Ladies of Hive Community Contest #83 ~ The Death Of My Father

So, this particular @ladiesofhive community contest reminds me of the #theweekend community contest by @galenkp last week [WE101] Weekend-Engagement concept. I think both community contest has something similar because I had planned to answer one of the questions that says;

🕗 Fast forward
If you could fast forward over a particular year of your life so you didn't have to live in which would it be, and why?

Unfortunately, I fell ill that week and couldn't make use of my phone and by the time I was strong enough, the contest had already ended today, when I saw this particular question asked by the ladies of hive, I realized I had the same answer last weekend to share although different ways of asking the question.

What was the most devastating event in your life? Express your feelings and how you coped.

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I am not sure there can be any worst events that have happened to me or will happen to me that I can or will tag as devastating events than the events of the death of my father.

When the news about his death got to us, I wished they could tell us it was a prank but after staying for one night without seeing him walk into the room to watch our favourite soap opera series, I knew that it was indeed true that my dad was gone.

Then it dawned on me that reality had struck us and it struck really hard. He was the only breadwinner of the home although mom had something doing but whatever she was doing was in no way going to keep the family together like dad's income did.

We were told about his death two days after he died and that was what shattered my soul, I felt, that if I was allowed to see him, he wouldn't have died.

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Although I have faced more horrible events in my life that one event birth so many turn-ups in my life and created a whole new life entirely for myself and my family that I never dreamt of or imagined happening to me.

I mean, with my dad around, I had my life all figured out, but when we lost him, it felt like I was beginning a whole new journey from the scratch alone with nobody to direct me and along the line, I failed, made mistakes, felt devastated, and confused and many times I fell into depression with nobody to see or encourage me.

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I encouraged myself, taught myself so many things, inspired myself, learned, unlearned, and relearned from my mistakes and stories heard. I felt alone and felt the world was against me.

I had no one to run to, talk to, or even confide in. I carried the family responsibilities alone and many nights, I cried myself to sleep nobody knowing, I became a shadow of myself and withdrawn from everyone.

I blamed myself for the death of my dad, I blamed God for letting such a horrible event happen to me and felt I had no reason for living, although I kept pushing forward because of my younger siblings.

My two young brothers were the only reason I kept pushing because I had made a promise never to make them feel the death and absence of our father. They were both quite young when he passed away and did not understand most of the things that happened.

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How I coped
I knew my mom was also suffering from the loss of her husband and my younger siblings did not understand what was happening to us at that time, I knew I had just myself to console.

So, I did what I call, Grew up

Yeah, I grew up a little bit too fast that I did not get to enjoy my teenage period and all of the rest like every young kid. I knew responsibilities were going to start hunting me down, so I had no option but to grow up too fast for a young girl and that was why I faced so many challenges in life.

While my mother did what she did, I grew up with just the responsibility of being a big sister to my sibling and taking care of their every need.

I cried when nobody was around, although I realize now how that part had made people neglect me and my needs because I never cried in front of anyone after I lost my dad.

I remember the first day I cried in front of my mom because of how broken I was inside and how nobody stops to see it, she was shocked, she had a surprising look written all over her face that I was crying in front of her.

I became the strong girl and began carrying other people's burdens but kept smiling while I buried mine deep down in my heart. I had my life to think about but was thinking for others and nobody was doing the thinking for me because they felt I had everything figured out. After all, I never complained or cried when I was faced with challenges or difficulties.

Over time, I learned to adapt to the situation, I told myself, he was gone and wasn't going to come back but I was here now and needed to do something he would have done if he was alive.

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I invite @glowie and @mhizerbee to participate in this contest.