Heartbreak Hotel

It was only a matter of time.

My girlfriend has broken up with me!
It was a good run, we should be proud.

I wish I could provide a proper number for everyone here who's unwittingly about to pry into my personal life, but alas, I do not. The girlfriend and I have been together for like five years now. Quite a run indeed! We were together before Bitcoin mooned to $20k in 2017. That's how I measure time now: in Bitcoin years. She loves my obsession with crypto. Loves it.

_{In fact... we started up in March 2016... so, gonna be 6 years now.
How time flies.}

This is the... 15th time we've broken up?

Again, I wish I had a number to give you. It's been so long since this has happened; since I was given the ultimatum to pack up my shit and be out of the house within 30 days. I swear it used to happen like every other month at the beginning of our relationship. Then like every 4 months. Then every six months. You know I think we might have made it a full year this time. I'm proud of us. Such progress.

Speaking of which, why do women seem to think they have this power? It's in all the movies. Uh Oh! The man is in the dog house again! He's not allowed in the house, or he's sleeping on the couch, or whatever else. Meanwhile I'm like, are you joking me? I live here. You want out? There's the door. But ah, moving out is very inconvenient isn't it? So of course you'd tell the other person to move out and hope they'd be the one to uproot their entire life because an irrationally emotional argument.

Speaking of uproot...

Didn't I just move 2700 miles across the country in September to be here? So forgive me if I'm dismissive, and instantly come to the conclusion that there's a less than 1% chance of this being a real thing. Hm yeah... it's not a real thing, and all the power dynamics have shifted.

It seems to be a running theme in these fake-breakup arguments to employ manipulation tactics and leverage every possible advantage (or maybe that's the conspiracy theory talking)... which is further complicated by the fact that my girlfriend isn't actually a very manipulative person like 99% of the time.

For example, when we argue, if I make a valid point, that doesn't work in my favor like you'd think it should (at least at the time). Rather if I make a good point and start winning the argument in any way, she will simply become further enraged, bringing up shit that happened five years ago and acting as though it has relevance in the current situation.

Money

The real power dynamic between the two of us has always been money. We never actually argue about money like some couples do, but when we first got together I was broke as shit and mooching off her cushy job something fierce. No shame in my game. Shit happens, I'm a work in progress.

So the prospect of being forced to find another place to live was... quite an overwhelming burden... and I'm not sure if in the past she used this leverage to dominate the situation. I'm not explaining this super well, but as you can imagine, this financial leverage is completely gone, because now I have more money than... basically anyone I know on a personal level (I don't know a lot of people :) ). Introverts gonna introvert.

So yeah now that this is no longer a thing I don't really have to tiptoe around it. This caused our argument to go into places that it's never really gone before... which was... interesting I guess.

How did this even start?

Hm well I've been sick for five days now. My girlfriend has actually been telling me to go to the emergency room to get drugs for it. Hm, an emergency room visit over a cold... hard pass. But at the same time over-the-counter drugs have like zero effect on me and we've both been having trouble sleeping because of the... noise.

So there's a certain level of frustration

This illness started out very weird, just like the last time I was sick in Valentines Day 2020. Pretty sure I got COVID before it was cool. This one was weird enough to be COVID as well but, I did test negative so there is that... not that I trust the tests to reveal the truth. Only took it because the girlfriend demanded it. First one I've ever taken. Boo! They finally got me.

In any case, this illness started as like... really bad heartburn. I was waking up in the middle of the night thinking I was going to projectile vomit without being able to get to the bathroom. Luckily, that did not happen.

So Dr. Girlfriend got online and started researching acid-reflux and found that it can give you a sinus infection that basically ticked all the boxes of my symptoms. Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) is the more advanced version of acid reflux as well, with similar symptoms, just worse.

Reverse engineering symptoms back into the disease is a tricky process, but this seemed legit at the time. Heartburn can lead to cold-like symptoms if it's bad enough, sorted. I was a bit baffled because I never get heartburn, but it made sense because on night 2 of this iron gauntlet I basically produced enough sick to neutralize and acid-bath, and the heartburn was gone the next day.

But the 'sinus infection' remained.

And I kept saying on day 3 and day 4... "yeah I don't think this is from acid-reflux... I think this is a cold". But no, she was quite certain it must be the thing she researched. And I wondered what the motivation here was. Why tell me it's not a cold when really you wouldn't know, and I'm the person experiencing the thing?

I concluded that she wanted it to be acid reflux because if it was a cold, the only reason I got it is because she essentially demanded I go to that funeral in the first place. She was the reason I was at the airport, and thus to admit that what I had was a cold, she must also admit partial responsibility. That wasn't going to happen, thus I must have acid-reflux.

