pissing contest

"You should go to the bathroom more often," I say to the dude in the Avalanche sweater who ambles out of the john shortly after the team ties the game.

"Did they score? I heard the commotion and almost ran out here with my dick hanging out to see what happened."

"Oh, you have a dick? That's cool. I have a vagina."

I don't actually say that. I just laugh the laugh nobody has yet figured out is fake and pantomime him running out of the bathroom with his dick hanging out while I privately wonder why he needed to include his dick in his first impression on me.

Don't really wonder, though. Already know. I think he's embarrassed two seconds later. He can blame the booze if he wants. He points out my weird toe shoes and calls me weird and I agree. Super short conversation that is all kinds of failing on his end. Poor guy. I keep my eyes on the game. He goes back to his seat, back to his friends, where he redeems himself with a second-telling of his almost-hanging-out dick story to other dudes. Dudes that he knows. Dudes that also have dicks.

Bars and guys at bars and being at bars again after years of not. It's interesting. Not like it used to be. I used to like getting drunk, once upon a time, but last Wednesday for Game Four I decided to try drinking two vodka sodas and all I got was a hot face and super dizzy. I left. Watched overtime at home with a gallon of water.

I'm not fun anymore.

At least, not that kind of fun. But I still tip the bartender for my soda water with lime.

A period later and dude gets up to use the head again. While he's pissing, Lightning takes the lead. Dude comes back out without dick reference. I tell him next time to try using the women's restroom, maybe that will do the trick.

_{All pictures and words copyright Anna Horvitz (me) and cannot be used without my consent and I've noticed that when dudes use the word "dick" in a blog all the big whales come running so hey whales, how do you feel when a chick does it?}