I CARE! I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU.

I have a very close relationship with my mum, a day hardly goes by without her putting a call through, we speak very often, however she's always the one doing the calling, i'm honestly very bad and calling anyone, I actually don't like phone calls, i'm much more comfortable with texting , last week she got mad at me for not calling her, she was so mad she decided not to call me at all for the whole week,It was surprising to me honestly that she didn't call, but I just didn't see it as a big deal, I felt perhaps she was busy but ostensibly she was not, she just wanted to test me.

I think my dad got tired of hearing her complain at home so he decided to call and let me know what was going on, he made understand that my mum had been complaining about me not caring about her enough to place a call through to check up on her, now this caught me off guard and I won't lie I felt a little bit hurt she felt that way, immediately my dad hung up, I called my mum, she didn't pick at first (women and their shakara).

Eventually when she picked up, she didn't even give me any opportunity to say anything, she started venting in my local dialect (Yoruba) saying:

"do you think what you're doing is good?, You didn't get a call from me for 6 whole days and you didn't bother to reach out?, Is this the same way you'll treat me if you move far away from home?"

I've always known how to calm my mum down whenever she's mad, so I just laughed, made some jokes about the situation and eventually calmed her down then I apologized, assuring her i'll do better.

I have never been an expressive person, despite caring for those around me, I don't really know how to tell or show them I actually do care, it sort of cringes me out to even say "I love and care about you" to my folks, or even when it is said to me, I always feel uncomfortable, I really don't understand why I'm wired that way, I just feel weird, shy and sometimes embarrassed if I eventually get forced to say it.

Being her only child, you can imagine how often my mum says she loves me, but I find a way to brush it off or change the topic just to avoid saying it back, don't get me wrong I do love my mum however, I just don't know why it feels awkward telling her or my other family members that I love and care about them.

Maybe i'm uptight and just not vulnerable enough to show emotions in front of people which is why I guard my emotions behind a stoic facade or perhaps I'm just scared of being judged or could it be insecurities??? Well....., I don't know, but I do know that if I keep this up I might not build meaningful relationships, this aspect of my life I really have to work on because I treat my friends the same way, I hardly call or text However if anyone of them calls me this instant that they need me for something important, I have no problem dropping everything to go and support them.

Moving forward, I aim to embrace vulnerability, allowing myself to express affection and care more openly. This journey towards emotional expression may be uncomfortable, but it's a crucial step in developing deeper connections with those I care about.