My Powdered Milk Date

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Now that the paritae comtest is over and there's some serenity restored to this space, I can share a little about my relationship life. I could not risk y'all sharing my story on social media to the full glare of my ex (who's also an ex convict). And yes I've had a very weird love life and sometimes I wonder how/why I got into anything with all of my exes, because there's no semblance or pattern in my choosing any of the girls.

I remember back when we were growing up in the village, and I had just attained puberty and my body was beginning to react weirdly to some kind of things. I could find my mind drifting into different scenarios of what I would do with any lady that caught my fancy. At first I thought I was possessed by the devil, up until I noticed that my elder brother and his goons were swimming in the bosom of ladies.

I so wanted to be like them that I asked how they did it and they directed me to their mentor who soon became my mentor. But I was a timid boy, who even when I was getting green lights from these ladies, was never able to say the ring things to them. Anytime the ladies approached me, I always found myself drawing maps on the ground or plucking leaves by the road side while giggling foolishly which was embarrassing.

But I was confident in my new mentor that he would show me the way to the V-shaped haven. He was a legend and a good friend of Venus because of how many times he had visited its shores. That was why I had to put everything he thought me into practice.

First was the way I carried myself when approaching a lady. I needed to get a necklace as a necessity. The trick here was that when you were approaching the lady, you lift the pendant into your mouth, drop one of your shoulders and raise the other side up while rubbing your palms together.

And yes it worked with the first girl I tried it on, as I was talking , she was plucking leaves and drawing maps on the floor. Then I dropped the pendant and slotted a matchstick in between my lips as replacement and she looked impressed. Well, the trick with the matchstick was to show that I'm a baller.

"Damn, I'm killing it" I thought to myself when she started giggling sheepishly. And that was when I booked her for a date.

That day I was so happy that I marked my calendar like a young girl who just saw her period for the first time. So the following day we went on a date to a local bar to just chill as a baller that I was, and boy were my balls swelling, ready to kick out every bit of innocence from her Venus.

So we made our orders and I ordered for beer while she ordered for stout. Ah! My head pinged me, "innocent girls don't drink stout". Even me as a boy, I usually did not drink stout, but this girl ordered for stout. "It's okay" the player in me reminded me "the goal is to make your balls hit the net".

As the drinks were served, I followed the waitress inside to get some meat to compliment our drinks. As I came back outside, I couldn't find my date again. I looked around, but she was not there, so I just sat to wait for her hoping that she was not ogbanje (marine spirit).

Few minutes later and she returned, but not alone and also not with someone, but with two sachets of powdered milk. Confused, I watched this girl pour the sachets of powdered milk into the stout bottle. I asked what she was doing and her reply was "it's bitter na".

Like, are you fucking kidding me? Stout is fucking bitter and that's why some of us could not drink it. Instantly, I felt a deflation between my legs and I felt like I was floating in shame. I looked around and saw that there were three other girls around drinking stout. That was when it clicked, my date had seen the girls drinking it and without any knowledge of what it tasted like wanted to just feel among.

I just stood up, pretended like I wanted to go get some toothpick so we can enjoy our meat, went inside, settled the bill, and took the back door home. When she finish with her powdered milk stout, she will go home to her parents.

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