On Patience

I've been meditating quite a bit on patience lately and during the weekly show Saturday, my good buddy Cope asked me if I felt like I was ready to consider dating anyone again. I answered as honestly as I could, which is that I am feeling ready to open that door again and explore possibilities, but things would have to be very different. I suppose it relates to patience, but it's more about just being open to the possibility instead of completely closed off to it as before.

I notice that I am intentionally and consciously detaching from outcomes more than normal. This is a bit unusual for me as I haven't had any real desires or wants in a while. It seems pretty obvious that in a self-imposed state of seclusion, it's much easier to remain detached from outcomes, but I'm still managing while actively adjusting to such a drastic change in where I feel my life could be headed.

Over the last several years I've worked very hard on developing patience with others and the external world. Detaching from expectations and surrendering to the universe made that pretty easy. My view of life is very different from what it was before when I was in a constant state of scrambling to control everything. That never did me any good anyway, no amount of thinking or anxiety has ever really changed the outcome of anything has it?

I find now that I detach similarly from my own wants and desires, especially as they relate to others. It's a pretty odd feeling being in a place where I actually feel like I know what I want now. I've spent so much time erasing any expectations in that regard and just accepting things as they come. On some level, this whole revelation of opening myself back up to other possibilities has really caught me off guard and I don't really know where to go from here other than to be open to the fact the universe is telling me something or giving me a lesson.

This feels right, but knowing what I want now is only part of it. Previously when I pursued anyone my desire to control ruled my life and I constantly found myself in a state of needing to make things happen. That is a very noticeable absence for me now and I suppose I'm still getting used to that myself as any intimate interactions that have happened over the last few years just kind of happened. I have been examining what's different now.

I suppose the obvious is knowing what I want, which is a compatible life partner, but unlike previously I no longer have that desire to make anyone into anything. There's no compulsion to present myself as anything other than what I am to convince anyone of anything. If it makes sense it will make sense. I'm also being very mindful of the fact that this could be another lesson and may turn into nothing. Not even sure which direction to head, but that's where patience helps. I don't have to understand why I'm feeling this or why I'm having the dreams I'm having, it'll be clear when it needs to be clear.

Previously I was very convinced of the whole "twin flame" thing. Over time it became clear that was more about me connecting with my higher self and discovering my own spirituality than it was about waiting for the other to recognize a connection they clearly didn't feel, which at the time hurt, but now I'm very unattached to the idea of it having to be anyone. I suppose that's different now too. I rarely feel any sort of romantic connection with anyone else, which makes the whole thing even weirder, but it is what it is.

Hell I didn't even imagine I'd be exploring any of this again, why assume anyone else wants to go through any of this. There's no guarantees in life other than the fact we're all gonna die at some point and there's going to be lessons along the way whether we want them or not. My last serious relationship was full of absolutely brutal lessons that were not pleasant. I'm fully aware this is not the easy path and I get that it's not for everyone. Why I feel like it's for me, I can't say, I just feel what I feel.

The worst thing I could imagine doing at this point is trying to sell anyone on anything they don't also have the desire to work through or see for themselves. I've done that before and learned some very valuable lessons. When we're trying to convince others of things, what we're really doing is trying to convince ourselves something is what we want when it clearly isn't. No convincing the square peg to fit into the round hole so to speak. It is or it isn't.

I trust my intuition and I speak from the heart. I can now communicate how I feel effectively without having an attachment to the outcome, which I feel shows pretty clear progress. This is something I've always struggled with, but meditation and reflection to ensure I communicate honestly without building up destinations in my mind just makes it all feel very different. That's the strangest part of all of this, I'm not convinced anything will or should happen, just not diametrically opposed to it anymore.

The general outlook on life I have now is that there's really no wrong choice. There's always lessons regardless of the outcome. I don't expect anything to be easy or perfect. In short, I just accept what is as I can. One of the philosophies I picked up somewhere along the way is that "if it's not my cab it's not my cab," which takes most of the pressure off. I also try to be mindful of the fact that I can't wait for a cab that never comes and that I'm not gonna spend my life looking for something that isn't there, so I remain secure in the knowledge that I know how to walk home on my own either way.

I guess we'll see where this all goes. If things are meant to happen they will and there's no "wrong way" to do things that are going to fuck up what's meant to be. So until that becomes clear, I'll be patient with myself. Intuition always leads me somewhere and eventually I'll get to wherever it is I'm going. Just go with it. Obviously I'm feeling all of this for some reason. Preparation or lesson? I can't say, but as always it will become clear in time. Much love. Peace.