I'm lost for words
Today I’ve found out that my grandmother has died. The one who has been like a mother and father to me and my sister. To say that I am lost for words is an understatement as something else hurts me the most. She died on 1st of August but only today I find out . Why God? Why?
She has put my sister to promise that she will not tell me of her passing for at least several days after she dies. My sister respected her last wish.
The news of her death comes like a shock to me. The fact that my sister had to deal with everything on her own makes me feel powerless.
I have often read stories of the moments when people were able to feel that their death was nearby. My grandmother has called my sister 2 weeks before, telling her that she wants to see her. What she told her is too personal to write here, yet the morning of 1st of august has found my grandmother dying at home, peacefully, in her sleep, at 7 in the morning.
When my sister told me these news todays my first feeling was an intense flood of warmth in my body followed by shacking. And then a shock. I started crying and told my sister to stay at the phone and let me cry in her company. We live 500 km apart.
There is an odd feeling that I have now. The idea is that knowing what I know now I would have wished to be able to tell my grandmother that, despite all of her shortcomings, I love her and I thank her for raising me. I feel now a very intense feeling of appreciation for life. I have my phone. I have my grandmother’s number. I could call now ...but there is no longer anyone there to answer…
As I am trying to just accept the loss and mourn this in my own way I realize that there is one thing we do not do enough of: telling people that we love them. The shock of losing someone followed by the fact that you have in your phonebook their number but no possibility to express your feelings anymore is something I can’t explain.
Writing all of these on Hive while tears come down my cheeks helps. It is somehow cathartic. I feel I lost a mother and a father in the same time. I did not feel I had a mom and a dad while growing up, I just had her, my grandmother. She was all I knew. The feeling of her passing weights heavily in my soul.
I look at the phonebook. I see her number. But there is no longer anyone there ...
I'm so sorry to hear of your lost @creativemary. Your grandmother must have had her reasons to delay the news to you, whatever it was, her wishes had to be respected even though it makes it even more painful for you.
Your grandmother is no longer here, but I'm sure she will always be in your heart. Takecare
I appreciate your support it helps me, thank you🤗
Condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. Though I'm sure she had her reasons for wanting it so. She lives in you, though. (I get hung up on the phone thing too, but it helps to remember she's still here in other ways)
This song always helps me:)
Thank you from my heart for this song. There is a saying I came upon years ago stating that whenever you miss someone from your family, be it mom, dad or grandparents, it is enough to take a look at your hands and if you miss them just being aware that they are in you. Today I looked at my hands and maybe this sounds crazy but I gave a little kiss to my palms imagining that I am kissing my grandmother on the cheek as a goodbye. I will make the 500 km trip back home and "hug" her in my mind at the cemetery....
It doesn't sound crazy at all, Mary <3
Ah....if I tell you that yesterday I just went to a bookshop to try to just forget. And my eyes got stuck on a cover of a book written by Cristian Mungiu called Tania Ionașcu, Bunica mea. I felt an urge to buy, I do not know why.Last night I started to read this. This morning I finished it sobbing.
It is just incredible that at certain point in life somebody else's story can help in the healing.
The story of Cristian's buni just made me feel a bit of hope in my process.
There was a quote at the end of the book which really really touched my aching soul:
Reminded me so much of my own buni <3 I guess there's something, a sturdiness and resilience perhaps shared by all these women who lived through Communism and raised a family in it. <3 Thank you for that.
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Thank you!!
!LUV
@creativemary, @wesphilbin(3/10) sent you LUV. | tools | discord | community | HiveWiki | <>< daily
Hello! It is just so warming to see that I receive so much emotional support from the Hive community! It helps, it really helps!
A community for grief...I will join!
I am grateful for your support, I thank you!
I just wanted you to know, that you are not alone. It hurts when someone we know or love, passes. But knowing there are people who have been there... and truly care about you... That's priceless...
via Inbox
I appreciate your comment, I have truly felt that the Hive people have been here for me in this moment. And knowing this is really helpful at a soul level because it does make me feel like I am not in this isolated.Thank you!
My condolences to you and your family. I do hope you are able to take those memories of your grandmother that bring a smile to your face and keep them close.
I try. I am all over the place right now , it's just a lot to deal with.
Sorry for your loss. :(
Thank you for the support you are showing me in this time of my life!
I'm sorry for your loss. Condolences to your family.
Thank you for your caring thought towards me!
It's crazy I tell you. Seeing their phone number and not being able to call. Very shocking 🥺. I am sorry for your loss and I feel your pain. It is not a fun feeling losing the people dearest to us. I hope the memories you've spent with her all these years brings you nothing else but joy.
Yes, it is just so....painful. Because I think of the unsaid. I think of the unexpressed. And I can't do anything at this point than just grief.
Yes, just grief, tears and just ... hmm, death always remind us of these.
So sad to read this, and all that I can say is, all strength to you and the family.
Thank you , just thank you!
❤️❤️❤️
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Sorry for your loss. You gained an angel, she will always be watching over you. She went peacefully in her sleep is a good way to say good bye. I hope you have some support from friends during your time of grief. hugz from Canada. xox
Thank you very much for the support you are sending from so far away, it really helps to see that I have a support in the Hive community!
