The unconscious effect of failure on a human mind.

𝖣𝖾𝗌𝗂𝗀𝗇𝖾𝖽 𝗎𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗏𝖺

Throughout the days of my life I have been concerned about matters of the future, always thinking about what to do next. Can't afford to leave anything left undone, the thought of accumulating regrets is a luxury I can't afford. There is a quote from Open heavens by pastor E.A Adeboye it says "The wise lives by the day while fools live by the year" I have never been able to phantom which category I fall into, either the wise or a fool because I live by the day and by the year. Most times my plans for what is yet to come affects my plans for the present.

I can't shake that feeling that rains terror on my gut, what if there is something I should have done that will change the narrative of my future, what if there is a step I should have taken but I'm unable to, what if the present path I'm taking right now isn't mine, what if I'm meant for more but presently settling for less, what if there is more to life but I'm unaware of it. Just "What if" is all I find myself thinking about most times, I take each step with a lot doubt in mind, I second guess every action of mine looking at every corner checking if I got it right. Being the judge and executor of my actions has been an exhausting journey.

To an extent I consider living a burden, the weight of survival outweighs the ability to breathe, a wrong step in the wrong path is all it takes for everything to come crashing down. The thought of this have always put me in the state of inactivity and constant disarray, confused and unable to figure out a way forward. Is this what it means to be alive? is this what it means to be human? What if someone else could do the thinking for me and I will be relieved from the intrapersonal communication that exist within me, a constant nagging in my mind that has robbed me of peace of mind.

Even if that was possible, having someone to do the thinking for me knowing the kind of person I'm, will I willingly oblige to the decision made by others on my behalf, I'm too paranoid to accept that others are capable of making decisions solely for my own benefit without having any hidden agenda, I guess my experience from previous relationships have had with people was not that forthcoming.

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Being the sole judge of my actions has made it a lot easier to figure out my purpose, my dreams, my goals and objectives. My life is goal driven, it is one thing I look up to, the one thing that gives me the strength to keep striving for greatness, the one thing that makes life bearable and worth living. Over the years I have set a lot of Golas that goes in line with my dreams, some I'm able to achieve while others I just let it go eventually probably because it doesn't interest me anymore or I just couldn't put up with what it takes to get it done which might be as a result of lack of resources. I have never been the type to give up on my dreams, it has always been a battle of whatever it takes.

But there was something I gave up on a long time ago because I just couldn't put up with the struggle as a beginner, I have written about sometime ago. There is something you should know about me, I'm a great lover of music especially instrumentals, it is the sole source of energy that fuels my mind but I have always wanted more. Listening to the sounds is just never enough, instead of just listening only I want to be able to create my own sounds by playing any form of instruments that connects to my soul. I'm not really a fan of singing, that is something I never see myself doing.

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Trying to nurture this unyielding passion for music instruments, there was one in particular that caught my attention which was guitar, A beautiful piece of art. I was lucky enough to have a friend around me that is a guitarist I seek his advice, so he encouraged me to give it a try. He gave me a lot of tutorial videos that would assist me along the way but I never knew I had some sort of physical challenge that will prevent me from achieving my dream of becoming a guitarist.

There has been a lot of times when people criticize the soft nature of my skin, I guess there is this wild belief that men should be muscular but that doesn't apply to me, my skin is really soft and the tips of my fingers is like butter. So whenever I practice the guitar my fingers hurt a lot, I tried coping with it thinking it will get better over time but I was wrong. I tried practicing by using other objects on the strings but I was not really good enough to make use of those object. At some point my passion for it drifted away.

It wasn't easy letting it go, seeing how much time and effort I have invested in making sure it worked. Whenever I see the guitar In my room, all that comes to my mind is "A failed dream" it was a tormenting thought. In order to relieve my self of this burden, I took the guitar and sold it. I thought to myself, finally I can let go and moved on to the next but instead of that my interest shifted to another musical instrument which is the piano, a keyboard Musical instrument. the perfect tool for my distinctive nature.

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I'm not sure if it is trauma from my last failed attempt or procrastination, I just know for years and till today I have been unable to find the perfect time to start learning how to play piano, I made a lot of excuse which seems relevant and understandable to me, which is pinned pointed on the fact that I'm busy, too busy to embark on a dream I'm passionate about.

Over time, I realised my mind has succeeded in giving up not only on learning guitar but on every other form of musical instruments, Seeing the way it has become a lot easier to come up with excuses which is not really normal for a goal driven person like me. Since I have allowed it, the drive to give up on such a passionate dream of mine has grown bigger.

From this experience I realised that the mind might seem like an extension of the brain, its complexity goes beyond what words could describe. It is the primary motivator of anyone who is willing to take charge of their dreams and also the instigator of excuses for those who prefer to procrastinate. Which means the mind feeds on what ever you engage in the most either failure or success. I guess what you have to ask yourself is what exactly am I feeding your precious mind?

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