I walked 8km in the snow and still couldn't clear my head.
Endorphins shmendorphins, you know? Who cares! I just wanted to get out of work and get lost in a very familiar world. It's the first snow of the year. The holiday season is in full flow. The streets are getting decorated with bright and colorful lights. Quite often you'll come across a Lada brimming with pine trees. It's amazing.
But not really.
I recently shared how badly I'm coping with the recent news. Things haven't deescalated. The borders are still at risk which means so are our lives. I have been following up with the news and all I see is a situation that will only get worse with time. It's an illusion of a stalemate, but truly the checkmate is very close around the corner.
I think the holiday season is a great way for the people here to get their minds off of this whole situation. Or that is what I want to believe. Truth is, no matter how hard I try I can't see this situation at a glass half full angle.
Apart from all of this, I am battling a few personal issues that I don't feel like sharing right now. It's just the high tide of life right now, and I am standing on the shore as the water keeps sweeping closer. If I don't do something right now, I'll soon float away.
So what did I decide to do? Take a walk.
Honestly, I didn't even decide to take a walk. It happened very spontaneously. I was so deep in the mess of my head that I didn't realize I had begun walking towards home. Fuck it. Forget the car, the bus, the metro, the cab, everything and whatever. Let's walk things out.
I am a huge believer in the magic walking does. Medically and philosophically. I have firsthand experienced how getting blood and juices flowing can help figure shit out. Honestly, it was my main way of commuting back in the day. I was always confident that I could finish a task faster by walking instead of someone taking a car. It always had extra benefits like having the mental workout to clear other obstacles and at the same time come up with new ideas or meet new people. I have found walking therapeutic and relaxing. Nothing beats that.
Somehow I didn't mind the snow. First snows are always a little annoying because they are almost always light and wet. The sludge can get a bit annoying but I was doing well. I connected my headphones and drowned myself in some of the greatest metaphors by Lil Wayne, and Nervecell, and Led Zepplin. Don't judge me by my music. I like what I like.
I have no clue how long did the walk take me. Google says it's an hour and a half long walk but I couldn't be sure. I made my way home and honestly I think it has been very long since I felt this good. I felt alive. I felt incredible. Powerful. Refreshed. But that empty hollow feeling inside my core didn't go away. It is a sort of fear, anxiety maybe, that is very tenacious. Needless to say, I am going to keep hammering at it.
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