Deepest condolences @creativemary. She is with you no matter what. Hugs
Thank you girl! Ah you wrote this she is with you no matter what and odd coincidence this morning I finished reading a book I felt drawn to buy , written by a romanian film director. It is the life story of his grandmother.
And at the end of this book he wrote the words his grandmother has told him the last time they saw each other
Don't be afraid, I will always be with you
And now I read your comment. And I just cry .
Sorry to hear this @creativemary. You and your family are in my thoughts.
I appreciate your support in this moment of my life, thank you!
My sincerest condolences to your grandmother!
Thank you!
How bitter the news is sometimes, I'm so sorry for everything that happened, I hope you're okay, while I was reading this I had to stop myself from crying too... It brings back memories.
I have very beautiful memories of my grandmother, she raised me for many years too, when we didn't have a home. And she always took care of me and my sister when they were little. My parents couldn't give me money every day for school lunch, and I remember that my grandmother would secretly take money from her small pension to give me something so I could buy a snack at school 😄.
(And she would spend hours without eating, or without buying a single piece of clothing)
My grandmother taught me to play my first song on the piano, and she was happy with me giving her her favorite perfume, a simple cologne from the pharmacy 🤓🎹. She taught me generosity and strength, among many other things. I feel like I'm a little deluded sometimes (or crazy), but when I miss her (or my mom too) I feel her energies, in all the beautiful things they left us, her remix song to put the kids to sleep, or making some fries at 4pm, it has the taste of grandma's house. "Those loves are more than loves." They are always with us.
I send you hugs. Take care, take your time.
As I am reading your comment I cry because remembering the small good things she used to do is just overwhelming. She also used to buy me good food in the pension day, it was the only day when she allowed herself to splurge for my own comfort.
There were a lot of things left unsaid between us and this somehow makes me painfully ruminate. I don't know...this is my first experience of grieving for a lost loved one. I just do not know how to solve this inner conflict and I try to take it day by day.
Thank you for this supportive comment!
I also cried when I wrote that message, the memories still move me. At the time, it did me good to leave for a moment some tasks I was doing (university) and spend time with my closest family (my little sister). And rest. Walk or take a short trip. And read some pages, share what happens to you. All the wisdom is already inside you and in the hearts of the people around you. Perhaps this is a moment of awareness to be closer together, to hug each other more than ever, to take care of each other, to return to unity.
Send you love ❤️
I took a long walk in the forest and it made me forget for a little while. Nature helps so much and just writing in my journal as well. Sending you appreciation and blessings for your support:)
She sounded like she knew that this reality would hurt you and wanted to buffer you from the immediate shock of this event. That is love in action trying to help prolong your pain and grief. Grieving is a very difficult process and I am sorry you are having to endure this chapter in your life.
Losing my father gave me a similar and intimate experience with death and loss. One thing that helped speed up the process of grieving for me was to not focus on my loss but on their gain. Try to celebrate her life and try to focus on what sufferings she will no longer have to endure while holding tightly onto all of the good memories and the lasting positive impact that she had on this life in so many different ways. We all have our shortcomings but the things that will carry on is that legacy she left behind. You are an example of that based on what you said she did to raise you up and be there for you in the critical ways.
Hang in there and since everyone grieves in their own ways and in their own time... just get the best closure you can out of the process. She didn't give you a chance for the closure most people would begin to start to have ... but I feel (and could be totally wrong) that she excluded you on purpose to insulate and protect you from the pain she knew was coming for you. That in and of itself is a very admirable thing to think of to do in your last wishes.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Thank you so much for these words. I am torn and I do not know what to believe. I choose to think that she wanted to protect me from the pain? I have a lot of mixed feelings now and I try to cope with the guilt, sadness, confusion...I can only accept , I can't do anything else at this point.
Acceptance is the first TRUE step to beginning the grieving process. Many people don't come to terms and begin to accept the reality until long after the traumatic event. The sooner one can come to terms with the unchangeable reality the sooner they can begin to heal. All of this was outside of your control and that leaves a feeling of helplessness and regret. However, once you realize that you could have done nothing to influence or change the outcome you can forgive yourself and accept the things outside of your control. Then the grieving process truly begins. Just know, it comes in waves and that you will have good days and bad days and don't be surprised if it hits you and comes out of nowhere. Allow yourself to be human and feel what you need to cope, manage, and overcome this difficult situation. Grieving is on your time... so don't feel you have to rush the process or even fully understand it. I hope this helps you as much as possible. Hang in there!
Thank you so much for these thoughts towards me in these moments! Acceptance is something that I struggle with in the sense of trying to make sense of what happened, that I did not manage to say goodbye and have a real conversation with her. In the same time I feel somehow that I can't do anything at this point. My mother told me that I should accept that some decisions of older people do not have to make sense and maybe my grandmother did not want me to see her in her last days . It is difficult to accept that I can't understand some things. Life does go on and it has to, regardless of my pain. I have moments when I feel guilt and moments when I feel an intense sadness and I just sob. I have short moments when I almost try to forget and then I feel guilty because I should mourn. It is a very difficult process for me as it is the first time when I lose a loved one like this.