Light 'Em Up! (My Very First Attempt at Stand-up)

How's everybody doing tonight? Very excited to be performing for the very first time, here on Hive. I hope to perform actual stand-up comedy in the near future, but in the meantime here's a taste of what I have to offer...

So my husband and I were watching one of those true crime videos the other day. Crazy video of a woman walking into a gas station with a jerry full of gasoline, threw it on the cashier, and lit her on fire. And what was even worse -- someone else had paid for this lady's gas! Out of the goodness of their heart -- could you imagine?! He found out later and was like, "My money went to that?! .... Holy shit!"

Rightfully so!

I didn't actually end up watching the rest of the video, so let's just pray that homegirl made it!... But could you imagine? Just unintentionally killing someone? Try to help a bitch out just for her to go light somebody up like the 4th of July -- Christ almighty...

...But it got me thinking and I asked my husband, "How would you react?"

Like, say a cancer patient walked in. Like, very obviously has cancer... Some Deadpool looking mother-fucker. If the baby from Benjamin Button were a person...

(Source: https://www.giantfreakinrobot.com/ent/deadpool-3-ryan-reynolds-writers.html)

And he comes in and he goes, "Pack of smokes." And you gotta stand there for a minute like:

(Source: https://tenor.com/view/awkward-stare-what-eyeroll-gif-13829705)

"Uhh...... Did you know that you.. you have... Oh, you know! Well, that's good!" ......Having a frantic monologue inside your head like, "What the fuck? What the fuck!? Is this even legal? Why couldn't you have waited literally 10 minutes when it becomes Jimmy's shift -- Jimmy's a fucking asshole! ....Let him deal with this!"....

But ya sell the bloke his smokes because it's his money and he's a grown adult and it's a FrEE CoUnTrY! ....And he takes his smokes and goes on his way... Next thing you know you're watching him stand outside on the security camera, light up a smoke and just --

(Source: https://tenor.com/view/peter-peter-griffin-family-guy-family-guy-peter-bird-is-the-word-gif-26905079)

And you're like --

(Source: https://wifflegif.com/gifs/322253-scared-afraid-gif)

"Oh my gawd! Who could have seen this coming?!"

right lol.

So you finally get over the shock, you call the cops, they come down, they're doing their investigation. The cop comes up to you and says, "That guy walked into your store looking like Sid from Toy Store -- how could you willingly sell that man a pack of cigarettes?"

And I'll tell you how this story ends, I'll tell you what you -- what anyone -- would do in this situation. You would turn to that cop, look him straight in the eyes, and you would say,

"Officer... His body, his choice..."

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That's my time! Thank you all so much for coming out tonight! Good night! ❤️