Getting Clean
Maybe this has been going on for too long...
I am standing in the bathroom, observing my body in the mirror, beholding the changes in front of me. I can see parts of myself that I have never seen before -- parts that shouldn't be seen. Ribs, hip bones, shoulder blades, the trachea of my neck...
What disturbs me the most are my hands. I have never had beautiful hands; they have been abused and deformed by my years of nail-biting. But now they have become two grotesque things that I cannot stand to look at. The skin has become thin and stretched, highlighting every vein, bone, and tendon beneath. My skin lacks any color of its own, but has instead borrowed the blue undertone of my veins, giving my complexion this sickly grey color.
I am scared; I am becoming unrecognizable to myself. Yet I still hold the lighter in one hand, and the pipe in the other...
(Image created using an AI art generator on Night Cafe)
I am standing in the bathroom, recalling the conversation that has just taken place. Things aren't getting better -- I am getting worse.
"I don't want to do this anymore," I told him. "I don't like what we are becoming. I feel like death all the time."
His eyes stared back at me vacantly, and I couldn't be sure but I swear I heard him scoff. "So we'll quit tomorrow. But tonight we already agreed that we're buying, so --" He greedily helped himself to my purse, digging through my wallet for my money that I had made after a night of delivering pizzas. "I'm not gonna keep him waiting anymore. Bye!"
My eyes are sunken. I am killing myself. Nobody cares for me. I hold the lighter in one hand, the pipe in my other...
I am standing in the bathroom, desperately trying to wipe my eyes of the tears that won't stop coming. This women's shelter is unfamiliar, as is my future now, and I'm feeling pretty terrified.
I was just tired of hearing the lies, and if no one else was going to save me, I had to save myself. Except he didn't like that idea -- the idea of me finally leaving him, alone -- and things escalated. Hearing the questions, "Who did it? What happened?, only to receive, "Ah, this whole thing is a mess. We'll take her to the shelter down the street."
I do not have the lighter in one hand, nor the pipe in the other. I am entirely on my own.
I am standing in the bathroom, only I am not alone. I am in front of the mirror, watching as my toddler and I brush our teeth together. She has gotten into this awful habit of eating the toothpaste as opposed to brushing with it, and I sternly try to correct her habit for the umpteenth time. I tell her, "You need to take such good care of your teeth! You only have one set for your whole life!" because I know how fortunate I am to still have all of my mine.
She looks up and flashes a devilish smile at me, her own way of saying, "Okay mom; whatever you say!"
It has been 3 years since I first got clean. I have never looked back since.
(Hello everyone! 🙇♀️ It has been awhile since I last posted in this group, but I am happy to be participating again! I thank you all for reading this far. Yes, it is all true, and yes, I am in a much better place today! I hope that anyone else who is dealing with a similar situation, or has experienced similar, finds the courage to make things better)
I congratulate you because you had the willpower to quit smoking. Have a happy evening
Thank you, I appreciate it 🙂🙏 A good day to you as well, enjoy!
A gripping tale, @borderline.babe. It is real. It happened to you. We do ask that graphic details, though real, such as this
be avoided. It is possible to tell your story without that violent detail. It's a hard call, and we have curated your story despite the inclusion of that detail, but we hope you can find a way to edit that out. It's hard to say to writers, "This person can graphically describe domestic abuse and this person cannot." It's hard to explain how authors cross a line, when there are examples of others who have written about the subject. So, our policy is to just not feature graphic domestic abuse in the community.
It's wonderful that you are clean. What a mountain to climb, especially with a child in your care. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. We appreciate your clear and honest descriptions.
Stay well!
I have edited out this passage, I do not want to cause any issues. Can I ask, what specifically is considered "graphic," because I intentionally made it vague. "The sensation of my throat being squeezed" from the anxiety/stress, etc. Was it because the implication was there? I know we should not depict substance abuse yet the theme was "clean," and the implication of getting clean from it was there as well. Again I just want to understand in order to avoid any restrictions...
I truly love this group, I'm grateful for the opportunity to not only write, but to share my experiences. I value this outlet 🙏 Thank you for correcting, as well as supporting 😃
Smoking is dangerous and we all know that but the pleasure that comes with it when we get addicted is out of this world, though it kills.
To find a person who has the replace to quit is rare, that is what makes the story unique.
It is an experience I hope nobody goes through.. They should know they're not alone, but most importantly, that change is possible!
Thank you for your comment and support! 🙏
Getting out of an addiction is never easy and the journey can be torturous but in the end, you will be grateful that you had to go through all that just to be clean. Kudos to you for taking that bold step, and it's great that you're now much better
You are absolutely right; it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but grateful to have gone through it. More importantly, to have it behind me now! 😅
Thank you for your comment and your support! 🙏
The struggle of addiction. It is never easy. It takes a conscious effort and years of fighting temptation of going back to actually stay clean. This a well told story and I must recommend you for quitting and staying clean.
Temptation was the hardest part, but grateful to have faced those demons and come out on the other side..
Thank you for your support, and the positive feedback! 🙏
That's a great move from you, having to quit something forever and had that clean up for yourself. I believe you will be grateful for stopping something you have been addicted to.
You are absolutely right, and I have never looked back since! Thank you for your comment, and your support 🙏
You are welcome.
Getting out of something we've been into for long, takes the grace of God and serious determination to achieve. I am so glad you got clean in the end, your story is a lesson for us all.
It is easy to get addicted to something but it’s hard to quit. And forever not to go back to old habits and the fact that you have clean up your body and am sure you will be grateful to yourself.
You are welcome back, sometimes brushing one's teeth is fun, you just want to go on and on and then it's nice to be clean. You feel alive again.
It's great to know you are all better now, kudos to you on this journey
Wow kudos on getting clean and staying clean especially because of your child