The feeling of being hopeless
Rarely does one get to see me fall completely emotional. I suffered so much with my family. And it's when you least expect it that something hits you. It's always like that in life. When everything is going well, it's like fate wants to play one last shadow game on you.
Yes, to shatter any hope, any light that's left in you. To make your life as difficult as possible. And that's what happened to me just now. What little light I had began to fade. I didn't share my pain when I should have and now it's coming at me in full force.
The last year my son has suffered, so much. I feel like he is being punished because of my mistakes. The mistake of loving the wrong person, the mistake of working all the time, the mistake of hurting people with my words. It all comes back, but not to me, to him.
The sins of the parents. Or it's all just in my subconscious from the panic. The first waves of the disease left its mark on our family, divorce, several deaths, and severe asthma for the child. I looked at it positively, I have been around him more, and cherish every moment. Every important moment of his early life, I was there.
But the only thing I had to do was make sure he stayed healthy. One cold or a fever could be hard on him and we could spend months in the hospital again or worst. However, fate does not like happiness. A new wave hit us. Sleepless nights became hopeless.
The smile on his face disappeared. I feel helpless. I watch him struggle, but I can do nothing. We go to the hospital and they send us back home. A terrible circle of life. With every passing minute, what little hope I have disappears. Alone, with my pain, and with him. All alone in this terrible world. When you face the fear of loss and hopelessness you realize how weak you are.
This'll be my last post for a while.
my perfect family team.
Even in the darkest night,
you give me a ray of light
it is for every disease a cure .
I am proud to call you my son
even after all you've done.
even when you're big and tall.
And only my memories remain,
when i'm on the river styx train.
suffer from the past, to long for the future, but to forget the present.
Any unsourced images and writing are my own. Life is worth it!
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I am sorry you are going through a difficult time. I hope you can find the strength to keep fighting for your son.