Childhood Trauma 1 - Disappointment
Traumas sucks. Bigtime.
Especially when you've nurtured that shit at a very young age. No matter how much you try to change yourself, some bits and pieces still linger into your mental state that destroys your whole being.
And worse? It affects everyone around you.
One of my Childhood Traumas is being too anxious and sorrowful when someone is disappointed in me for stuff I didn't even intentionally do wrong.
For example, when I did something wrong BUT wasn't intentionally done, or like it was only just an accident, they always shout and get so mad at me. I could feel that they're so disappointed on what I did. I'm not the type of person who could fight back and stand on one's truth, (since I wasn't raised to be strong-willed), so there's was nothing I could do but to just listen and accept that it IS MY FAULT.
IT WAS A BIG MISTAKE.
I AM A MISTAKE.
I'M STUPID.
I'M GOOD FOR NOTHING.
I'M USELESS.
And people still get annoyed at me or even wonder why I'm so negative in every situation.
Well folks, I was fed with negative remarks so it kinda is a normal thing to me already.
What's my Defense Mechanism on this?
Silence. Ignored. Solitude.
In our house, whenever my parents get mad at me, or they get mad at each other, they don't talk it out. Instead, we ignore each other. We don't talk, we don't eat together, we don't regard that person as existent in the household.
You're basically just like a wind. You're there, but at the same times, you're not.
This is quite hard to overcome, especially since I have someone I am intimately committed to: my first boyfriend.
This trauma affects our relationship greatly.
There was one time he asked me to do something for him, and I voluntarily did it in exchange for a certain reward. So it was kind of like a win-win solution for the both of us.
I did well completing that task for months but since I'm human, I was prone to mistakes.
There was a day that I forgot to do his task, and it affected him greatly. Particularly at his work. So I was saying so much sorries that they were excessive already. I was also having a little panic attack. I got anxious. I even wanted to compensate financially so that I could solve the problem.
But even if I did that, he was still
Disappointed
Ahh shit.
But he was calm to say that there's nothing we both could do since it happened already. The only thing we can do is to move on.
But I wasn't the type to move on. I knew he was disappointed. I went overthinking all the negative stuff he's thinking about me already.
And so, I did my defense mechanism. I didn't talked to him. I didn't texted him. I didn't sent a single reply. It was the only thing I know I could do to achieve peace.
A superficial peace.
Bottomline, it's hard to overcome childhood traumas. What's worse is that, IT'S NOT MY FAULT WHY I BECAME LIKE THIS. It affected my mental health greatly and it causes so much pain in my life.
Thanks for reading, guys. If you had a similar thing to what I've experienced, if you're cool with it, I would also like to know. Have nice day!
How one was raised greatly affect how they react to or handle situations. While it might be hard to overcome, it is possible to be overcome. So work harder on communication. Silence is not bad, but on occassion when something has gotten broken, silence might be bad.
You could change your trauma and rewrite the script if you work hard.
True. I agree with you. I don't even like doing all the silence stuff. My parents projected that habit onto me, and I kinda like did it to my partner too. But what's different is that, my partner and I communicates the problem because we are "both willing" to fix the problem. Unlike my parents, especially my dad, he'll ignore you till you be the one to kneel down on his feet and beg for his forgiveness. (ironically because he too should say sorry to me too.)
Thanks for the advice. I'll try my best.
https://leofinance.io/threads/fokusnow/re-fokusnow-2cfmz1ngr
The rewards earned on this comment will go directly to the people ( fokusnow ) sharing the post on LeoThreads,LikeTu,dBuzz.
This is true and really why parents should become a parent when they're READY. But that's not most situation here in the country as most just get married because they get pregnant and get forced to "mature" quick. It's a problem that already existed way way back and is everywhere and all we had to do was to break that cycle. Become a parent only when you're financially, mentally, emotionally, and physically ready.
But that already happened and there's nothing we can do to change the past. But you can do something tho: you have control of your present time. Recognizing these problems and where they're from is already a very good start for you. It's never gonna be easy changing and managing them, but you can do it slowly.
Maybe at some point you can start going to therapy? So you can talk to the therapist and they will be able to advise you and be able to help you with changing the way you think. The trauma is already there but all you can do now is manage them. It helped me before (and tbh I should do it again now haha) so I think it will also be good for you in the long run.
I totally agree on this. Maybe its also because our parent's generation got too much pride on everything? Too strict and aren't willing to understand and be humble. Idk. zzz
Thank you for the advice. Its not easy when your trauma gets triggered. I try to brush it off but sometimes the emotions are too overwhelming. I was always thinking of going to therapy. Even on the year 2021 where I wanted to commit suicide. But I just can't find a the money to do it. Maybe I can do it now since I got a good job. It pays low though but, at least the salary is not delayed anymore.
This is difficult for sure and one thing I’m trying hard not to inflict on my son. I’m not the best at this stuff for sure and I’ve seen myself do these very things so I have a hard time but as a parent, what you’re always doing is learning how to adapt best for the kid. Hopefully you can change your behavior a little bit to not do this stuff!