How to kill a dog that won't shut up
Great. All I've done so far is write a title for this thing and already I can tell just by the way you're all looking at me that I've made a grave mistake. It's obvious what I did wrong here—instead of spending some time brainstorming ideas and then creating a good structured outline with a clear logical path from introduction to conclusion, I simply dove right in to what is essentially a literary kiddie pool with equal parts piss and chlorine, with nothing more than a clickbait headline and a couple notebook pages full of vexatious and borderline criminal scribbles I don't really remember putting to paper. This is not a recommended method for producing high-quality digital content. I admit it; I messed up and I should be ashamed of myself. I'm better than this. I can change. I will change. Tomorrow is a new day; look to future opportunities and don't dwell on past mistakes, as they say. Alright now moving on to killing that dog.
One of the best cases against the existence of a benevolent God is quite simply the existence of a dog that won't shut up. The man sitting across the coffee shop from me right now, close enough to hear clearly but probably a bit too far away to hit with my mug once it's empty, apparently hasn't been apprised of the Dog Argument because he is speaking very confidently to his phone about how the random sample of translated ancient Eastern Mediterranean texts he is caressing represents the one and only truth in all of human history about the nature of the afterlife. "God is love" he is saying, seemingly oblivious to the fact that just outside these walls there is a single, solitary, and persistently barking dog that can be heard at any time of day on any day of the year for a solid six miles in every direction as the crow flies from the intersection of Main & Railroad in downtown Buena Vista, Colorado. There is no way a benevolent God would allow such a tragedy to self-actuate; ergo, if God exists then he is anything but love, and I'm not interested in joining him after I die to live forever in whatever hell passes for heaven in that dude's fucked up head.
Attentive readers will have realized by now that this of course raises a pressing question: If your one and only goal in life was to kill that goddamn Buena Vista dog that won't shut up, would you attempt to do so by hiring a developer to create a worthless sidechain token so you can airdrop it to thousands of people who have already concluded that you're a raving lunatic in order to convince one or maybe two of them tops that you're not a raving lunatic, and also would you pretty please go kill a dog for me? No, of course you wouldn't. That would be insane. The odds of that solution leading to a situation where the dog finally shuts up for good is about as likely as getting the complete works of Shakespeare out of that mob of theoretical monkeys before you go off and kick the bucket. Sure, technically it could happen, but you're far more likely to win the lottery, and if you win the lottery well then you can just go ahead and move to the moon already and avoid the problem of that fucking dog that won't shut up altogether.
So anyway in closing, here's the how-to that all of you deviants originally clicked in for: Incite a nuclear war. Yeah that's how. Boom, problem solved, that fucking Colorado dog that wouldn't shut up is done shut up for good now thanks to me and my unpopular opinions. Along with everything else in the state and probably most everything else in the rest of the country too. Good riddance to all of it is what I say. I suppose I'll see you all soon enough at the Great White Throne on Judgment Day but until then please enjoy the following photos from my recent trip to whichever heaven or hell it was that I went on a trip to, and maybe also go read and think about something like this before you attend your next anti-war protest. Great. I can already tell just by the way you're looking at me.
Wow! You're literally back with a vengeance.
It would seem that way. I'm not even sure why. Almost 10am so might as well get started with the !BEER
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BEER.Au contraire! This is my exact modus operandi when writing! :OD
The thing about those dogs. Is that even after you kill them, you hear another then another. It took me a long time and a lot of dogs to realise that there is a universal constant of dog barking. Its like a rainbow, you can see it but you can never find its end.
When the radiation settles from the holocaust you will look around and think, hey, is that barking?
I fear that you are correct about the barking dogs. But a man's gotta try. Honestly it's a curse we placed on ourselves way back when we decided to domesticate wolves. Did you know that it's very rare for wolves and other types of wild dogs to bark? That incessant barking that drives so many good people insane is actually a byproduct of domestication.
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You need to stake more BEER (24 staked BEER allows you to call BEER one time per day)
I have 49 beer staked. Shouldn't I be able to call the bot twice a day?
No one could have imagined that the need to have a furry cuddle beast works result in the curse of the bark. Far better the howl that sunders the night!
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I'd rather have howling any day.
How well do you know the beer bot? I thought that if staking 24 beer lets you call the bot once a day, then surely staking 48 beer would let you call it twice. But the beer bot keeps rejecting me.
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BEER.Heaven looks cold.
You shouldn't kill dogs.
And Jesus just told me to talk to the hand. Wtf. Now what??
I would never kill a dog just for barking all the time. I just like to fantasize about it.
Well… WWJD?
!BEER, hopefully.
Hey thanks! I'll share it with Brian Boitano.
Just wanted to let you know I got the joke but it took me a few minutes of research.
I'm flattered that you took the time to research the joke. I have to do that all the time with everyone else and half the time I still don't get it and what was meant to be in good humor ends up making me feel old and dumb.
You could flip that on its head by inventing jokes based on references that don't exist and then act like everyone else is old and dumb when nobody gets your non-joke.
Fuuuuuck that's brilliant. More clever than Allen Woodbin and his one-legged donkey show.
See, it worked. I have no idea what you're talking about.
Me neither. Maybe we should ask the donkey.
Donkeys are notorious liars, though. I'm not sure if we'd make any progress that way.
True. And interrogation methods don't work, either. Those fuckers are stubborn as hell.
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BEER.I suppose deciding whether or not those lovely forest pictures were taken in a heaven or a hell depends on whether or not your coat was thick, or your layers sufficient.
I wonder if that dog was barking thoughts similar to your own. Maybe he finally just couldn't take anymore of all that human babble we do with our mouths, and that rumble of our machines, and he was shouting at you all to shut up. Maybe in the end you both get your wish.
You are probably right about the dog. I'd go insane too if people left me in a house or a fenced yard all day. Personally I wish humans had never domesticated dogs but I realize that's an unpopular opinion, so instead of coming right out and saying that I just suggested global extermination. Much safer I think. !PIZZA
Yes, you may have avoided people threatening to sic their dogs on you, who knows;) I have always thought of it as a gene. Sounds like you don't have that one. I do. There is a hole in my life if I do not have a canine companion. It is one of those innate feelings you get, akin to the feeling of exciting possibilities when I look at a field or stretch of woods. Or like how some kids are instantly drawn to a particular type of music, the opposite of what is the norm at home. Epigenetics? Related to a past life? Idk. Anyway, I call this the dog loving gene. And I honor myself with the idea that Big Dog would rather be my close friend than wondering the woods. But who knows.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate all dogs just the barky ones. But I clearly also don't have that gene you're talking about. Give my apologies to Big Dog, I'm sure he's one of the good ones :)
Big Dog let out a short curt snort in response. He doesn't really like males of any species though, so I wouldn't take it personally :)
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