Now when I say these things about my girlfriend... it's really all speculation. I have no idea if the speculation I make is true or not, and even more importantly, I have no idea if she is doing it on purpose, or if these are subconscious actions rooted in emotional frustration. All of these variables matter a lot, and I don't know what they are. So don't be running around thinking you know my girlfriend is some manipulative sociopath, because you don't know shit either. I know more than you, so save me the "you should breakup with your girlfriend" comments that I've gotten in the past when I vent about these things.

Also my girlfriend was making me meals and whatever during the first four days. Taking care of me and whatnot, like ya do. But she also asked me to do the dishes all four days, which was really really annoying to me. Not so much doing the actual chore, but the fact that I know if she was the one who was sick, and I would have asked her to do the dishes, she would have lost her damn mind. Seems hypocritical.

At the same time... I haven't stopped "working". Been doing my PolyCUB and Discord and Hive and Twitter thing this whole time. I haven't been in bed. In fact, I was waking up at like 5 AM on several occasions because I couldn't sleep. So in my mind she's asking me to do chores while I'm sick... and in her mind I'm good enough to be working so why not help out? Sure, whatever.

She tells me a few times, "If you think you're contagious you should be in the bedroom resting wearing a mask." Yada Yada Yada. Later she changed this to "You should be wearing a mask if you're at the desk in the common area." Because, you know, that's what people did before COVID.

Truth be told I was a bit offended by this. Like I'm going to wear a mask while my lungs fill up with fluid. What a terrible idea. Yeah I love pneumonia. But I can't really go down that route because then it turns into full on "conspiracy theory"... so I didn't.

At the end of the day we live in a two bedroom apartment with one bathroom, and I'm in the bathroom twenty times a day drinking all this water and doing whatever else. There is no escape. It's a small place. If one person gets sick... not really much anyone can do. Others will get sick. People get sick. Without viruses how would we find the flaws in the system?

The argument

So maybe you can guess how this argument started. My roommate got sick, and now I'm the asshole that "wasn't careful enough" that caused it to happen. Is this a knee-jerk deflection because it would have never happened in the first place if I wasn't at the airport? Who knows. But at the same time I also tried to avoid common-spaces like the kitchen. That didn't work out so well doing dishes four days in a row during my most contagious moments.

Also apparently I was "being mean" these last few days. Can you believe that? ME!? Shoot, I already admitted in my last post that I was being a dick because I was sick and this whole Polycub situation: of being up $140k and then down hard is pretty... shall we say high-energy. So yeah, maybe, but also she has a way of bringing stuff up that I don't remember happening (or in a different way) that just so happens to reinforce the narrative being presented. My memory is pretty trash so it's anyone's guess really.

Boundaries

So yeah this argument... my my my... it got pretty heated. I accused her (and our roommate that works at the same company) of putting 110% energy into their jobs and then have zero leftover for anything else. You should see my front room right now... was gonna take a picture but nah it's too embarrassing. Totes from when we moved in during September are still stacked next to the TV. This place hasn't been presentable for the entire six months we've lived here. We even have a storage unit for this exact reason, and yet all their shit is still right there. Fun times.

Boundaries

Oh right... boundaries. So this argument got pretty intense and my girlfriend has had like a lifetime supply of therapy in the past. She decided to "set a boundary" by stopping the argument. But honestly at this point this triggered me even more because sometimes (not this time) she'll set a boundary that isn't really a boundary at all, and more like: "do what I say otherwise you're being unreasonable". So of course I was like, "I'm setting a boundary and you can't cut off this conversation because we have to work this out and stop ignoring it; why are you violating my perfectly reasonable boundary?" Hm yeah I was saving that ace in the hole for a good time and I really butchered it with the delivery, but you know, that's how it goes sometimes.

During the course of the argument I also threw my left hand up like a dismissive wall, and starting tinkering on my computer again, and her response to that was something like... "Don't act like you're going to backhand me; that's disgusting." Personally I've never backhanded someone from 8 feet away while turning away from them, but interesting assessment of me throwing my hand up. Again, I can't tell sometimes if she believes her own bullshit. Did she actually interpret it this way, or is it just some gaslighting bullshit manipulation designed to build leverage in an irrational argument? No one knows!

Hm so yeah what else.

Hard to even recall everything that was said because it was so ridiculous. You can be sure I said terrible TERRIBLE things. Eh, not that terrible. I did however let her know for the first time that if I wanted to say terrible things it would be very easy for me to do so that would be... absolutely crippling. You know, because we've been together for 6 years and I know all her fears, weaknesses, and backstory.

