[En-ES] ANGER: Confronting my frustrations | ENOJO: Enfrentando mis frustraciones

English Version

THE ANGER

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For a long time I was angry with my father, not because he was bad, but because he died when I was only 17 years old, for leaving me alone, I came to think why he didn't take us all with him, we were happy, we had everything, my brothers, my mother and me.

Everything changed when he left, although he had secured our future, we were well off financially, but what did that matter to me, I just wanted him to be with us.

I changed my character a lot, I left my studies for a while, while my mom adapted to being alone, I consoled her and took care of her, I felt obligated, because she was very important for my dad, he took care of her and protected her a lot, that's why she was so weak, when he was gone.

I couldn't talk about what happened, because I couldn't control my crying, so I didn't say anything and I cried alone, so no one would pity me, besides I was in front of my family and I had to be strong.

FEELING TRAPPED

I took on responsibilities from one day to the next and not because I was the oldest, I am the second of four siblings, my life changed, I remember I was almost always in a bad mood, everything bothered me. Especially my mother's weakness.

I remember that I learned to drive in 15 days, I had to take care of family matters and control my siblings who were very immature. I felt I had no floor under my feet and my anger kept growing.

I blamed my dad for leaving me alone with everything, God for taking him away and my mom for being so weak and not helping me.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I would get in the car and run to the other town with everything I had and scream, because no one could hear me. It was like an outlet, I never said it, but I wanted to go with him.

Then I thought about who would take care of my mother and my siblings, dad would worry about them, he trusted me for that job, since I was very young he let me know, he said I was reliable, that I was very mature for my age.

CONSUELO

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I felt alone fighting against the world and I discovered that with study and work I let myself think, I focused on doing it non-stop, that was good for me, because that way I controlled everything that went through my head a thousand times, everything I talked to him, before his departure, it killed me to think that we had not done enough to save him.

For a long time I blamed myself for his death,
For not being there, for being so far away at college and not realizing he was sick.

NOSTALGIA

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I no longer feel anger, now after many years I feel nostalgia that he is no longer with us and reflect that he would have been proud of his children and grandchildren.
I would have liked to share more with him, that he would have taken me by the hand when I got married, that I would have met his grandson, who looks so noble and kind-hearted.

I miss you dad and remember you as if you were still with us and I still don't know how to stop crying when I think of you.

Sources: All the images are property of the author

Spanish Version

EL ENOJO

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Por mucho tiempo estuve enojada con mi Padre, no porque fue malo, sino por morir cuando apenas tenía 17 años, por dejarme sola, llegue a pensar porque no nos llevó a todos con él, éramos felices, teníamos todo, mis hermanos, mi mamá y yo.

Todo cambio cuando se fue, aunque había asegurado nuestro futuro, estábamos bien económicamente, pero que me importaba a mí eso, yo solo quería que él estuviera con nosotros.

Cambie bastante mi carácter, deje mis estudios un tiempo, mientras mi mamá se adaptaba a estar sola, la consolaba y cuidaba, me sentía obligada, porque ella era muy importante para mi papá, él la cuidaba y protegía mucho, por eso ella era tan débil, cuando él ya no estaba.

No podía hablar de lo que paso, porque no controlaba mi llanto, así que no decía nada y lloraba sola, para que nadie me compadeciera, además estaba al frente de mi familia y debía ser fuerte.

SENTIRME ATRAPADA

Tome responsabilidades de un día para otro y no por ser la mayor, soy la segunda de cuatro hermanos, mi vida cambio, recuerdo que casi siempre estaba de mal humor, todo me molestaba. Especialmente la debilidad de mi mamá.

Recuerdo que aprendí a manejar en 15 días, tenía que ocuparme de los asuntos de la familia y controlar a mis hermanos que eran muy inmaduros. Sentía que no tenía piso debajo de mis pies y mi rabia seguía creciendo.

Le echaba la culpa a mi papá por haberme dejado sola con todo, a Dios por habérselo llevado y a mi mamá por ser tan débil y no ayudarme.

Cuando ya no podía con tanto, salía en el carro y corría al otro pueblo con todo lo que daba y gritaba, porque nadie podía oírme. Era como un desahogo, nunca lo dije, pero quería irme con él.

Después pensaba quien cuidaría de mi mamá y de mis hermanos, papa se preocuparía por ellos, él confiaba en mí para ese trabajo, desde muy pequeña me lo hizo saber, decía que yo era confiable, que era muy madura para mi edad.

CONSUELO

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Me sentía sola luchando contra el mundo y descubrí que con el estudio y el trabajo dejaba pensar, me centre en hacerlo sin parar, eso era bueno para mí, porque así controle todo lo que pasaba por mi cabeza una y mil veces, todo lo que hable con él, antes de su partida, me mataba pensar que no habíamos hecho suficiente para salvarlo.

Por mucho tiempo me culpé por su muerte,
Por no estar, por estar tan lejos en la universidad y no darme cuenta de que estaba enfermo.

NOSTALGIA

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Ya no siento rabia, ahora después de muchos años siento nostalgia de que ya no está con nosotros y reflexiono que estaría orgulloso de sus hijos y nietos.
Me hubiese gustado compartir más con él, que me hubiera llevado de su mano cuando me case, que hubiese conocido a su nieto, que se le parece tanto,noble y de buen corazón.

Te extraño papá y te recuerdo como si aun estuvieras con nosotros y aun nose como dejar de llorar cuando te recuerdo.

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Fuentes: Todas las imágenes son propiedad del autor.