name and to become a millionaire. I tried to (kindly) explain to him that his goal was futile. It was not because he was unwilling to work nor was it because they were not a good band. They were a good band. However, the other members of the band were bus drivers. They liked being bus drivers. They had no desire to play more gigs than they were playing.
Any time my boyfriend advertised the gigs, the band leader yelled at him. I found it inexplicable. He (the band leader) once explained to me that he was doing “stealth” promotion. Now, I might not be a marketing expert, but I don’t think that is a marketing strategy. I have heard of a whispering campaign, but I have not heard of turning down advertising or trying to stifle it.
So, I explained to Bob that his goal could not work because it relied on people who were uninterested in the goal. I said, “Bob, if you want to be a successful musician, you have to go solo or find a new band. This one doesn’t want to be successful. Literally. They said so.”
Bob got very angry with me because Bob was a bit of a psycho. That was a good lesson for me. I could present my ideas to Bob, but I could not actually change Bob from being a delusional person to being a person who could see sense. Instead, he blamed me for the troubles in his life and for his own limitations, and I came to see that I needed to not be around him.
Infinite Universes Theory Brings Me Serenity
I sometimes like to consider the infinite universes theory. The theory is that every time we make a choice, another universe is spawned. Think of all the people, all the nanoseconds, and the fact that there are probably choices being made on other planets maybe by aliens. Then, if this theory is true, there truly are infinite universes. For every choice, large and small, there is a new universe.
I like to imagine all the Harlows in all those other universes. Some are happier than me, and some are less happy. Some are in better circumstances, and some are in worse. It makes me feel like I am free to just enjoy this life without wasting it in regret. I can make the best choices I know how to make, and, when it feels like my life has gone terribly wrong, I can imagine that there is another Harlow, or even infinite Harlows out there who are living the lives I dreamed I would live. They are probably relieved thinking about this theory also.
Sometimes, when I think about the infinite universe theory, I suddenly feel much less alone. I think about all the other Harlows who feel like no one could possibly understand them, and I know I at least partly understand them, and I feel a kinship with them.
Conclusion
Then I realize that, even if there are not infinite universes, there are people right here in this universe who have gone through things that are similar to what I have gone through. I suddenly realize that I am much less alone than it seemed. I don’t mean physically, of course. I mean in terms of life experience.
However, life is about experience, and I think sometimes we forget that. We think it is about having a plan and then executing that plan. Although it is beneficial to have plans, dreams, and goals, life is about the moments that we live. Some are beautiful. Some are happy. Some are difficult. Some are sad. They are all important moments, though and they weave together to make the fabric of our lives.
This was my entry for the Ladies of Hive Contest of the Week.
I invite @otuyanancy to join Ladies of Hive if she has not already since she is new to Hive and to join in this weekly contest if she so chooses.
https://twitter.com/HarlowJourney/status/1447485947835125762
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Most times what we plan to become doesn't come true, but as an adult we have the ability to make choices, what ever plans we make will determine our future.
While I agree that our plans have a bearing on our future, I have not found them to be deterministic. Don't get me wrong. I believe strongly in goals and having ambition and direction in one's life. However, life has a way of taking its own route despite our plans. That has been my experience, and my observation of the experience of most people I have encountered.
The funny thing is that most people feel a deep sense of shame or failure that their lives did not work out as they planned or hoped. Actually, this is the normal state of affairs. I cannot think of anyone, successful or not, whose life fell in line with their original plan.
One example: I had a friend in university who was going to be a social worker. She did graduate with a Masters degree in Social Work. However, she started blogging and made six figures blogging. That sounds positive, but she wanted to have children with her husband. They tried for several years, but she could not. She did not like the idea of adoption, which came from her own past trauma I think. Anyhow, she found God and now, she writes books and blogs about God and people seem to like it very much. She does exceptionally well.
So, she is successful, but all her plans went astray. You know? Life is usually like that. However, we still must make plans.
If I had not planned to teach English for a year in Thailand, which failed, I would not have met my fiancé, the love of my life. So, failed plans can work out well.
Life is about living, coping through variety of experiences no matter what presents itself. To a certain degree we can plan, if we look realistically we cannot live yesterday over, we can only live in this given moment, tomorrow is not promised to anyone.
Universal outlook, we are but a small ripple in the pool of life, we all carry regret in some way or another, that is what makes each unique, there are no straight lines to define an outcome.
I did the same too when I saw someone I followed reblogged the contest question for this week. Then I stopped myself and remembered all isn't lost. I can still make amends and that's exactly what I am planning on doing.
it's true. instead of looking at the bright side of those events. we focus on the bad ones. If for once we stop and reflect, those events we thought were defective, could have happened for our benefit. We didn't, so we never found out.
the earlier we discover this, the better it will be for all of us. not all battles are worth fighting for, some should be sidelined, and it will pass on its own.
I am sorry about Bob. I wish he listened. There is no way he could have gone far with his team if they didn't have the same goals or sense of purpose.
do you know I had to scroll up and confirm your username when I got to this point? This beats the question out of me, "Is this where your username comes from?"
definitely. I know you are not a religious person but I have to back your thoughts with the scripture to confirm that you are right. The scripture says, " no temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man." So, it's true we are not the first to go through the things we experience. Others have and others will. Therefore, we are not alone.
life is everything. if we could just stop and listen, watch, learn, and enjoy. We will see the abundance the universe has to offer and grab them with all our strength.
I wish you luck in the contest.
This reminds me of this conversation from one of the books I am currently reading - So Big by Edna Ferber
In the first chapter, the father who is a professional gambler is having this conversation with his young daughter after a play, which he brings her to even though it is not the place for young girls to be seen.
And this really got me thinking for days. And even now, I think if we can just take life as is, without getting overly attached but just moving along, enjoying and learning... oh, what a grand adventure it would be ;D
I love Ferber! ♥️
I am loving her too
Looking out for her other books :D
I've also read Giant, but I think that's all.
What a very thoughtful answer to this week's question! Like you, learning the Serenity Prater changed my life and my relationships with other people.
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I don't think I am where I thought I would be but I feel like I am where I need to be.
This was such a deep article, made me rethink alot
That thing with alternate universes...lol. I do that a lot.
Deep.
But it wouldn't hurt to give the dream a good try.
If you got a plan and if the stars align right...
If it doesn't?
I gave it a try.
Next dream, Waiting for my Crypto ship to come in. ⛵️
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STOPMaybe I'm way off which is pretty much spot on if we're being specific and if you're not confused by this sentence yet I should edit it. Not sure where that came from...
One of the most concerning things to me in daily life is the number of people I'm surrounded by who never have and never will consider the issues everyone they're surrounded by is dealing with.
Dang man. I stopped by to tell you I can't help but notice your engagement. Very nice. And now this.
Having peace is a complete life and out of troubles.
Believing in serenity prayer is good and it encouraging since it keeps one calm
Nice writeup @harlowjourney. Yes, we could look back and wonder how our life would be if we had taken another path but I believe we are where we are suppose to be. Do we really have any choice or as Shakespeare said, ‘All the world’s a stage and we merely the players.”
The serenity prayer is most inspiration. I have tried lately to be grateful for 3 things each day and not sweat the small stuff.
Be well and be blessed.🌸