And what did she say in response to the fact that I could say terrible things but choose not to? That I should do it. That I should say the terrible things. Ha, nice try. Like I'm gonna let you climb up on that cross and use my own ammunition against me. If I hold a gun in my hand, doesn't mean I just run around shooting people with it. That scenario doesn't end well for anyone, obviously. Even the things I did say made her cry so... imagine what would happen if I didn't hold anything back? Yikes. No one needs that. I've yet to pull someone's heart out and show it to them like it's Mortal Combat.

Because relationships, like many things in life, are not a competition. You can't "win" a relationship, and it's almost impossible to "win" arguments like this as well. All we can do is escalate them or deescalate them. My girlfriend and I are really good at the escalation bit. Gold stars all around. In the past I've even escalated the argument by criticizing her inability to deescalate. Those are some next-level pro-move meta-strats right there, fam. Who's ready for mindgames?

See how quickly that devolved? Turned it into a competition in the same paragraph that opened with the fact that it isn't a competition. Escalation and rage are easy. Deescalation and resolution are... not.

Maybe you should go to therapy.

Every once and a while the girl will tell me I need therapy. Doesn't actually happen very often so I was surprised it came up. She said something like, "You need therapy more than my dad." Which is a hilarious slap in the face because lol her dad is a dumpster fire. I was about to tell you all why but, too much information really. You can trust me on this.

But honestly I don't need therapy, which is exactly what someone who needs therapy would say! Ha, I wasn't going to fall into that obvious trap! So I did something I've never done before... allude to the idea that 'obviously' we need couple's therapy. This was a pretty out of the box move for me, but hey the power dynamics have shifted so let's see what happens.

Her response was... enlightening. She told me she would NEVER go to therapy with me. It was heavily implied that this was a terrible idea, right after telling me I need therapy. Hm, interesting choice. My response was, "of course you wouldn't". Because honestly I think if we did go to couples therapy she'd be hearing a LOT of truth that she didn't want to be hearing. But hey that's just speculation. Who knows. Maybe getting called out on her own bullshit wasn't the reason. But surely in the context of 'winning' this 'debate' that's exactly the kind of thing I was assume to strengthen my own position. I guess I'm a slow learner, eh?

Every problem every in the last 6 years all at once.

Surely other people know what I'm talking about? If you can't forge your augment on solid ground in the present, why not cherry-pick your way to victory using leverage from 5 years ago? Yeah there was a bit of this going on today. No easy feat, to be sure. One can't pick randomly. Instead one must pick relevant grievances from the past and portray them as a patterned problem that is relevant in today's argument for this, this, and this reason. Legitimate comparison, or false manipulation of the current dataset? Hard to say!

What do you want?

Had to ask this question about four times before realizing hm I think she just wants to vent. Or perhaps if I invent a time machine I could fix the problem? Incoming.

Hm, what else.

Oh yeah after calling me "mean" or whatever she got a but frustrated and said things like, "you'll never love anyone". That's like kinda when I went down the whole rabbit hole of "are you trying to hurt my feelings right now, because I could destroy you instantly" territory. Honestly when she said that it was a legit zero emotional response for me. Like, am I really supposed to take that seriously? That's just like some fruitless lashing out based on my own emotional distance that I maintain in all my relationships with all people. That's right, fam. I'm a cold calculating Terminator. I am an island, get off my island, it's mine.

Trigger?

Every other time we've had one of these fake breakups there was a trigger involved. Like you know, I'd so something less than optimal and that would be the straw that broke the camel's back and all hell would break loose. This time was a bit different. She asked me to, "open a window" in order to "air out the germs" after lunch and was just pissed, so I called her out on it and that's how it started.

If I had to guess... she feels guilty about being partially responsible for getting our roommate sick. And by roommate I mean best friend and coworker, who is also lived a very sheltered life and my girlfriend is weirdly protective of her in potentially toxic ways. Like I said before, they are putting 110% energy into their jobs right now, and they have no energy for anything else. Getting sick is like... a big deal. That guilt has to go somewhere, does it not? Ol' @edicted is looking like a pretty good target! Welcome to my Ted Talk "Conspiracy Theory".

Conclusion

You're damn right I'm about to profit off this random drama that no one should be hearing about. Why not?!? While I'm at it, let me tag LEO like I always do and get rewards there as well! How do you like my financial post!? Don't let relationships get in the way of making those phat stacks. POLYCUB TO THE MOON. YEEHAW.

Yep, still sick, still on tilt. Coughing a lot... and it's not because there's liquid in the lungs... it's one of those dry itchy coughs that happens for seemingly no reason. I am annoy.

I definitely shouldn't click this publish button.
I'm not going to do it.
_{Only like a 10% chance she reads it. Gamble Gamble.}

_{Wow that Karen haircut did not age well.}

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